Thinkin' too much...
So, it's only been a bit since my latest babbling, buuut~ I've gotten another accidental boyfriend, whom I shall call V. *blink*
Or rather-- with Nevik, we'd gone on a few dates before I freaked and avoided him (successfully). But he hadn't directly asked me to be his girlfriend, and I still went all me-like and fled.
The problem with my current situation is thaaat I actually like this one. I know, it's weird that that's a problem, buuut to me it is. I'm very committment phobic, as well as relationship-phobic in general. My main way to deal with any relationship I've ever been in was avoidance.
Add this to the fact that I'm emotionally distant and detached and study people from a dissociated viewpoint, and usually have to consciously think to show emotion or affection of any sort, and a relationship would be completely exhausting for me if I didn't avoid it. *scratches head* We~ll. Half of me watches in a dissociated way, the other half can be involved in whatever I'm doing, that's usually my cheerful/sarcastic part that draws people to me. It takes me years to really care about people at all because it takes me years to let them in past my defenses, or to see a reason to... Maybe that's normal though?
Anyway, the root of the thing is that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm moving in with Heerichan in a few weeks, and I'll be a state way from V, but he said he still wants to try. And he's pretty, and smart, and geeky, and would be absolutely perfect for me if I lacked the aforementioned craziness. Still, though, weird situation. Heerichan is still who I plan to spend my life with, so-- but I don't feel comfortable talking a lot about her with pretty much anyone, because she's important to me, and also because since like a third of my thoughts revolve around her, I'm certain constantly babbling about her would drive anyone nuts. So then I end up being too paranoid to mention her, which creates another wall in relationships around me, though one most people don't actually know is there.
I've been working on this off and on since like... 10 last night, so that's enough for now.
Or rather-- with Nevik, we'd gone on a few dates before I freaked and avoided him (successfully). But he hadn't directly asked me to be his girlfriend, and I still went all me-like and fled.
The problem with my current situation is thaaat I actually like this one. I know, it's weird that that's a problem, buuut to me it is. I'm very committment phobic, as well as relationship-phobic in general. My main way to deal with any relationship I've ever been in was avoidance.
Add this to the fact that I'm emotionally distant and detached and study people from a dissociated viewpoint, and usually have to consciously think to show emotion or affection of any sort, and a relationship would be completely exhausting for me if I didn't avoid it. *scratches head* We~ll. Half of me watches in a dissociated way, the other half can be involved in whatever I'm doing, that's usually my cheerful/sarcastic part that draws people to me. It takes me years to really care about people at all because it takes me years to let them in past my defenses, or to see a reason to... Maybe that's normal though?
Anyway, the root of the thing is that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm moving in with Heerichan in a few weeks, and I'll be a state way from V, but he said he still wants to try. And he's pretty, and smart, and geeky, and would be absolutely perfect for me if I lacked the aforementioned craziness. Still, though, weird situation. Heerichan is still who I plan to spend my life with, so-- but I don't feel comfortable talking a lot about her with pretty much anyone, because she's important to me, and also because since like a third of my thoughts revolve around her, I'm certain constantly babbling about her would drive anyone nuts. So then I end up being too paranoid to mention her, which creates another wall in relationships around me, though one most people don't actually know is there.
I've been working on this off and on since like... 10 last night, so that's enough for now.