2828: There Are Such Things
I noticed this article, which describes a lot of the process that I've been struggling with my entire life [I've mentioned my packrat mother, right?] and is basically what I'm going through now except, instead of blanketly trashing or donating unwanted odds and ends, trying to eBay what's perfectly good but undesired in this household, to see if those things can't find a loving new owner.
Some days, it's not so rewarding [and I'm not talking about failed profiteering], but the odd "My daughter loves it! Thank you!!!" does put a little smile on my face.
[and gives me +1]
All the same, there are things I don't foresee ever finding that loving owner--certain pornographic things that PayPal doesn't want to allow payment for ¬_¬; because they're a high fraud risk or whatever--and I think those might as well see their inevitable fate in the recycle center... or landfill, 'cause sometimes they lie about what they recycle, but I am basically existentialist in the matter and can't see farther beyond my own lifespan, since I'm not planning to reproduce any lifetime soon.
...
In a way, I'm almost disappointed that neither of our sets of parents have really laid it on thick in terms of, "When are you getting married???" and "When are you having kids???" ...'cause I have a good one for the latter =p
You know when children ask their parents if they can get a dog or cat? And the parents say, "Who's going to take care of it?" and the children insist they will, but the parents insist that they will be the ones who end up taking care of it?
Basically, that, but having a baby.
'cause, seriously--if I was guilted into having a baby, I'd have to be assured that I wouldn't have to raise it if my decision to not have one is based on my self-assessment of being a terrible parent, and the world does NOT need more of those. Of course, given that adoptive parents [though I don't like to believe it] might be just as terrible as biological parents, I don't think I'd even want to just hand my child(ren?) over to Unknown Adoptive Parent(s).
But, as said, moot point.
Yet the topic of grandkids comes up at least once a month--more when reading multiple columns--and it's almost always from a "grieving" would-be grandparent who has one child who is either gay/lesbian, adamantly single, or married but determined not to have kids [as opposed to genuinely trying but failing].
But then, this came up:On nagging for grandchildren:
After my now-49-year-old daughter had been married a couple of years without a baby, she approached me and said, "Mom, I'm not sure if John and I should have a baby." My response: "I don't think you should!" "But don't you want grandchildren?" she asked. "Not at your expense!" I replied.
I could see a massive load was lifted from her shoulders. Her younger sister married, has two boys and they have frequent, and brief, loving times together. Having a baby to please someone else is not fair to anyone -- not the mother, father, particularly not the child, and yes, not even the grandparents!
M.G.
which, I think this is the case for us. My folks, I think we lowered the bar long ago ;p especially, since I was a pretty vitriolic kid when it came to things I disagreed with [though I did so as to accumulate minimal threat of violence to self], I bet I'd be a nightmare mother. His folks... maybe Chars would be a good candidate, but hrm about the others? Certainly Toby... *weeps for posterity* Anyway, I'm surprised this doesn't make its rounds more often:On new grandparents kept at arm's length:
The wisdom of our parents' generation in many cases does not apply anymore. Just two examples: Babies are almost all sleeping on their backs now, and parents are told to put off the introduction of solid foods till 5 or 6 months of age. This isn't an indictment of what my mother's generation did. It's just different now. I know that some grandmas are having a hard time hearing, "I know Billy turned out okay, but this is how I want to do it."
Some other big concerns: Do the grandparents have equipment that meets current safety standards? I know a grandma who set up an antique bassinet and insisted that it was fine, when anyone could see that it was made with the bars too far apart and it was in degraded condition.
Does Grandma or Grandpa smoke? Are they in good health? Do they have pets that would be hard to control around the baby? It is nearly impossible for any of us to look at ourselves objectively. Maybe the parents have very good reasons for keeping the grandparents at arm's length, but they hesitate to share them for fear of hurting their feelings.
Brand-new mothers also are eager to show they can take care of themselves and their new babies. Things will change, I'm sure, but for now, it's these mothers' turn.
Enjoying Mothering
Incidentally:shower but no wedding invite: Yes, it's bad form. But do not automatically attribute said bad form to bridal couple. Sometimes the shower hosts make up the guest list w/out consulting the bride.
