Hmm.
Spencer went to Nebraska this weekend for a bachelor party or something like that. I really should have taken the opportunity to work on my comps, but for some reason I'm having a big mental block. That really means I'm scared shitless. So I spent time cleaning the house - now that Jenna's out of town, I get the opportunity to do it. And she took her cats with her - double bonus!
I thought that after 6 loads of laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the countertops, folding clothes, vacuuming, getting rid of trash, and shoveling the driveway I would feel better about everything. Somehow I don't.
Maybe its because I've been alone all weekend and I'm not used to being alone anymore, but I'm feeling rather lonely and introspective. Like... I miss things. Particularly figure skating. I miss lacing up my skates and getting on the ice, and the cold air in my nostrils, and just the FREEDOM and the movement and how I can let out everything with a turn of my blades.
Everyone has some sort of way of letting out stress - some are better than others. Some have bad habits like smoking cigarettes (Spencer, why I'm trying to get him out more), drinking four nights a week (he who shall not be named), or telling his students they are incompetent (my boss). Other coping mechanisms, like exercise, writing in a journal, talking to a friend, playing with a pet... they seem like better ways to do it. Figure skating was mine, and it feels like now that I've lost it I've lost my way... in a way. I dreamt last night of landing an axel, even though it was a horrible take off. And I remember the feeling of pride that I pulled it out. I want that. I want to be proud of something, and I think that's my problem. Spence has had his own problems lately, and without his support, added to the constant put downs from Scott, my boss, I feel like I'm worthless. I don't feel smart, or wanted, even though I know somewhere in my head I'm not dumb and I'm wanted.
I miss Spencer and I want him to come home.