(no subject)
So, as my summer in New York City comes to a close, I can officially say I've reached that emotional point: the one of no return. I tried so hard to be guarded with Ashley, letting her in little by little while still maintaining some facade of indifference. It was alright during the year, because I saw her only every two weeks or so; I was still able to keep my walls up, to protect myself, to dissuade any pretense of vulnerability.
But now, we've spent an entire summer together. Three months without a single night apart. And we made all the plans I swore I'd never make again after Khannie - the little things like the kind of car we're going to have as soccer moms, the color theme for our wedding, the puppy that we're always on the brink of adopting - and we discuss these nuances everyday. They say that one day you realize the little things really were the big things all along, but what if you one day realize that these "things" were just a web you wove to protect yourself from the cold?
I want to be with Ashley forever; I really believe that. But everything with Khannie fell apart so suddenly, so unexpectedly that everyday I wake up scared. There are people dying of cancer, wars being waged, and sacrifices made across the globe and I greet the world with a sense of foreboding because I'm afraid that what happened with the last girl I really loved will happen again.
I try to blame it on my OCD - my cyclical thoughts, the constant repetition in my head - and the OCD undoubtedly plays a role in my relationship anxiety, but I'm the only one who can truly control my situation regardless of cause. So, as I sit here while Ashley spends a week at home before moving to Buffalo with me, I keep thinking the same thought over and over again: I love her too damn much.
But now, we've spent an entire summer together. Three months without a single night apart. And we made all the plans I swore I'd never make again after Khannie - the little things like the kind of car we're going to have as soccer moms, the color theme for our wedding, the puppy that we're always on the brink of adopting - and we discuss these nuances everyday. They say that one day you realize the little things really were the big things all along, but what if you one day realize that these "things" were just a web you wove to protect yourself from the cold?
I want to be with Ashley forever; I really believe that. But everything with Khannie fell apart so suddenly, so unexpectedly that everyday I wake up scared. There are people dying of cancer, wars being waged, and sacrifices made across the globe and I greet the world with a sense of foreboding because I'm afraid that what happened with the last girl I really loved will happen again.
I try to blame it on my OCD - my cyclical thoughts, the constant repetition in my head - and the OCD undoubtedly plays a role in my relationship anxiety, but I'm the only one who can truly control my situation regardless of cause. So, as I sit here while Ashley spends a week at home before moving to Buffalo with me, I keep thinking the same thought over and over again: I love her too damn much.