The Curious Affair of the Beef Baron of London

[jenaiabird]

or

RCRD invades Canadia - A Travel Log

as reported by Lois DeGogh, 19th Wardens Referee
Acting First Officer, Wardens Vessel Moorglade (Zebra Class)

disclaimer the first: this is actually primarily written for one person; but because it is a multimedia extravaganza this was the best place I could figure to drop it. if you don't get it, don't feel bad ;)

disclaimer the second: this is a Derby thing... a continuation of an ongoing joke with the League Treasurer

disclaimer the third: this was written with the intent to be humorous. No customs agents, squirrels, skunks, strippers, or construction workers were harmed in the embellishment of this tale.


The trip began as any other trip would, quite routine with the gathering of the crew at Docking Bay 108, the stowing away of cargo and livestock, confirmation of Letters of Marque and the requisite potty-before-you-go.

There was some confusion over which role the young Ensign Shazbot would be fulfilling during this trip, he had submitted a request for Bombardier... yet Captain Psi'd Kick had declared quite confidently that he was the new Acting Stewardess. By way of compromise, it was determined before departure that Ensign Shazbot would assume the role of Bombastic Flight Attendant. Lieutenant Cuff Daddy observed and said nothing. We would later learn that it is indeed the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Having beverages of preference at hand, and our course laid out we undocked and departed for the badlands of Canadia.

 
 


Travel along the I-90 Corridor was rather uneventful. Conversation ranged from the expected Roller Derby Rules and training and reminiscing to brainy computery smart-guy stuff to plans for a Testosterosa, a haven for menfolk stuck shopping with their female companions… a one-stop-shop for bait, booze, ammo… and a stylish and manly haircut. It was not until we reached the Border Markers for the Canadian Territories did we encounter our first of many “interesting” situations.

First of all, in regard to the Customs agent on duty in our lane: don’t know who pissed in his poutine, but he was downright cranktastic. He reviewed our Letters of Marque and directed us to the Customs Station for a detailed inspection. We were asked to disembark and enter the Station while they searched the vessel, and the Letters were further reviewed and visual assessment of the crew was taken. After all had been deemed acceptable and satisfactory, we boarded the vessel and crossed over into the Canadian Territories.



The territories were quite lovely, and travel conditions were quite conducive to an enjoyable journey. Ensign Shazbot proved to not be quite so Bombastic in his Flight Attending Duties, however his adherence to the rule of not asking “Are We There Yet” allowed him to continue the journey from inside the Vessel and not affixed to the Hull.



We made excellent time, and arrived at our assigned billeting location.



A quick glance at our surrounds revealed a rather telling and apt representation of the moral conflict of sin and virtue within Man.


 

Profoundly apt, ironic, and amusing… particularly when one considers the fact that Ensign Shazbot happened to mention that a) the B-Sides were planning to patronize a Strip Club to celebrate the Occasion of the anniversary of Katie Rollerskates’ birth, b) Ensign Shazbot had never partaken of such entertainments, and c) he made the mistake of mentioning this oversight to the skaters. We were all in positive agreement that Ensign Shazbot was quite thoroughly doomed.

After baggage was stowed away in the room and other members of RCRD were located, we were regaled with tales of the Horrors which dwelt in the bowels of the Inn. It was pointed out that many aspects of the Inn resembled that of various crime scenes, and after taking a brief tour of the lower levels we were mildly inclined to agree.

The skaters were apparently invited upon check-in to make use of the Grand Room, which was the Hospitality Room of the Inn, for after-event revelry… and that we were free to be as loud and boisterous as we cared, for we would not be disturbing any of the other Patrons. Observing the Grand Room, we were rather… unsettled… at the notion of what the Inn Keeper was implying. We chose to pass on their generous offer (Although one must ask… how exactly can a Stairway be Out of Order? We actually did get an answer from one who braved the stairwell. Nevermind).


 
 





 
 


 


A Video Log was also recorded of this excursion, for your consideration:

Click to view

We ventured forth to the Bout venue, it was spacious from a square footage standpoint (consider for comparison Minnett Hall at the Dome)… however there were 2 rather disconcerting characteristics which presented unique challenges to anyone’s skating skills.

First, the floor was sugared… meaning it was coated with a sugar-water mixture to provide more traction. The floor required extremely grippy wheels, and in fact was at best entertaining and at worst frightening to skate to and from the “locker” areas; which were not coated.

The Second, and infinitely more disconcerting challenge was the padded support poles which kept the roof from falling down upon our heads. These poles were [in]conveniently located in the Referee/Safety (oh the irony) lane around the outside of the track. Due to the track being in its skewed oval form; the poles were not symmetrical to the track. 3 poles on each straight-away, the center pole was closest to the outside border of the track… which measured approximately 3 or 4 feet (a generous approximation, to be sure). This was somewhat mirrored on the other side of the track, which was even more of challenge for it being directly in front of the team benches.

