an update on me life.
according to sara, it's probably the worst sign of sadness when you're unable to talk about it. the most unhealthy way. well, unlike her, i haven't been able to talk about my recent mood swing. so i thought i'd at least try.
maybe sad isn't the word? maybe just apathetic towards life. wednesday was a good day. i was able to walk around downtown with one of my best friends, a friend who i've significantly drifted from, and two new friends, enjoying the beautiful weather, sipping an iced chai and having insightful political discussions. wednesday was a good day.
i suppose i'm sort of taking each day as it comes. and when a happy day does come, i try my best to savor every moment of it.
i don't know why i'm so fond of the whole "tell-nothing" approach to emotional expression. i don't like having people worry about me. i don't like pity. i need to work on that.
last night, while watching the oc (and i am perfectly aware that it is a fictional sitcom), i realized that maybe madison is the right choice for me because of adam. i never wanted to be that girl who willingly follows her boyfriend around, but maybe, in this situation, i do want to be. seth and summer were talking about their dreams for the future, and summer said something of the sort of "well, seth, your dream may be to go to your dream college, but mine is to be with the one i love." and maybe i'm summer in this situation? i don't know. i don't really know anything anymore. if, by now, i really can't choose - why not follow the romantic instinct of my heart?
everything just seems to have been slapping me in the face lately. i don't want to spend my entire spring break paging through the ap bio prep book. i want to enjoy the play. mr. cassinni suggested i get through the book the week before the week of the performances, and then simply not look at it again. and then just walk into the test the following monday. hellloooo? procratination is my middle name. not gonna happen. i can't go to my dream college. i can't afford too. which is a lame excuse, but it's true. not to mention my parents just decided to tell me i could infact go if i paid for half of it. yeah. just now. in april. after the application deadlines. they're sneaky like that. i hate the cold. hate, hate, hate. maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. mmm, yes. self-diagnosed. i don't like it when people look at me with that "yeah, riiiight" look when i tell them that i'm moving to california following my 4-year undergrad. california makes me happy. much happier than wisconsin. i don't like it when people don't believe in me. i don't like it that i'm crabby. or that i've stooped so low as to bitch about people behind their backs all too frequently. i don't like seeing my mom depressed. she's been very open to me about my aunt's condition, but i'm still told that "i don't know what's all really going on." i don't like it when people give up on hope. or on themselves. or on others. i don't like cancer. it's so terrifying. my mom was afraid that my aunt was going to die on my birthday. i don't like crying, when it happens spontaneously. just out of sadness. i'm not depressed, just sad.
i, i, i. me, me, me. that's why i don't like writing things like this. i just feel selfish. i just need a break.
maybe sad isn't the word? maybe just apathetic towards life. wednesday was a good day. i was able to walk around downtown with one of my best friends, a friend who i've significantly drifted from, and two new friends, enjoying the beautiful weather, sipping an iced chai and having insightful political discussions. wednesday was a good day.
i suppose i'm sort of taking each day as it comes. and when a happy day does come, i try my best to savor every moment of it.
i don't know why i'm so fond of the whole "tell-nothing" approach to emotional expression. i don't like having people worry about me. i don't like pity. i need to work on that.
last night, while watching the oc (and i am perfectly aware that it is a fictional sitcom), i realized that maybe madison is the right choice for me because of adam. i never wanted to be that girl who willingly follows her boyfriend around, but maybe, in this situation, i do want to be. seth and summer were talking about their dreams for the future, and summer said something of the sort of "well, seth, your dream may be to go to your dream college, but mine is to be with the one i love." and maybe i'm summer in this situation? i don't know. i don't really know anything anymore. if, by now, i really can't choose - why not follow the romantic instinct of my heart?
everything just seems to have been slapping me in the face lately. i don't want to spend my entire spring break paging through the ap bio prep book. i want to enjoy the play. mr. cassinni suggested i get through the book the week before the week of the performances, and then simply not look at it again. and then just walk into the test the following monday. hellloooo? procratination is my middle name. not gonna happen. i can't go to my dream college. i can't afford too. which is a lame excuse, but it's true. not to mention my parents just decided to tell me i could infact go if i paid for half of it. yeah. just now. in april. after the application deadlines. they're sneaky like that. i hate the cold. hate, hate, hate. maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. mmm, yes. self-diagnosed. i don't like it when people look at me with that "yeah, riiiight" look when i tell them that i'm moving to california following my 4-year undergrad. california makes me happy. much happier than wisconsin. i don't like it when people don't believe in me. i don't like it that i'm crabby. or that i've stooped so low as to bitch about people behind their backs all too frequently. i don't like seeing my mom depressed. she's been very open to me about my aunt's condition, but i'm still told that "i don't know what's all really going on." i don't like it when people give up on hope. or on themselves. or on others. i don't like cancer. it's so terrifying. my mom was afraid that my aunt was going to die on my birthday. i don't like crying, when it happens spontaneously. just out of sadness. i'm not depressed, just sad.
i, i, i. me, me, me. that's why i don't like writing things like this. i just feel selfish. i just need a break.