STARDUST
STARDUST
October 11 2008, home living room, DVD, from library
I, er, really didn't like this movie.
I know! It's got everything I love - adaptation of a work by the dreamy and talented Neil Gaiman, spooky/sparkly production design, Michelle Pfeiffer as a psycho old witch, Robert deNiro as a transvestite airship pirate captain, Ricky Gervais in a fuzzy cowboy hat, plenty of snark, Rupert Everett's swordfighting chops, unexpected ninja moves, Claire Danes, fairytale fun time adventure, cute boys, lots of sumptuous English countryside, an overwhelming girly focus on true love and getting the better of Sienna Miller (that slut).
Problem is, everybody has to have a British accent (except for DeNiro, because he does not roll that way). Certainly both Claire Danes and Michelle Pfeiffer do decent jobs with their fake accents, but it's still as screamingly obvious as bad hair extensions. Oh, did I mention the bad hair extensions? And it's kind of funny, but not consistently. And the moments of genuine funny just make the other moments so much worse in comparison. And Charlie Cox is cute, but he's not THAT cute; he's more like a bulk-bin Orlando Bloom, and reminds me uncomfortably of Nicholas D'Agosto, and that's never good. And my God, his character is as annoyingly clueless and stupid as any I've ever seen; clueless and stupid to the point where it strains credulity and seems more like a plot contrivance to wring some more angst out of the proceedings. And poor Claire Danes. I adore her - I think she's gorgeous and wonderful and fabulous and a genius - but was I high, or did they shave off her eyebrows??? She has to be annoying and clueless, too, because the plot demands it. For God's sake, she's portraying a celestial being; would a touch more elegance have been out of place? And when I think of Claire Danes, I don't think elegance. I think beautiful, superdancer, regular chick. No, no, no. No.
And I actually don't have a problem with Sienna Miller. I think she's quite beautiful and talented, and who cares if she's throwing it around? I would too, if I had legs like that.
I would like to assume that the original book is better than this, but on the other hand, the bloom is off the rose with me and Neil Gaiman. And that breaks my heart; I used to consider him one of the finest writers alive. I still think that he is; or that he can be. I just need to see more of it. This, and MIRRORMASK, do not speak well of his screenwriting/producing. MIRRORMASK was terrible in so many of the same ways that this was terrible. And yet really beautiful, in the way that this film was also really funny. Intermittently.
Look, I know I am not this film's target audience; I guess. Even though I totally AM this film's target audience. If I was eight years old, and had never seen THE PRINCESS BRIDE, or STARMAN for fuck's sake, I'd probably think this was excellent. OK. I give it that. But still, a big part of me is still eight years old, and it didn't even hit those buttons. (Not even the unicorn.) IMDb suggests that fans of this film may also like WILLOW. Yes, probably. I am not a total curmudgeon; I can still be deeply moved by movies, even silly, sweet, romantic fairy-tale ones. I just demand beauty and consistency and complexity; is that too much to ask?
A painful disappointment that went on for way too long. I couldn't rip it out of the player fast enough.
October 11 2008, home living room, DVD, from library
I, er, really didn't like this movie.
I know! It's got everything I love - adaptation of a work by the dreamy and talented Neil Gaiman, spooky/sparkly production design, Michelle Pfeiffer as a psycho old witch, Robert deNiro as a transvestite airship pirate captain, Ricky Gervais in a fuzzy cowboy hat, plenty of snark, Rupert Everett's swordfighting chops, unexpected ninja moves, Claire Danes, fairytale fun time adventure, cute boys, lots of sumptuous English countryside, an overwhelming girly focus on true love and getting the better of Sienna Miller (that slut).
Problem is, everybody has to have a British accent (except for DeNiro, because he does not roll that way). Certainly both Claire Danes and Michelle Pfeiffer do decent jobs with their fake accents, but it's still as screamingly obvious as bad hair extensions. Oh, did I mention the bad hair extensions? And it's kind of funny, but not consistently. And the moments of genuine funny just make the other moments so much worse in comparison. And Charlie Cox is cute, but he's not THAT cute; he's more like a bulk-bin Orlando Bloom, and reminds me uncomfortably of Nicholas D'Agosto, and that's never good. And my God, his character is as annoyingly clueless and stupid as any I've ever seen; clueless and stupid to the point where it strains credulity and seems more like a plot contrivance to wring some more angst out of the proceedings. And poor Claire Danes. I adore her - I think she's gorgeous and wonderful and fabulous and a genius - but was I high, or did they shave off her eyebrows??? She has to be annoying and clueless, too, because the plot demands it. For God's sake, she's portraying a celestial being; would a touch more elegance have been out of place? And when I think of Claire Danes, I don't think elegance. I think beautiful, superdancer, regular chick. No, no, no. No.
And I actually don't have a problem with Sienna Miller. I think she's quite beautiful and talented, and who cares if she's throwing it around? I would too, if I had legs like that.
I would like to assume that the original book is better than this, but on the other hand, the bloom is off the rose with me and Neil Gaiman. And that breaks my heart; I used to consider him one of the finest writers alive. I still think that he is; or that he can be. I just need to see more of it. This, and MIRRORMASK, do not speak well of his screenwriting/producing. MIRRORMASK was terrible in so many of the same ways that this was terrible. And yet really beautiful, in the way that this film was also really funny. Intermittently.
Look, I know I am not this film's target audience; I guess. Even though I totally AM this film's target audience. If I was eight years old, and had never seen THE PRINCESS BRIDE, or STARMAN for fuck's sake, I'd probably think this was excellent. OK. I give it that. But still, a big part of me is still eight years old, and it didn't even hit those buttons. (Not even the unicorn.) IMDb suggests that fans of this film may also like WILLOW. Yes, probably. I am not a total curmudgeon; I can still be deeply moved by movies, even silly, sweet, romantic fairy-tale ones. I just demand beauty and consistency and complexity; is that too much to ask?
A painful disappointment that went on for way too long. I couldn't rip it out of the player fast enough.