this roller coaster ride of pregnancy
I’m so filled with emotions right now. I’m up one moment, down the next. I don’t feel like I can keep up with my thoughts and express them clearly. I feel a bit whiny, and yet I also feel like I have a right to these feelings and that they aren’t unworthy of consideration. As I approach parenthood, I’m more upset about my relationship with each of my parents, and that’s certainly coloring my mood lately. I’m disappointed that I can’t have the relationship that I deserve to have with them, and I wish they would recognize my worthiness, and stop expecting me to bend to their needs. Knowing that I'll never have the relationship with them that I desire, and that this baby cannot have the kind of relationship with them that I had with my grandparents feels like a huge loss. I manage to blame myself for it, rather than placing the responsibility squarely on their shoulders, where it belongs. I tell myself that it would be much easier if I just did what they wanted (instead of staying true to myself and Craig) and gave into their weaknesses. In a recent conversation with my therapist, she pointed out that perhaps it's easier for me to experience guilt than it is to experience the loss of the relationship. That's so very true- anytime I start to feel the grief, I push it away and replace it the guilt that it's really all my fault. I'm not positive what to do with this realization except to just let it soak in. In any case, these kinds of feelings make me feel a bit edgy. Great- I'm already crying over stupid Hallmark commercials.
On top of all that, pregnancy has my body all tied up in knots. My back aches, my belly is stretching and I don't feel like my body is keeping up with the growth of the baby. I can't sleep longer than a couple of hours before I have to switch positions which is a huge ordeal- so I'm pretty tired too. But I love that I’m having a baby; I love that I’m having a boy! This is an amazing time for me. I feel so wrapped up in my own experience that it seems almost impossible that anyone else has ever done this before me. I feel like I am my own science experiment. My belly moves and shakes with the baby and you can see it happening from the outside- which is super cool. I always want Craig to feel my belly when the baby is moving around. I want him to experience the excitement as I experience it. I suppose that’s too much to ask, since he can’t possible feel the way I feel right now- he’s not carrying a child within him. However, he takes very good care of me, and I suppose that’s his way of taking care of the baby. There are just other things that I wish he’d think about… like picking up the camera and recording my belly-growth. I wish he’d purchase something just for his little boy- like a little soccer ball. But hey, I know he’s excited, and he has his own way of expressing that joy. He likes to talk to my belly, to his son, and tell him to take an easy on his mother! That always makes me laugh. He also makes sure that I’m taking my vitamins and that I have enough pillows. The best thing is that he thinks I look adorable with a big belly, and he loves to dote on me in public (and private!). He’s proud of his pregnant wife and that he’s going to have a son. That makes me smile when I think of it. And then there are the beautiful Tahitian pearls and the letter he wrote about our new family.
I’ve been bored at home lately, and I think I’ve been depending on Craig too much to supply my entertainment. That’s not fair to him, since he needs to be able to enjoy his own time as well. However, my body is also aching from all the changes and I need him to help me. I feel guilty asking for this help and would rather that he just read my mind to know what I need. That’s not asking too much, is it? ;)
It’s good to remember all the wonderful things Craig does to take care of me and to show how excited he is about the two of us. It reminds me that I have to take responsibility for what’s making me tense, and that it isn’t his fault. He’s been a sweetheart, and I love him so much. He’s my champion, and he is already a wonderful father.
On top of all that, pregnancy has my body all tied up in knots. My back aches, my belly is stretching and I don't feel like my body is keeping up with the growth of the baby. I can't sleep longer than a couple of hours before I have to switch positions which is a huge ordeal- so I'm pretty tired too. But I love that I’m having a baby; I love that I’m having a boy! This is an amazing time for me. I feel so wrapped up in my own experience that it seems almost impossible that anyone else has ever done this before me. I feel like I am my own science experiment. My belly moves and shakes with the baby and you can see it happening from the outside- which is super cool. I always want Craig to feel my belly when the baby is moving around. I want him to experience the excitement as I experience it. I suppose that’s too much to ask, since he can’t possible feel the way I feel right now- he’s not carrying a child within him. However, he takes very good care of me, and I suppose that’s his way of taking care of the baby. There are just other things that I wish he’d think about… like picking up the camera and recording my belly-growth. I wish he’d purchase something just for his little boy- like a little soccer ball. But hey, I know he’s excited, and he has his own way of expressing that joy. He likes to talk to my belly, to his son, and tell him to take an easy on his mother! That always makes me laugh. He also makes sure that I’m taking my vitamins and that I have enough pillows. The best thing is that he thinks I look adorable with a big belly, and he loves to dote on me in public (and private!). He’s proud of his pregnant wife and that he’s going to have a son. That makes me smile when I think of it. And then there are the beautiful Tahitian pearls and the letter he wrote about our new family.
I’ve been bored at home lately, and I think I’ve been depending on Craig too much to supply my entertainment. That’s not fair to him, since he needs to be able to enjoy his own time as well. However, my body is also aching from all the changes and I need him to help me. I feel guilty asking for this help and would rather that he just read my mind to know what I need. That’s not asking too much, is it? ;)
It’s good to remember all the wonderful things Craig does to take care of me and to show how excited he is about the two of us. It reminds me that I have to take responsibility for what’s making me tense, and that it isn’t his fault. He’s been a sweetheart, and I love him so much. He’s my champion, and he is already a wonderful father.