the Machinations of the Pure of Heart
Tonight I told my mother that I appreciated all of her help in rebuilding my life after my last manic episode. Mainly, her help has consisted of her housing and (sortof) feeding me - you don't want to know how many pounds I've lost lately - and berating me for being the piece of trash she believes me to be. All under the guise that she wishes to
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and quite frankly, i think that if you reached out towards your friends (in similar manner to the way you already have with this journal post)
you may easily find the love and companionship you crave, yet feel unworthy of because of your percieved sins, to, in fact, be abundant
it was once proposed to me life is quite a bit like chinese spinning plates
and at some point in everyone's life they drop all their plates-
and at that critical juncture- when you are at your lowest- when you really know you dont have control- its when you can really change things
youve had so many people love you-
the friendships you think youve dropped and shattered are easily repaired-
and you can do it and you are worth it
but you do have to do something- because it wont simply plop in your lap
i have this beautiful little tarot deck that i occasionally do readings from-
when i was feeling my most stuck- very suicidal, friendless, and purposeless
i kept drawing this card "schizophrenia"- with a picture of a little man gripping by his toes and fingertips over a really deep chasm-
basically being caught between a rock and a hard spot
cant move your toes, cant move your fingers
so i guess ill just stay here in peril, right?
basically the message is- just move something- anything
do something cause you cant stay where your at-
and youll figure out REAL FAST what you really want- the moment you start moving- but for your sake- move something
i love you dear, and i hope that helps move something
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