therapy monday
today we talked about relationships that feel familiar. some of the issues i have within one current friendship remind me of patterns and reactions with my mother. my friend will make comments about herself, but will actually include me in the overall statement of her general state of being. they've just pulled me into their self analysis, and caused me to feel confused about my identity because i'm not all that strong in myself. i'll walk away from my encounter with them feeling icky, and starting the cycle of self criticism. i wonder if they are right, especially if they have been privy to private facts about me (if they didn't know a thing about me, then i could easily say they were wrong). it's actually very self centered of them, because they haven't actually seen me. they only see themselves and project their personal beliefs onto everyone else around them. my mother operates like this, and i can't stand it. she made it very clear while i was growing up that i was a reflection on her. she would tell me all the time how people would stop her on the street when i was a baby and little girl, just to tell her how beautiful i was (she basked in this personal glory). she encouraged me to try modeling and running for office in school (because, you see, she was incredibly popular when she was my age). she told me that when i went out with my friends, that i was to behave a certain way because my actions reflected on her (especially when some of my friends were students at the highschool where she taught). when she announced her divorce from my father to me, i wasn't to let any neighbors know (as we all still lived in the same house, albeit different bedrooms), nor was i to tell my friends or even my boyfriend. it was all about her and her reflection. so now, when i'm dealing with someone who is so self-centered that they think that everyone else is thinking how they do, i become highly irritated (as would anyone, but i believe my reaction is more heightened). just because you do something doesn't mean that i do it too. i hate not being seen for me (especially when i've been so open and vulnerable), and i hate not being allowed to be me. in fact, i've been pulled so much into others, that i don't have a strong sense of self.
so why do i get hooked into someone like this? because they continue to throw the bait because they need the attention (they're very provocative). i haven't learned how to not take the bait. i need to draw my boundries, and only go that far. if bait is thrown that takes me beyond my boundries, then i need to pass it up. this is difficult when the person is quite demanding of attention. the trick is to give them a bit of the attention they seek without going the entire distance.
accomodation: i've had to accomodate others for my entire life. what worked for mom? what worked for dad? what worked for the grandparents? what worked for friends? when i was small, i thought that the only way around this was through an outburst of anger- then i wouldn't have to go along with the flow. growing older, i learned that isn't always possible, so i simply accomodated. i accomodated so much, that i didn't learn who i was as a person. i didn't have the strength to back up my reactions with reason.
now i'm learning that if i go against the grain, it doesn't make me wrong. if someone doesn't like what i have to say, and they don't like that i'm not accomodating them anymore, it's very possible that they'll say or do something to try to put me back in my place. i'm upsetting the system, and some people may not like the change. i'll learn to say, "i'll consider that" when they try to tell me who i am and how i should act. it means that i will open my heart to think about what they're telling me, but not at that moment. it will happen at a later time. it also means that i realize that even if i'm right, there is still something i can learn. by considering what they're telling me, i may learn something about me, but it doesn't mean that everything i did was wrong.
in the room with my therapist, i know that i am expressing myself with clarity and truth. she hears it and asks me if i feel it. she wants me to recognize, not only the feeling, but that i have the capacity for it. i told her that this is just about the only place that i feel clear and confident. she tells me that's okay, because as i learn more about who i am, and the more strength i have, the easier it will be "out there." that's the one thing i think i want the most- the ability to stand firmly in what i believe about myself, and not worry so much about that stance that i second guess what i say and do and think. i want the peace and balance that comes from self confidence.
still processing...
so why do i get hooked into someone like this? because they continue to throw the bait because they need the attention (they're very provocative). i haven't learned how to not take the bait. i need to draw my boundries, and only go that far. if bait is thrown that takes me beyond my boundries, then i need to pass it up. this is difficult when the person is quite demanding of attention. the trick is to give them a bit of the attention they seek without going the entire distance.
accomodation: i've had to accomodate others for my entire life. what worked for mom? what worked for dad? what worked for the grandparents? what worked for friends? when i was small, i thought that the only way around this was through an outburst of anger- then i wouldn't have to go along with the flow. growing older, i learned that isn't always possible, so i simply accomodated. i accomodated so much, that i didn't learn who i was as a person. i didn't have the strength to back up my reactions with reason.
now i'm learning that if i go against the grain, it doesn't make me wrong. if someone doesn't like what i have to say, and they don't like that i'm not accomodating them anymore, it's very possible that they'll say or do something to try to put me back in my place. i'm upsetting the system, and some people may not like the change. i'll learn to say, "i'll consider that" when they try to tell me who i am and how i should act. it means that i will open my heart to think about what they're telling me, but not at that moment. it will happen at a later time. it also means that i realize that even if i'm right, there is still something i can learn. by considering what they're telling me, i may learn something about me, but it doesn't mean that everything i did was wrong.
in the room with my therapist, i know that i am expressing myself with clarity and truth. she hears it and asks me if i feel it. she wants me to recognize, not only the feeling, but that i have the capacity for it. i told her that this is just about the only place that i feel clear and confident. she tells me that's okay, because as i learn more about who i am, and the more strength i have, the easier it will be "out there." that's the one thing i think i want the most- the ability to stand firmly in what i believe about myself, and not worry so much about that stance that i second guess what i say and do and think. i want the peace and balance that comes from self confidence.
still processing...