Or even in defiance of the bride. My MIL did this, inviting all the third cousins twice removed who weren't on my SIL's guest list. (Yes, it's bad form for MIL to throw a shower. No, we could not stop her.) My poor SIL was later confronted by one of these distant relatives for -her- poor manners.
I thought MIL was trying to blackmail SIL into expanding the guest list. But no, she just wanted all those relatives to buy a wedding gift for her kid because she bought gifts for theirs.
My case was even worse, if possible. She sprung the idea on me late, and as I lived out of town, I could not possibly arrange cross-country travel to attend a shower on late notice, weekends were all booked, lovely gesture, thanks so much for thinking of me. She had the shower WITHOUT ME and without TELLING ME. Just invited everyone over, grabbed up the gifts on my behalf and sent them to me.
All those relatives thought I was awful, when really, I was every bit as horrified as them.
Carolyn Hax: For every judgment, there's an argument for reserving judgment till all the facts are in hand. Oy. Thanks.
I already do NOT want a shower or any sort of gift-related party regarding wedding stuff IF Chars and I ever tie the knot. I state this in advance that if any of you try to throw a shower in my name, especially if you commit the abovementioned rudenesses, I will never forgive you >_< [and apologize massively to anyone who falls into the trap, though I will likely send notice out to anyone who knows me not to fall for such a scam]
[[although I think anyone who is genuinely offended by the "presumptuousness" of pre-emptively writing "No gifts, please" on an invitation or [yeesh!] an announcement, because THIS COMMERCIALLY-GEARED DAY AND AGE naturally equates all holidays and special events with gift-giving but how DARE the host(ess)(e)(s) presume to think they would give a gift!!!1 and then decline the gift in advance!!!1!one! is being just a little uptight about what's meant to be a gesture of, "I really just want people to party with me, don't feel obligated to bring anything, especially if it will inconvenienice you."]]
But hrm.
I got another set of Disney labels from my bank... I noticed that Ariel got duped [making for lots of Mermaid labels], bumping Bambi. At least I still have Lilo & Stitch, but... why Ariel?? =p Very nearly my LEAST favourite of the major Disney characters [Bambi at least had Thumper, though I guess Sebastian is there, too].
[back to mapping... then seep so to get up early!]
Some days, it's not so rewarding [and I'm not talking about failed profiteering], but the odd "My daughter loves it! Thank you!!!" does put a little smile on my face.
[and gives me +1]
All the same, there are things I don't foresee ever finding that loving owner--certain pornographic things that PayPal doesn't want to allow payment for ¬_¬; because they're a high fraud risk or whatever--and I think those might as well see their inevitable fate in the recycle center... or landfill, 'cause sometimes they lie about what they recycle, but I am basically existentialist in the matter and can't see farther beyond my own lifespan, since I'm not planning to reproduce any lifetime soon.
...
In a way, I'm almost disappointed that neither of our sets of parents have really laid it on thick in terms of, "When are you getting married???" and "When are you having kids???" ...'cause I have a good one for the latter =p
You know when children ask their parents if they can get a dog or cat? And the parents say, "Who's going to take care of it?" and the children insist they will, but the parents insist that they will be the ones who end up taking care of it?
Basically, that, but having a baby.
'cause, seriously--if I was guilted into having a baby, I'd have to be assured that I wouldn't have to raise it if my decision to not have one is based on my self-assessment of being a terrible parent, and the world does NOT need more of those. Of course, given that adoptive parents [though I don't like to believe it] might be just as terrible as biological parents, I don't think I'd even want to just hand my child(ren?) over to Unknown Adoptive Parent(s).
But, as said, moot point.
Yet the topic of grandkids comes up at least once a month--more when reading multiple columns--and it's almost always from a "grieving" would-be grandparent who has one child who is either gay/lesbian, adamantly single, or married but determined not to have kids [as opposed to genuinely trying but failing].
But then, this came up:On nagging for grandchildren:
After my now-49-year-old daughter had been married a couple of years without a baby, she approached me and said, "Mom, I'm not sure if John and I should have a baby." My response: "I don't think you should!" "But don't you want grandchildren?" she asked. "Not at your expense!" I replied.
