Forget me, it's that simple......
I used to think I could save the world, fixing one person at a time.
Today I realize that most people don't want to be fixed.
And most of those that do, want to do it on their own.
I had planned to master the craft, so that one day I could fix myself.
I've been told that "if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans."
Because of my emotional hemophilia, I pull the hood over my eyes and force myself to live in a dream because it is the only way to live a relatively normal life. But it's the kind of dream where I always wake up screaming.
My friend Dennis [[d_klein]] once wrote me this in a letter. I am almost positive I sent him a lengthy response about how God and the world work in mysterious ways and how I'm sure that even if you can't help everyone, helping one person should be enough satisfaction. *rolls eyes* Something along those "typical Love answer" lines.
He's right though. You can't help everyone, even those who you care about most. I feel like I've tried to shove myself into the middle of something that I had no right touching. I felt like just cuz I was close to one person I was close to everyone they were close too and that's not true. I just need to take the hint and step the hell outta everyone else's business.
I can only care so much before I break. I have had so much love in my heart all my life. I swell with it, I overflow with it, I wreak of it. But you know what? I think I'm running out. I think I've forgotten how to love enough to heal someone. Maybe I never had that power to begin with.
The only person who has helped me keep my sanity lately is Josh. And I have rarely even been able to spend time with him recently, cuz work has been ridiculous. LoveSpell is working on a new script and all these things have to come together and they just...aren't. I am debating putting it on hold again...who knows? All I know is that waking up next to him and leaving him there alone, and then coming home with barely enough time to tell him about my day before we both pass out has got to be taking his toll on him cuz it's driving me nuts. I don't know how much longer he is going to want to stay in this house, in this city, here with me. I'm terrified that I'm going to come home from one of my long days and see a note that says "Gone home, catch ya later" or something. Oh God, please don't do that to me.
Jessie and I leave for Chicago early Tuesday morning...like 2am. I wanted to fly at night cuz then Jess and I will be less recognized and we can sleep on the plane and talk. Late flights are usually a lot less crowded too and I need that time before we get there to think. I think Chris and Josh are gonna choose one of our houses and hole up there until we get back. I plan to be back by Thursday but...we'll see. This whole trip is a big "we'll see." and I'm scared.
The floor is spinning wildly beneath me right now and I really don't think I have much else to hang onto. I am just trying to balance myself among everyone and all their problems, and I'm trying to do a good job of it. I want you all to know that I am here.
And I'm sorry if I have imposed or stepped where I shouldn't.
I love everyone. I'm sorry if this entry makes no sense I'm so exhausted I could collapse right here. Instead, I will crawl next to my Josh and cuddle. He smells very good.
Happy Birthday Mister Billy!
Your presents are in the mail and should be there early tomorrow *cheesy grin*
Today I realize that most people don't want to be fixed.
And most of those that do, want to do it on their own.
I had planned to master the craft, so that one day I could fix myself.
I've been told that "if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans."
Because of my emotional hemophilia, I pull the hood over my eyes and force myself to live in a dream because it is the only way to live a relatively normal life. But it's the kind of dream where I always wake up screaming.
My friend Dennis [[d_klein]] once wrote me this in a letter. I am almost positive I sent him a lengthy response about how God and the world work in mysterious ways and how I'm sure that even if you can't help everyone, helping one person should be enough satisfaction. *rolls eyes* Something along those "typical Love answer" lines.
He's right though. You can't help everyone, even those who you care about most. I feel like I've tried to shove myself into the middle of something that I had no right touching. I felt like just cuz I was close to one person I was close to everyone they were close too and that's not true. I just need to take the hint and step the hell outta everyone else's business.
I can only care so much before I break. I have had so much love in my heart all my life. I swell with it, I overflow with it, I wreak of it. But you know what? I think I'm running out. I think I've forgotten how to love enough to heal someone. Maybe I never had that power to begin with.
The only person who has helped me keep my sanity lately is Josh. And I have rarely even been able to spend time with him recently, cuz work has been ridiculous. LoveSpell is working on a new script and all these things have to come together and they just...aren't. I am debating putting it on hold again...who knows? All I know is that waking up next to him and leaving him there alone, and then coming home with barely enough time to tell him about my day before we both pass out has got to be taking his toll on him cuz it's driving me nuts. I don't know how much longer he is going to want to stay in this house, in this city, here with me. I'm terrified that I'm going to come home from one of my long days and see a note that says "Gone home, catch ya later" or something. Oh God, please don't do that to me.
Jessie and I leave for Chicago early Tuesday morning...like 2am. I wanted to fly at night cuz then Jess and I will be less recognized and we can sleep on the plane and talk. Late flights are usually a lot less crowded too and I need that time before we get there to think. I think Chris and Josh are gonna choose one of our houses and hole up there until we get back. I plan to be back by Thursday but...we'll see. This whole trip is a big "we'll see." and I'm scared.
The floor is spinning wildly beneath me right now and I really don't think I have much else to hang onto. I am just trying to balance myself among everyone and all their problems, and I'm trying to do a good job of it. I want you all to know that I am here.
And I'm sorry if I have imposed or stepped where I shouldn't.
I love everyone. I'm sorry if this entry makes no sense I'm so exhausted I could collapse right here. Instead, I will crawl next to my Josh and cuddle. He smells very good.
Happy Birthday Mister Billy!
Your presents are in the mail and should be there early tomorrow *cheesy grin*