sweet, sweet. hope.
the day i got the application to work there, i probably sat down and freaked out for hours. litterally hours, agonized whether or not i should even fill it out. what filling it out entails, what that means. what it could mean for me. what it might mean. hope for me is huge, huge, huge concept. when you graduate and you realize how meaningless that all really was, other than a goal fulfilled. when you stop. you finall stop. and you have nothing other than the ruins of what used to be you, at the expense of success. i have hope. thats all i have. after 4 grueling years. i have hope. thats where 4 years got me. hope. it got me staring at applications, its gotten me to question everything i want and wanted and what i might actually need.
so the point. a month ago, filling out a new resume, in hopes of getting a call. i might get that call. I MIGHT GET THAT CALL. a call to go home. to sweet home califronia. to go home and be everything that i was supposed to be, but denyed. a dilema of home, i so long dumbly thought and forgot about. that dilema is back. and unlike before. i want to go home. before i felt i should be here in MD. that this was it. before. before. before. no. i dont want this place. i want to run away from everything here. its true. i do. ill be back for the weddings, of course. and ill be back b/c i love them.
but it has occured to me. that md really did become a home. but its a home, that is moving on without me. and possiably for me moving on, isnt staying here. right now my hope is just to move any direction make some kind of move of life. anything.
let me tell the most agnozing things, graduating and watching my life come to a series of hopefull standstills. at first i saw this as oppertunity to do anything. and i did crazy things. so many crazy things. that im probably a shadow of my former self.
and then slowly coming to realize, that even with those things. my life if anything has moved backwards. and everyone around me is doing things with thier life. thier lives are moving forward. and im just waiting for the spare time in thier lives, b.c my life is nothing but spare time. my life is a waiting game. a call for interview, followed by inevitable oh my god, associated with it. its the let down of not hearing back. its the losing your hope, trying to hang on to anything.
so right now my hope is set into a phone call. a phone call i hope to get on monday. from a woman, who wants to talk to me. about a swwwwwwwwet. job. in califronia. and if she asks me.
ill say yes. ill be there oct. 3.
so the point. a month ago, filling out a new resume, in hopes of getting a call. i might get that call. I MIGHT GET THAT CALL. a call to go home. to sweet home califronia. to go home and be everything that i was supposed to be, but denyed. a dilema of home, i so long dumbly thought and forgot about. that dilema is back. and unlike before. i want to go home. before i felt i should be here in MD. that this was it. before. before. before. no. i dont want this place. i want to run away from everything here. its true. i do. ill be back for the weddings, of course. and ill be back b/c i love them.
but it has occured to me. that md really did become a home. but its a home, that is moving on without me. and possiably for me moving on, isnt staying here. right now my hope is just to move any direction make some kind of move of life. anything.
let me tell the most agnozing things, graduating and watching my life come to a series of hopefull standstills. at first i saw this as oppertunity to do anything. and i did crazy things. so many crazy things. that im probably a shadow of my former self.
and then slowly coming to realize, that even with those things. my life if anything has moved backwards. and everyone around me is doing things with thier life. thier lives are moving forward. and im just waiting for the spare time in thier lives, b.c my life is nothing but spare time. my life is a waiting game. a call for interview, followed by inevitable oh my god, associated with it. its the let down of not hearing back. its the losing your hope, trying to hang on to anything.
so right now my hope is set into a phone call. a phone call i hope to get on monday. from a woman, who wants to talk to me. about a swwwwwwwwet. job. in califronia. and if she asks me.
ill say yes. ill be there oct. 3.