Fic: You need a shot to remember (A kiss and I will surrender) -- [Joncer]
Title: ‘You need a shot to remember (A kiss and I will surrender)’
Author:
jen_jm
Pairing: Jon Walker/Spencer Smith
Rating: PG-13 for boykissing
Characters: Jon Walker, Spencer Smith
Word count: about 2,100
Warnings: bit of language and a little angst, I guess.
Disclaimer: Jon and Spencer aren’t mine, they belong to each other Pete themselves. Actually no one in here belongs to me, and it’s so sad.
I really don’t mean to offend anyone and nothing of what I wrote in this story is to be considered real, it’s all fiction.
Author’s Notes: Because when I sit down and I decide I want to write a drabble about Jon’s fears about being a replacement, you can be sure it’s gonna turn out to be at least 2,000 words long. LOL
Title from My Chemical Romance’s song “The Sharpest Lives”, because somehow that’s kind of the line that inspired all this.
As ever, feel free to report any mistake. Constructive criticism is welcome, feedback makes me happy!
Beta: my adored&worshipped
faechan
Summary: “If he’s Brent’s replacement, maybe one day he’ll get a phone call from Spencer too.”
Crossposted. Like, a lot.
~~
Jon is not in the band, he knows that. He doesn’t belong there, not yet, and he’s not even sure he’ll have the chance to feel like he does. He’s a replacement, and he’s okay with that, he’s surprised Ryan actually accepted to let him try.
Jon has known these guys for a while now, they hang out together, he likes to consider himself a friend. Not the kind that never needs to ask to know what’s going on, like Ryan and Spencer are to each other. Not the kind that knows exactly how much sugar Brendon can eat in the morning before he starts to become too enthusiastic to be able to sit through songwriting. Not the kind that hangs out with one of them when the others aren’t there. He’s a friend of the band, one of the many, nothing more.
But now he’s also a replacement, and he wonders if they expect him to replace Brent in the band dynamics, or if he’s only supposed to play with them and then let them be RyanandBrendonandSpencer. He never asks if his name fits in there, he’s quite convinced it doesn’t, so he keeps doing what he knows he can do. He plays bass the best he can, and he takes pictures. Lots of them. More than usually, he has to admit, and it’s not like he thinks he’ll never see these guys again after the tour. But.
If he’s Brent’s replacement, maybe one day he’ll get a phone call from Spencer too. Maybe he’ll be told ‘don’t bother to come back in the morning’ in such nice words he won’t even feel the hurt, not until later, not until he’ll see the band without him. Not until he’ll see Spencer smile at someone else in the same way he smiles at Jon late at night, sprawled on the couch of the bus while an old movie plays on mute.
So when it is the end of the tour, Jon keeps taking pictures whenever he can, and he puts them in a shoebox he keeps hidden in his bunk. In Brent’s bunk. They’re the only thing he might have left if this crumbles beneath his feet, and he wants to remember.
It’s the last night on the bus before the final concert, but Brendon still jumps on him while they’re playing Guitar Hero, just to make him lose, and then declares that groping isn’t cheating. Ryan still talks to him about the movies he stole this week from Zack and asks his opinion on a band he found on MySpace, which kind of surprises Jon just like every other time. And Spencer. Spencer still lets him take pictures while they’re sitting on the couch together later that night, but his smile is not the same.
The show goes well, the crowd screams, sings along and throws stuffed animals on stage. A pink elephant hits Ryan’s guitar while he’s playing and he skips a couple of notes, but when he looks up, he smiles at the fans. They had worse things thrown at them, stuffed animals might be childish, but they’re a nice change. Jon plays at his best and wonders how it’ll feel the following night to be back in Chicago, alone in his apartment. The band will be in Chicago as well, but the interview is only for Brendon and Ryan, so he’ll probably stay home, or he'll hang out with William.
He glances only once at Spencer, between Time to dance and Lying, and Spencer smiles at him. It’s not the same, but Jon smiles back, and wishes he had his camera.
When they reach the dressing room they’re still high on adrenaline and excitement, there’s no time to talk about what’s gonna come after. They have an hotel booked, and Zack gives them the keys as soon as they reach the van that will bring them there. Jon is rooming with Spencer, which isn’t unusual, but it’s different, and for some reason it hurts to pretend it isn’t.
They’re both silent as they shower and put their pajamas on. Jon wants to think of a joke to ease the tension, but he ends up taking his camera from the bag instead. Spencer is next to the bathroom door, checking his sidekick and turns; he freezes on the spot and waits for him to snap the picture, but Jon shakes his head slowly. He doesn’t want to remember this, the last night, the way his throat his burning with throbbing hurt at the thought he won’t be able to take pictures of this again. He doesn’t want to remember the end.
“Hey.” Spencer just says with a little frown, and the look in his eyes is halfway between confused and resigned.
Jon doesn’t know why he moves, he’s standing just a few feet away from Spencer and he covers them in a second. He never looks away, and sees the tense posture of Spencer’s shoulders as Jon stops right in front of him.
Still, when Jon leans in and kisses him, Spencer doesn’t move away, doesn’t push him back, doesn’t react. Jon withdraws a few seconds later, and keeps his eyes closed.
“It’s over.”
Spencer is still frozen in the same spot when Jon walks away and puts his camera on the nightstand. Without glancing at the drummer he gets in bed and turns away. He hears Spencer move and come to stand next to his bed, but he doesn’t look up, he just keeps his eyes closed.
When Spencer finally walks to his own bed and turns the light off, Jon lets out a shaky breath.
