TWO WAYS
Title: TWO WAYS
Pairing: GTOP / GRI
Authors: jemnise andoxygenlove
Rating: R
Summary: An innocent little comment at SOLO turned into a back and forth instant collab fic of who gets to keep Jiyong.
two ways.
1.
"Hyung, hyung! Augh Hyung!"
You hear your heart breaking as the moans inside the room gets louder, louder and damn, why are you so stupid? Why are you even listening to this fuck-
Like you do everynight, like you stupidly do everynight, you camp yourself outside their room, listenin to them, wishing, waiting, Jiyong hyung will come out and see you, see your crying face, see your broken self, see you're sorry and yes, you love him. YES FUCK YES YOU'RE READY TO ADMIT IT NOW!! So please come back ..
You smile a bitter smile. Because it's nearing the end, their pants getting louder, your heart breaking faster. Damn damn damn.
You wait. And wait. And like all the other nights nothing happens. You're just there, outside... dying from bleeding so much.
And you remember the kiss that Jiyong hyung and you two shared so long time ago (when you pushed him and told him to stay the fuck away from you). That kiss... never really mattered to him. Maybe. Because the fuck he's getting now is way better than a chaste kiss like that sweet sweet one time long long time ago and-
"Hyung? Hyung?" But nothing.
Good going, Seungri.
2.
The kid knocked and knocked hoping that Ji would open it for him, thinking that everything mattered.
That the kiss did matter.
Nothing did matter. He won this game, Choi Seung Hyun won Ji's heart by just staying beside him through those times that he felt that the world turned its back on him. The day when his warmth was reciprocated with coldness. The day when he became invisible for SeungRi. The day when he wasn't the hyung the kid runs to when he needs some comfort. The day when he knew that he and his feelings didn't actually matter.
Seung Hyun was there when the kid walked out quietly from Jiyong's life.
3.
You go out, flag a cab and freaking shout To the nearest club!.
The lights were dim. You smile as people recognize you, as people gasp What's Seungri doing here? Damn hell, you're now legal and you can fucking go to clubs and get drunk and pick up on gir- Kwon Jiyong.
One, three, and a half bottles of soju.
You don't really drink but the moans, those hellish moans are egging you on. Making you so weak. Making you loosen up, throw away sanity and thoughts and-
You take out your handphone and unconsciously text a message, press send.
-----------------------------------------------
"We should clean u-"
*brrrr brrr brrr*
Your phone vibrates. You look at the screen. Seungri.
"Hyung. I need you, hyung. I fucking need you right now."
You stand up, pass Seunghyun hyung who's going inside the bathroom for a shower, push him aside and zips through for a quick wash. Erasing any traces, dirty traces on your body.
He needs you now.
And it doesn't really matter as you put on any clothes you can get your hands on, as Seunghyun hyung looks at you, his face bewildered, pained, but understanding. It doesn't matter if he's hurt you, if he's broken you, if he freaking ignores you again after this, just hell, he needs you now.
You run outside, flags a taxi and call him, asking where he is. He doesn't know. He slurs the words and laughs Hyung, did you and Seunghyun hyung have fun?
"Fuck, Ri! Where are you?"
4.
He takes out his long kept menthol sticks from his drawer and walks quietly to the rooftop. Finding a place for refuge was easy for the group's hyung. But finding peace inside his heart is the hardest thing ever. that's why he relies on some bottle of soju and once in a while, cancer sticks.
He lights one, puffed a long one as he let the smoke lingered in his chest for some time and then let it out. As he did, he got his phone, not because it bears any message but because he just want to remind himself that he has him.
he has Kwon Ji Yong.
He stared at the wallpaper that the younger himself took and applied as the design of the hyung's phone. He hated the idea, but his lover did, so why argue? Just when he's about to close it and return it to his pocket, he had the certain urge to call him, or maybe even send him a message. But he thought, he's with SeungRi, no doubt with that. he's with the same man who hurt him, who tore him into pieces. He shook his head and gave out a smile, a smile that tries to fool himself that it's ok.
That it's ok for him to be with SeungRi as long as he goes back to him.
That it's ok if they do what they were doing as long as he stays with him.
No it isn't ok. he thought.
He got his phone, was about to type in a message when it blinked, signaling that someone's calling.
JI.
he doesn't know why, but he was afraid to answer the call. he was afraid of the words that would come out of his lover's lips. he's afraid that after everything, he would dump him for the kid who knows nothing but to break his heart.
he answered it nonetheless, as the breeze sent chill down his spine.
