(no subject)
Nope, nausea and self-loathing intact. I felt awful today, and because the kids I work with do not have the social skills the rest of society has ie pleasantly ignoring the fact that I look like shit and am clearly hungover (a two-day hangover! I thought this was the sort of thing that only happened when you were old!). Oh well despite the pallor I got asked out today by this guy that works at the school. He actually seems really lovely (he's helped me look for people before) and is quite attractive but I just freaked out and made up some story about having a boyfriend. I'm really annoyed with myself for it actually, particularly because I'm supposed to be meeting up with the Captain Jack lookalike at some point, and I know absolutely nothing about him. In fact the only thing I do know about him is that Anja's friend (who he was at the club with) says he's a bit of a womaniser. Which leads me to believe the only reason I've agreed to see this guy is that I feel like it's almost expected of me - if I don't, I've just kissed some random boy in a club which, while not unheard of, isn't very me. Other possible reasons include the ridiculous idea that there is still something there with Ian (ridiculous because I know if I was someone else, I'd give the very good advice to just let it go); or that I am generally just scared of the whole dating thing. It's probably all of them. And now I can't even take it back without looking like a complete idiot and admitting actually I don't have a boyfriend I just freaked out. I like to avoid awkward situations as much as possible and that's essentially the basis of a date, it's like a personality-based interview, and I don't like being judged. Does the rest of the world actually enjoy 'dating'? On TV people seem to go on dates all the time - they smile at someone in a coffee shop or fight for the last avocado and suddenly they've agreed to go on a date, which is inevitably carefree and fun, and flows seamlessly into a relationship. And if there is breaking up to be done it is only painful for the dumpee, and then only for the duration of one sad song and maybe a burst of rain. I guess I'm not very romantic. I would rather just not have the fuss of it all and be single. Or alternatively, find a way to go straight into a serious relationship where you're already at that slightly bored, comfortable stage. Hello lifelong spinster-dom.