~
They take a flight to reach Chicago, because after a tour like this, they can afford a plane for once. Zack already got them a van to reach the radio station and Jon almost falls when Brendon jumps him in his own version of a see-you-soon hug. Ryan is quite more contained, and Jon thinks once again that they could never survive without balancing each other. When it comes to Spencer, the drummer avoids looking at him in the eye, and the contact is brief and almost cold.
As Jon climbs on the cab, he tries to ignore the way he still feels the warmth of Spencer’s hand on his back. He takes the shoebox from the bag and opens it, glancing inside. When he sees Spencer’s blue eyes look up at him, he closes it immediately. It shouldn’t feel like a goodbye, but he knows that he can’t be a replacement forever and the band now has all the time to find a real bassist.
Dylan and Clover are with a friend, so Jon really is alone when he gets home. He hasn’t checked his voicemail for two days and when he looks, he sees five messages, so he presses play. Three are from his mother, one from William and one from Tom. He decides he’s going to call back later and he walks to his bedroom.
On the wall on his right, right above his desk, there’s a cork panel hanging on the wall and a few pictures pinned to it. It’s his favorite part of the bedroom, and even though he doesn’t spend much time in there, he keeps adding new stuff.
He puts the shoebox on the desk and opens it. It’s almost full and Jon doubts he’ll be able to fit all the pictures on the panel, but he knows he doesn’t need to hang all of them. Most of them are about Spencer and for a moment Jon feels kind of a stalker, but Spencer knows about every one of them, so no, he’s not. He picks the one where Ryan is writing on his notebook with a rare pleased, relaxed expression and the one where Brendon is doing his victory dance after a match at Guitar Hero, they aren’t tough to choose. Then he starts looking for his favorite, the one he took one of those late nights he and Spencer spent talking or simply sitting together, while Brendon and Ryan did the same just a few feet away, on the floor in front of the tv. The one where Spencer let him photograph his smile, that smile.
Jon keeps looking for it for several minutes, and when he realizes it’s not in the box, he almost throws the whole thing to the floor. What stops him is his cell phone, and he’s tempted to ignore it and just keep looking for the damn picture. When the ringing doesn’t stop, Jon sighs and answers, his voice even and a bit cold.
“Jon?” Spencer asks, like he’s not sure he’s talking to the same person he’s been in tour with for months.
“Hey,” Jon swallows around the tight knot in his throat, and tries to brace himself for whatever Spencer is about to say, “It’s been a while.” he jokes, but it sounds weak and it doesn’t ease the tension.
“I --” Spencer hesitates, his tone showing an edge of worry, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“I’m listening.” It’s only a whisper, not nearly as bitter and harsh as Jon wanted it.
“Me and the guys talked about this and --” Spencer stops again, and Jon’s heart almost does the same, “Fuck, can I come over?”
“You don’t know where I live.” Jon points out, frowning a bit and listening as Spencer tries to breathe evenly.
“I’m at the door,” Spencer is smiling a little and Jon feels it.
“You what?” Jon rushes to the door and looks through the peep-hole.
“And I know you’re spying me now.”
Jon ends the call and unlocks the door, not sure if he’s doing the right thing. But when he sees Spencer, the drummer still has a little smile stretching his lips and Jon’s throat feels vaguely better. Spencer walks in and waits for Jon to close the door, then turns to face him.
“I stole this from you last night.” Spencer hands him something, and Jon realizes it’s the picture he’s been looking for.
“Why?” Jon takes the picture and sees Spencer’s smile fade.
The drummer shrugs and walks farther in the apartment, looking around, “Nice place.”
“What did you and the guys talk about?” Jon asks more bluntly than he planned to and feels his stomach clench.
“You,” Spencer turns towards him again and there’s a long pause before he speaks again, “I didn’t want to, like, talk on the phone about this.”
Like you did with Brent, Jon adds in his head, his chest hurting once again.
“We think you should stay in the band. I mean, permanently.” Spencer bites on his lips briefly, trying to read Jon’s face.
Jon freezes at those words and almost drops the picture in shock. “Are you-- Really?”
Spencer lets out a breath and smiles at that reaction. “I guess you’re up for it, then.”
‘Fuck, yeah’ is what Jon wants to say, but what comes out isn’t exactly that. “What about last night?”
Spencer looks startled by the question, like he expected Jon to act like nothing happened. For a second Jon fears he just fucked up his only chance to be in the band, but somehow he can’t bring himself to care. He needs to know he didn’t fuck up with Spencer, first. When the drummer doesn’t look at him, Jon takes a few steps in his direction.
“Spence,” Jon calls quietly, not sure he’s doing the right thing, “If I thought this was my last day in the band, I’d do it again.” Spencer keeps his gaze away from him, and bites on his lip. When the drummer doesn’t say anything, Jon lets a little sad smile curve his lips, “Is it?”
“No,” Spencer whispers, then closes his eyes, “but do it anyway.”
“What?” It’s louder than Jon meant it to be, and Spence’s eyes snap open immediately. “Spence, you-- I mean, this --”
“Kiss me, Walker.” Spencer’s voice is more confident now, and Jon doesn’t know what to do. Part of him is yelling ‘consequences, dammit!’ at him, and the other is begging him to kiss Spencer and to do it immediately.
Eventually, Jon just leans in and lets his lips part against Spencer’s, shoving every thought deep down until all he can focus on his Spencer’s warmth right there. Spencer slowly pushes him against the near wall, and Jon drops the picture on the ground, forgotten.
It’s Spencer who pulls back first, Jon still has his eyes closed, but then he opens his mouth to ask something and the drummer presses a thumb to his lips.
“It’s not over.” It’s a whisper, just like the previous night, and Jon looks at him. Spencer smiles when their eyes meet, and it’s not the same smile Jon missed so much in the past days. It’s better.
~~end