3843: Fear Of Missing Out
Continuing on a vague theme, I note that two friends of mine [collectively] had a baby boy this [Tuesday, not Wednesday] morning, Charles Arthur D. I'm omitting their last name mostly because I don't feel like being one of those people who throws all kinds of personal info on the Internet w/o permission even though I've done so in the past [mistake, I know]. All of one of you know who they are anyway.
Unless you're stalking my FB page, then... you still wouldn't know, I think. Maybe. Whatever.
Point being, despite my 25+ conscious years of not being the slightest bit interested, I still have biological instincts to... you know. It's like those subliminal messages in movies and such, telling you to get popcorn when you actually hate popcorn, even, but somehow the smell drifting in from the concessions stand is alluring all the same. Even though you're on a diet, 'cause you don't wanna get fat. Even though you know you'll just end up with melted butter in your lap through the whole movie. Even though... your analogy is kinda running thin, but basically you just want the experience of getting the popcorn, 'cause that's the best part, and you know the popcorn is just going to be a big mess that you're committed to having for the rest of the movie unless someone wants to take your popcorn off you ['cause dumping it in the trash is an awful waste on all kinds of levels].
Yes, I actually said that. I recognize my feelings for what they are and know the price of popcorn isn't worth it. I do not seek out popcorn, but if popcorn is handed to me by fate, I will handle it from there.
...what was I talking about? Babies? Huh.
So, I have passed the point in my life when my mother had already had me, which means if I have kids in the future, it's bound to be more difficult for me than for her based on the presumption that it is more difficult for older first-time mothers in terms of both pregnancy and in adjusting to parenthood in the first place. This is even if I stop at one vs. duplicating myself AND my brother or [gad forbid] having multiples, on top of my non-nurturing nature and general dislike of reliving the failures of my own childhood--particularly the incontinence era =/
Yet it keeps crossing my mind not only because even female friends I thought would end up embittered old maids like me [HAR] have gotten on TEH BABBY BANDWAGON, plus the whole "co-workers are babby-obsessed" thing mucking things up -_-
I've worked out this much, tho, which I'll feel free to share ifWHEN I get the third degree about it at work: If I spawn, I am almost guaranteed to quit 1. my job, 2. art, or 3. both. There's no way I can possibly juggle the things I want to do with being a mother, even if none of my fears come true [which, er, I've actually written a book about]. Yes, I realize that being a parent involves taking on all kinds of new responsibilities that new parents also "grow into", but... really. This is effectively three full-time jobs, and ONE of them would have to go.
And I think I would die if it's art =( I'm not getting paid nearly enough to turn into my co-workers, i.e., babby, accounting, MAYBE sleep, repeatNO TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE!!!1ZOMG D=
On a lighter note, I haven't decided whether to make a big deal about my friends picking the initials CAD. I do, however, think that Mugg/Miyamoto has potential for some good ones, if I can get past the fact I don't like many names that would need said initials =/ I'd end up with something dull like... Brian Phillip 9_9 though I know too many Brians, and the only other two Bs I remotely like are also names of schoolmates [a little weird]. This is just the boy names, too--didn't even look at girl names, 'cause there really aren't many girl names I like by comparison and I didn't want to depress myself.
[Kurt Matthew Franklin Douglas would be cool, though, even if C has this thing about multiple middle names being a waste]
So, anyway, is it too early to plan my midlife crisis? As in, I get the feeling I've lost my "cool" years, that I should've been riding motorbikes through high school and college 'cause trying to get started now just nets threat-of-heart-attack disapproval from family who say, "You're too old for that shit, why do you wanna risk your life when you've finally got yourself establishedONEONEONE! D=<" 9_9 I kinda don't wanna wait until I'm 60 and allowed to say, "I lived my life, I finally earned the privilege of throwing it away!" ='
Or are people really threatened by someone driving a muscle car under the speed limit ¬_¬ [I just think, why speed when the point is to show off the wheels?]
so, goobers
Unless you're stalking my FB page, then... you still wouldn't know, I think. Maybe. Whatever.
Point being, despite my 25+ conscious years of not being the slightest bit interested, I still have biological instincts to... you know. It's like those subliminal messages in movies and such, telling you to get popcorn when you actually hate popcorn, even, but somehow the smell drifting in from the concessions stand is alluring all the same. Even though you're on a diet, 'cause you don't wanna get fat. Even though you know you'll just end up with melted butter in your lap through the whole movie. Even though... your analogy is kinda running thin, but basically you just want the experience of getting the popcorn, 'cause that's the best part, and you know the popcorn is just going to be a big mess that you're committed to having for the rest of the movie unless someone wants to take your popcorn off you ['cause dumping it in the trash is an awful waste on all kinds of levels].
Yes, I actually said that. I recognize my feelings for what they are and know the price of popcorn isn't worth it. I do not seek out popcorn, but if popcorn is handed to me by fate, I will handle it from there.
...what was I talking about? Babies? Huh.
So, I have passed the point in my life when my mother had already had me, which means if I have kids in the future, it's bound to be more difficult for me than for her based on the presumption that it is more difficult for older first-time mothers in terms of both pregnancy and in adjusting to parenthood in the first place. This is even if I stop at one vs. duplicating myself AND my brother or [gad forbid] having multiples, on top of my non-nurturing nature and general dislike of reliving the failures of my own childhood--particularly the incontinence era =/
Yet it keeps crossing my mind not only because even female friends I thought would end up embittered old maids like me [HAR] have gotten on TEH BABBY BANDWAGON, plus the whole "co-workers are babby-obsessed" thing mucking things up -_-
I've worked out this much, tho, which I'll feel free to share ifWHEN I get the third degree about it at work: If I spawn, I am almost guaranteed to quit 1. my job, 2. art, or 3. both. There's no way I can possibly juggle the things I want to do with being a mother, even if none of my fears come true [which, er, I've actually written a book about]. Yes, I realize that being a parent involves taking on all kinds of new responsibilities that new parents also "grow into", but... really. This is effectively three full-time jobs, and ONE of them would have to go.
And I think I would die if it's art =( I'm not getting paid nearly enough to turn into my co-workers, i.e., babby, accounting, MAYBE sleep, repeatNO TIME FOR ANYTHING ELSE!!!1ZOMG D=
On a lighter note, I haven't decided whether to make a big deal about my friends picking the initials CAD. I do, however, think that Mugg/Miyamoto has potential for some good ones, if I can get past the fact I don't like many names that would need said initials =/ I'd end up with something dull like... Brian Phillip 9_9 though I know too many Brians, and the only other two Bs I remotely like are also names of schoolmates [a little weird]. This is just the boy names, too--didn't even look at girl names, 'cause there really aren't many girl names I like by comparison and I didn't want to depress myself.
[Kurt Matthew Franklin Douglas would be cool, though, even if C has this thing about multiple middle names being a waste]
So, anyway, is it too early to plan my midlife crisis? As in, I get the feeling I've lost my "cool" years, that I should've been riding motorbikes through high school and college 'cause trying to get started now just nets threat-of-heart-attack disapproval from family who say, "You're too old for that shit, why do you wanna risk your life when you've finally got yourself establishedONEONEONE! D=<" 9_9 I kinda don't wanna wait until I'm 60 and allowed to say, "I lived my life, I finally earned the privilege of throwing it away!" ='
Or are people really threatened by someone driving a muscle car under the speed limit ¬_¬ [I just think, why speed when the point is to show off the wheels?]
so, goobers