How To Start Over Again
Wish me luck in the world. Wish the world luck in breathing through me positively, in convincing me it can all be alright. I’m knee deep in second chances, but I still can’t admit to the regret that brought them all flooding here. Maybe I will finally fall into a clear fight--a winner loser referee spectator fight. No one else will come to life, no amount of anything will change the reasons for the fight. I will win I will lose I will be alright because a lack of finality is all I have ever learned to fear the pain of. Somehow it’s all I’ve learned to find. Now I am stationary. I will find without looking. It will find me, it will be set into motion by someone, something else. I will not be the eight year old jeering and pushing that first domino. I am that first domino. I can only see exactly the next one in front of me, and am willing to fall down and crash crash crash--see where it all goes. There is no guarantee that this will end differently; I am no professional, have no qualifications in life remaking, only ideas I stole from penny wishing fountains. Maybe this one will work, maybe the next. This is the only way I know how to start over again.
I'm just ready to see where things go if I leave it all to chance.
See if it makes any sort of difference at all.
Find out if I just try too hard.
ps- I talked with my roomate today, and she said that last night I was running and crying and talking in my sleep and just having awful nightmares. I think that's either why I feel so awful today or because I feel so awful. My head hurts, I have trouble thinking, I feel dizzy, switch between being freezing and hot, and the back of my throat is sore (Im not coughing or anything, it's just sore.)
I slept instead of going to my post-lunch class so that I could be semi-coherent for a math
quiz.
I have volleyball tonight which should be exciting, and I wish that I had a way to get to Des Moines, but I guess that's just how things go. It's exciting that it was suggested, though.
I'm just ready to see where things go if I leave it all to chance.
See if it makes any sort of difference at all.
Find out if I just try too hard.
ps- I talked with my roomate today, and she said that last night I was running and crying and talking in my sleep and just having awful nightmares. I think that's either why I feel so awful today or because I feel so awful. My head hurts, I have trouble thinking, I feel dizzy, switch between being freezing and hot, and the back of my throat is sore (Im not coughing or anything, it's just sore.)
I slept instead of going to my post-lunch class so that I could be semi-coherent for a math
quiz.
I have volleyball tonight which should be exciting, and I wish that I had a way to get to Des Moines, but I guess that's just how things go. It's exciting that it was suggested, though.