I am happy to report that I did not make any unintentional or forceful contact with the poles. Some of the skaters (from all 4 teams of the double-header) were not so fortunate… for being blocked directly into the poles.

The details of the bout itself can best be relayed by the skaters, for they are largely irrelevant to the travel accounts themselves, but suffice it to say the B-Sides played well and while they were defeated, it was an honorable and respectable defeat.

After the 2nd bout we gathered our gear and returned briefly to the Inn, then ventured forth to the After Party. (I should mention in passing that the ATMs at the venue and at the After Party bar were quite adamant about NOT giving Americans money when proffering their cards. Most annoying.) The food was tasty, the beverages were acceptable and satisfying… and entertainment consisted of two gentlemen with a keyboard and guitar… and Roller Derby Antics. There was the requisite Derby Girl Pyramid; which as I recall did not involve any B-Sides, they had already ventured forth to the final stop on the tour. Prior to that was the Forest City Derby Girls’ Traditional Birthday Canoe Race… which seemed to consist of the Birthday Girls in question (in this case, Sean of the Dead vs Katie Rollerskates) lying on their backs and 3 girls sitting on them and “paddling.” Canadians…




There was also a rash epidemic of spontaneous mustachery… courtesy of PF Bangs. No one was safe, everyone succumbed to the outbreak. For some goatees and soul-patches were involved.

It was at this time that Ensign Shazbot was absconded by the B-Sides and dragged kicking and screaming [or not] out the door and on towards his date with destiny… and a side of Beef.

A short while later Captain Psi’d Kick and remaining crew chose to return to the Inn. Mildly concerned and feeling mildly responsible for the possible demise of our Naïve and only mildly Bombastic Flight Attendant, we ventured next door to the Beef Baron… an experience that involved neither burgers nor royalty.

Ensign Shazbot seemed intact and well, albeit a bit shell-shocked. Apparently there was an incident involving him and a dancer and a white lie and a strap-on and by the time we got there he was dating Stella Stonewheelz’ brother; but that’s a tale for another time.




The true highlight of the evening, however… was Temper Tangent making her London, Ontario Canada debut on the Beef Baron Stage. The apparent agreement was, if the B-Sides could convince Tangent to take the stage and do a Pole Dance routine, they would get free Beef Baron T-Shirts. Well, she did, and they did… and Canada had no idea what hit them. The resident dancers were none-to-pleased, but the announcer and the patrons were suitably impressed. Visual documentation was not allowed per the Proprietor of the establishment, out of respect for those who were watchin’ titties and coochie when they should’ve been home with they’s womens.

The Rochester contingent did eventually all make it back to the Inn relatively intact and without the involvement of representatives from the local constabulary. There were also encounters with a Squirrel of Unusual Size and a Stray ca--- I mean, Skunk… however neither encounter is particularly relevant to this discourse; save to say that no one was gnawed or sprayed in either encounter.

Sleeps were had, and in the morning we trickled by 2’s and 3’s into the dining area for the Continental Breakfast offerings (yay Cookie Crisp Cereal!!! ChocoChip Cookies for breakfast! Woot!) Needless to say the ambient volume increased exponentially with each additional RCRD member.

Respective vessels were loaded and boarded, and we all departed for the US of A. We were making good time, enjoying a beautiful day and pleasant Autumn scenery while the back seat occupants slumbered… when the bustling metropolis of Hamilton threw us a big bumpy rock… in the form of Construction. The Construction in and of itself was not so very disturbing… however the lack of instructions for a detour was. We quite literally went with the flow of traffic, which apparently took us completely around Hamilton and into the next town before dropping us back on the QEW. We were following the Cthulu Car, aka reflmao… and when we made it back onto the QEW a bit of car-to-car silliness ensued (have you ever seen a vehicle call Lead Jam? It requires 2 people and a sunroof).

We met the usual delay at the Border crossing… once we were through and back in American Airspace we all agreed that the Hamilton Detour took longer to navigate than the Border crossing. The remainder of the voyage was uneventful, traversing familiar routes and very soon approaching the markers for home.

Captain Psi’d Kick proved an able, patient, and reliable pilot… Ensign Shazbot needs to work on his beverage dispersal duties… and acquire a better fitting skirt… and Cuff Daddy proved to be one of those quiet ones chock full of one-liners and zingers… would highly suggest keeping an eye on that one.

Humbly submitted for your amusement
Lois DeGogh, Acting First Officer
Wardens Vessel Moorglade (Zebra Class)