To Find Shamballa -- Chapter Ten, Part Three

[inuyashanohime]

---
Transylvania, 1921
---

Edward Elric should have watched where he was leaning. He shouldn’t have been leaning as close as he was, staring at parted lips for the occasional English word, something to piece together whatever in the hell was going on in this world or the next, strung together only in half-sentences and word fragments

Comments

[peace_of_hope]

I enjoy the plot you have going here and look forward to some romance between Al x Win and some Ed x Hei, however, if I may offer some constructive criticism:

I feel that the story is a little flat. Plot is one of the key elements a fanfic must have, but you have a good plot that will entertain the reader. But the characters seem flat; the physical descriptions are already in the characters minds as is personality. It is the actions and subtle behaviors of the characters that I think are missing. Ed, Hei, and Alphonse (to some extent) are fleshed out and believable. But Winry still needs a bit more. I know she is only a supporting character and the point of view focuses on the three males, but by not having her a dimensional character, to me at least, her purpose fails. I would suggest giving her a little more screen time and not just with Al, so that we can see her inner thoughts and how she acts alone.

Similar to giving the characters more dimension, I think it would be best to show emotion through thoughts, actions, etc instead of telling emotion. There is heavy narration in the piece, which could easily be modified to say "Al felt" instead, which gives the impression that it is Al talking/thinking and not the omnipotent narrator. Not that the point of view should be changed, but it feels like you are telling too much instead of showing. Remember, "show, don't tell" in writing. This would also give the story some depth.

Also, there is a lot of dialog, which can be a good thing, but it seems unsupported by thought or descriptions. The few thoughts or inner monologues of Al are interspersed sparsely and stick out too much. There should be a less apparent integration of dialog and prose.

I enjoy reading this story and can't wait for the next chapter (some hot love?), but I think changing just a few elements and strengthening characters will gives your story some added depth and make it more sophisticated fanfiction.

[inuyashanohime]

You know...I am moved beyond words at the fact that you would stop here and give me this much feedback. *_* That's the first thing.

And secondly...

I really don't know what to say. Just...thank you so much for reading, and that I'll take all of this to heart to make my writing better.

Though I'm not sure hot love will come anytime soon for Ed and Hei...I'm trying my best to make their attraction natural, and more realistic.

But next chapter, I'm hoping things will be more structured. I'm even doing extra planning and characterization to make sure of this.

Again, I...

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

*blushflail*

...

I totally fail at giving review responses...