(no subject)
Snow gives me such a peaceful feeling. It's really nice now that it seems like everything is at one extreme or another.
I wish I could either say fuck it all or turn into the girl that my parents want me to be. As it stands now I can't really do either. I need to be more financially stable to do the first or lose a lot of people to do the second. I can't go back to being their little girl. They've treated me as such for so long I'm not sure if they realize quite what they're doing to me. I know it may be cliche, but I really don't think that my parents remember what it was like to be young. My mother was the eldest of six, so even when she was 18 she had to take care of a two year old brother. And she went to catholic school and eventually a catholic college. Her way of breaking the mold when she was young was to become an accountant and a manager. Women couldn't do that then, but that's what she did anyway. My dad was kind of reckless, but he seems to have forgotten that everyone does stupid things when they're young. My mother has been rubbing off on him, making him think that I'm going to be their little girl forever. I'm not an immature 18. They don't know very many 18 year olds. I'm an immature 24 year old, which is really what they think I am. A 24 year old who is just starting a real job and is having to learn how to function in the real world. Except they're still thinking that I have to be sheltered and that I can't do anything on my own. They wonder why I never tell them anything or why I don't tell them where I'm really going. It's because they think that if they haven't met them, the people I'm hanging out with are bad people. They don't trust them. They don't remember that I know who's a good person to hang out with, and who isn't. When I do finally move out I'm going to write them a letter, and explain to them a lot of this. That I need to be independent and mature, and I can't do that while I'm still living with them. I know what I'm doing, and I won't come back later asking for money or anything.
I need to sit down and talk with them and not let them make me feel like I'm 13 again, trying to get them to let me go to the movies. I need a real adult conversation with them, but that's not going to happen until they realize that I'm not a little kid anymore, and I don't know how long that's going to take them.
I wish I could either say fuck it all or turn into the girl that my parents want me to be. As it stands now I can't really do either. I need to be more financially stable to do the first or lose a lot of people to do the second. I can't go back to being their little girl. They've treated me as such for so long I'm not sure if they realize quite what they're doing to me. I know it may be cliche, but I really don't think that my parents remember what it was like to be young. My mother was the eldest of six, so even when she was 18 she had to take care of a two year old brother. And she went to catholic school and eventually a catholic college. Her way of breaking the mold when she was young was to become an accountant and a manager. Women couldn't do that then, but that's what she did anyway. My dad was kind of reckless, but he seems to have forgotten that everyone does stupid things when they're young. My mother has been rubbing off on him, making him think that I'm going to be their little girl forever. I'm not an immature 18. They don't know very many 18 year olds. I'm an immature 24 year old, which is really what they think I am. A 24 year old who is just starting a real job and is having to learn how to function in the real world. Except they're still thinking that I have to be sheltered and that I can't do anything on my own. They wonder why I never tell them anything or why I don't tell them where I'm really going. It's because they think that if they haven't met them, the people I'm hanging out with are bad people. They don't trust them. They don't remember that I know who's a good person to hang out with, and who isn't. When I do finally move out I'm going to write them a letter, and explain to them a lot of this. That I need to be independent and mature, and I can't do that while I'm still living with them. I know what I'm doing, and I won't come back later asking for money or anything.
I need to sit down and talk with them and not let them make me feel like I'm 13 again, trying to get them to let me go to the movies. I need a real adult conversation with them, but that's not going to happen until they realize that I'm not a little kid anymore, and I don't know how long that's going to take them.