iPod: Star Song
Star Song, Bowling for Soup, 3:27
Self-esteem is something I, along with many of our generation, have struggled with for years. We are told that we can do anything, be anything, and have it all. When you fail to live up to those expectations, you can't help but wonder what is wrong with you.
In high school, I was the student teachers dreamed of having. I worked hard, got good grades in every class, never did anything to stand out, never broke the rules. I was on the newspaper staff, played in the orchestra and on the tennis team. I was active in Rainbow Girls, a community service organization where I achieved many different accolades. Even with all of this I struggled with how I felt about who I was as a person.
I had friends, but only a select few who were very similar to me. I was never popular, and with my 10 year reunion coming up in August, I doubt whether most people will even notice that I am not there. I never really fit in. I may be able to write out my thoughts, but when it comes to talking to people, I have a serious case of "foot in mouth" disease. I have tendency to say the worst possible thing at the worst possible time. Because of this, I am extremely quiet around everyone but my family. The sad thing about this is that, as an introvert, I think through everything I say constantly, and always have possible conversation tracks running through my head on the off chance the discussion goes in that direction. I probably over-think what I say, but I can not help it. Twenty eight years of programming is hard to overcome.
This "foot in mouth" disease as people call it, limits my social interactions as you may admit. Since my baby Spud was born, 19 months ago tomorrow, my husband and I have had 4 dates away from him. The longest was a Mariner's baseball game, where we were gone for about 5 hours. Other then that, I spend every night at home, strapped to my computer, where I feel comfortable enough to talk to people as I can edit and re-edit my thoughts until I get just the right meaning. Even then, I am sometimes misconstrued, which can lead to sleepless nights and even overwhelming guilt.
I have learned who I am in the years since high school. I am comfortable in my skin, with my place in the world. Even now, the old insecurities come back to me without warning. I begin to wonder if I am good enough. Am I going to be the mother that Forest needs? Am I the employee that I should be? Do I care too much about what people think about me? It is sad to me that as a society we encourage people to conform to the point that they lose themselves in the pursuit of sodality.