(no subject)
Last night I had a huge fight with mum that was instigated and fueled as always by her alcoholism. I can't be bothered to go into the specifics, honestly it doesn't even matter. The point is it got so bad I had I leave for the night because I didn't feel comfortable or safe at home.
It's been a while since we've had a fight like that but it still hurt just as much as it ever did when it happened every other night.
I still, after all this time - 22 years, and countless awful fights, have not figured out how to reconcile these feelings inside myself. I feel such rage. Such white, burning, blinded rage. And I hate her. I've never felt that kind of hatred towards anyone else. And I wish I would never have to see her again and I wish that my mum was someone else, anyone else.
And then there is the love. I love her, of course I do and we laugh and take care of each other and can't imagine my life without that relationship.
How do I dechiper these polar opposites when they both manifest inside the one brain cavity?
I don't know I don't know. But I do know it hurts. And it's never, once in my entire life, ever gotten any easier, or made any sense.
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