my soul is ghostly
i just wrote a whole entry and it got erased.
pretty much said that i am happy with where i am right now, but want to go back to Nicaragua. I feel like i have unfinished business and was learning and growing everyday in ways that i frankly can not do here. That i am partially afraid of failing there and partially afraid of failing here - but i feel like maybe THERE is a test ground and HERE is the conclusion, resolution. nothing will ever really be resolved, of course. But if my life were a book, i'd say i'm still in the conflict, action part and am not yet prepared, do not have, a conclusion. and maybe i just need to prove something to myself before i come back (or don't...) to be a good, productive citizen. maybe i just might not come back...maybe that's what i'm really deciding about.
but to each their own, and i don't fault myself for having strong feelings about this. i mean, i rarely have strong feelings about ANYthing, and that scares me sometimes. So i'm happy that i have some sort of resolve in me. some kind of conviction.
there was other stuff, too. about boys. etc. how i need a book to read and Franny and Zooey by Salinger is boring me. I keep looking into the t.v. (which is turned off) and seeing my reflection. It looks ghostly.
I started to write a book in Nicaragua. It was actually going well, but then one day i started writing this whole section in my head while i was bathing, working, and going through my day, but then i didn't write it down (i.e. type it), and i just stopped writing completely. it's like taking one small piece out of a train track - one little miss stops all production despite the wholeness of the rest of the construction. I did NOT mean to rhyme just now. just came out that way.
"On those kind of days, I was the only one who couldn't recognize myself."
...from my writing... I feel so disconnected sometimes. i'm really bad at keeping up with people.
tomorrow is a fresh start. tonight: new gomez CD. i'm excited. Literally haven't listened to any new music all year (except daddy yankee and calle 13, which don't really count b/c most of the songs are old). then tomorrow, working out, finding a shrink, seeing my baby daveed, salsa dancing and maybe seeing aaron's band practice. oh and cleaning, if my mom gets her way. i'm not excited about it, but maybe i'll find some cool clothes i forgot about and at least get that out of it...
The Last Kiss is a good movies. The meaning and message and ones ability to relate to the characters (or at least the way of relating) are a lot different for a 21, 22 year old still in the party phase than it is to someone a little older in a serious relationship. I feel like i understood it so much better than when i watched it the first time.
ugh. growing up.
Here.
-aryn 243am (orginally finished at 2!2, but we all know what happened to THAT entry...)
pretty much said that i am happy with where i am right now, but want to go back to Nicaragua. I feel like i have unfinished business and was learning and growing everyday in ways that i frankly can not do here. That i am partially afraid of failing there and partially afraid of failing here - but i feel like maybe THERE is a test ground and HERE is the conclusion, resolution. nothing will ever really be resolved, of course. But if my life were a book, i'd say i'm still in the conflict, action part and am not yet prepared, do not have, a conclusion. and maybe i just need to prove something to myself before i come back (or don't...) to be a good, productive citizen. maybe i just might not come back...maybe that's what i'm really deciding about.
but to each their own, and i don't fault myself for having strong feelings about this. i mean, i rarely have strong feelings about ANYthing, and that scares me sometimes. So i'm happy that i have some sort of resolve in me. some kind of conviction.
there was other stuff, too. about boys. etc. how i need a book to read and Franny and Zooey by Salinger is boring me. I keep looking into the t.v. (which is turned off) and seeing my reflection. It looks ghostly.
I started to write a book in Nicaragua. It was actually going well, but then one day i started writing this whole section in my head while i was bathing, working, and going through my day, but then i didn't write it down (i.e. type it), and i just stopped writing completely. it's like taking one small piece out of a train track - one little miss stops all production despite the wholeness of the rest of the construction. I did NOT mean to rhyme just now. just came out that way.
"On those kind of days, I was the only one who couldn't recognize myself."
...from my writing... I feel so disconnected sometimes. i'm really bad at keeping up with people.
tomorrow is a fresh start. tonight: new gomez CD. i'm excited. Literally haven't listened to any new music all year (except daddy yankee and calle 13, which don't really count b/c most of the songs are old). then tomorrow, working out, finding a shrink, seeing my baby daveed, salsa dancing and maybe seeing aaron's band practice. oh and cleaning, if my mom gets her way. i'm not excited about it, but maybe i'll find some cool clothes i forgot about and at least get that out of it...
The Last Kiss is a good movies. The meaning and message and ones ability to relate to the characters (or at least the way of relating) are a lot different for a 21, 22 year old still in the party phase than it is to someone a little older in a serious relationship. I feel like i understood it so much better than when i watched it the first time.
ugh. growing up.
Here.
-aryn 243am (orginally finished at 2!2, but we all know what happened to THAT entry...)