I could see a massive load was lifted from her shoulders. Her younger sister married, has two boys and they have frequent, and brief, loving times together. Having a baby to please someone else is not fair to anyone -- not the mother, father, particularly not the child, and yes, not even the grandparents!
M.G.
which, I think this is the case for us. My folks, I think we lowered the bar long ago ;p especially, since I was a pretty vitriolic kid when it came to things I disagreed with [though I did so as to accumulate minimal threat of violence to self], I bet I'd be a nightmare mother. His folks... maybe Chars would be a good candidate, but hrm about the others? Certainly Toby... *weeps for posterity* Anyway, I'm surprised this doesn't make its rounds more often:On new grandparents kept at arm's length:
The wisdom of our parents' generation in many cases does not apply anymore. Just two examples: Babies are almost all sleeping on their backs now, and parents are told to put off the introduction of solid foods till 5 or 6 months of age. This isn't an indictment of what my mother's generation did. It's just different now. I know that some grandmas are having a hard time hearing, "I know Billy turned out okay, but this is how I want to do it."
Some other big concerns: Do the grandparents have equipment that meets current safety standards? I know a grandma who set up an antique bassinet and insisted that it was fine, when anyone could see that it was made with the bars too far apart and it was in degraded condition.
Does Grandma or Grandpa smoke? Are they in good health? Do they have pets that would be hard to control around the baby? It is nearly impossible for any of us to look at ourselves objectively. Maybe the parents have very good reasons for keeping the grandparents at arm's length, but they hesitate to share them for fear of hurting their feelings.
Brand-new mothers also are eager to show they can take care of themselves and their new babies. Things will change, I'm sure, but for now, it's these mothers' turn.
Enjoying Mothering
Incidentally:shower but no wedding invite: Yes, it's bad form. But do not automatically attribute said bad form to bridal couple. Sometimes the shower hosts make up the guest list w/out consulting the bride.
Or even in defiance of the bride. My MIL did this, inviting all the third cousins twice removed who weren't on my SIL's guest list. (Yes, it's bad form for MIL to throw a shower. No, we could not stop her.) My poor SIL was later confronted by one of these distant relatives for -her- poor manners.
I thought MIL was trying to blackmail SIL into expanding the guest list. But no, she just wanted all those relatives to buy a wedding gift for her kid because she bought gifts for theirs.
My case was even worse, if possible. She sprung the idea on me late, and as I lived out of town, I could not possibly arrange cross-country travel to attend a shower on late notice, weekends were all booked, lovely gesture, thanks so much for thinking of me. She had the shower WITHOUT ME and without TELLING ME. Just invited everyone over, grabbed up the gifts on my behalf and sent them to me.
All those relatives thought I was awful, when really, I was every bit as horrified as them.
Carolyn Hax: For every judgment, there's an argument for reserving judgment till all the facts are in hand. Oy. Thanks.
I already do NOT want a shower or any sort of gift-related party regarding wedding stuff IF Chars and I ever tie the knot. I state this in advance that if any of you try to throw a shower in my name, especially if you commit the abovementioned rudenesses, I will never forgive you >_< [and apologize massively to anyone who falls into the trap, though I will likely send notice out to anyone who knows me not to fall for such a scam]
[[although I think anyone who is genuinely offended by the "presumptuousness" of pre-emptively writing "No gifts, please" on an invitation or [yeesh!] an announcement, because THIS COMMERCIALLY-GEARED DAY AND AGE naturally equates all holidays and special events with gift-giving but how DARE the host(ess)(e)(s) presume to think they would give a gift!!!1 and then decline the gift in advance!!!1!one! is being just a little uptight about what's meant to be a gesture of, "I really just want people to party with me, don't feel obligated to bring anything, especially if it will inconvenienice you."]]
But hrm.
I got another set of Disney labels from my bank... I noticed that Ariel got duped [making for lots of Mermaid labels], bumping Bambi. At least I still have Lilo & Stitch, but... why Ariel?? =p Very nearly my LEAST favourite of the major Disney characters [Bambi at least had Thumper, though I guess Sebastian is there, too].
[back to mapping... then seep so to get up early!]