"hyung..." was ji's first words, not a good one.
"I love you Ji" was the only answer he could give before tears flooded his eyes, agony drowned his entirety.
5.
The bar tender in the club told you the place’s name and address because Seungri’s too drunk to really mumble any other words other than “Hyung... I need you.” Maybe it’s a stroke of dumb luck (but your heart’s screaming it’s destiny). He’s in the nearest club, the most decent one in this side of town. Please please please let him be okay. Just a couple more minutes. Please.
Pay, dash, run, look for the lost boy who needs you.
You find him, slumped on the counter, eyes open and glazed, silent tears pouring down his tired face. He rarely cries, he always keeps his emotions in check, he always controls them, always try to supress them. How do you know? He told you, that’s how. He told you that one night (so long long time ago) that he can’t need you, that he can’t love you, that he can’t-
“Hyung! You came!” He looks up at you, eyes smiling despite the tears, hands suddenly wiping his face, trying his hardest to stop his weakness from showing.
“Of course, Ri, I came. I always come.” You pay for the bottles of soju (which are too expensive because they’re bought at a club), assist, drag the younger boy outside, careful not to trip, careful not to fall, careful not to let go of your source of oxygen (who needs you right now)
“Call him.” He suddenly says after getting inside a cab, maybe feeling a lot better now that he’s escaped the loud club athmosphere. You look at him, bewildered.
“Call Seunghyun hyung?” He nods.
“He’s worried about you.”
“For someone so drunk, you do sober up really fast.” You say as your hand reaches inside your pocket, taking your handphone out, pressing speed dial number 4 (Seungri’s 3, Mom’s 2, Dad’s 1).
“Hyung, who told you I’m sober already? I’m still drunk.” And as if to prove his point he pushes you against your window, leaning over you, grabing the back of your neck, crushing his lips against yours (hard), sliping his tounge inside your surprised mouth.
*ring ring ring*
He breaks the kiss suddenly but does not move away, looks at you as you put your handphone to your ear, looks at you as you say...
“Hyung...”
“I love you, Ji.” Oh.
“H-hyung! Hyung, we- we’re on our way back home. Ri, Ri’s really really drunk as hell, he’s- he;s-” He’s kissing along my jawline, trailing kisses down my neck. “-uh, he’s drunk. Yeah.”
“Ji...” Is he crying?
“Hyung... I’m- I’m really really sorry, okay? Hyung, really-” He’s nibbling the sensitive skin on my collarbone, Hyung, he’s licking his way up my ear. “-really sorry.”
“I love you, Ji.” Damn.
“Hyung, I love y-” He’s whispering, panting the words to my ears,”Jiyong hyung, I love you more and more and more.” “-you too.”
“Ji, come back home now. Come back to me now.” I can’t.
“Sure, hyung. I’ll-” He’s still whispering to my hears, Seunghyun hyung, he’s pleading, ”Hyung, don’t come back. Don’t go back to him. Stay with me. I need you.” “-I’ll talk to you when we come back.”
“Okay.” Okay?
You end the phone call and in a flash Seungri moves back to his side of the cab, looking outside his window like nothing happened.
The fuck? How does he do that to you? Confuse you? Make you succumb to him? Reduce you to a helpless little piece of-? And then abandon you, just like that? What is this to him? A fucking game? What are you to him? A fucking toy-?
He suddenly reaches over and covers your hand with his, intertwines his fingers with yours, the pad of his thumb massaging the small patch of your skin it can reach. He’s still looking out he window and your heart’s still pounding, your mind’s still whirling, your lips, jaw, ears still tingling.
“Hyung, I’m serious. Don’t go back to him. Stay with me. I love you.”
6.
He had enough. Twice that he said he loves him and he doesn't even know if the time that Ji said he loves him too is really meant for him. He took another cancer stick from the box, fumbling in his pocket for the lighter however, frustration came over him that all he did was to damn throw the stick and cried. Cried his heart out.
He feels fear, he feels anxiety, he feels death, if that was even fathomable.
He sat down on the cold ground, trying to think of the next thing he would do. Would he just walk away before they come? Should he leave now so he wouldn't see his lover with the kid? God knows what will they be doing after they step inside the apartment and into the kid's room, or worse, ji's room? On the same bed that they share.
The same bed where I fucked him always in the way he wanted. he thought.
a smile crept on his face as the thought of the naked jiyong lying beside him, the younger's left hand is carefully placed
on his chest, specifically where his heart is.
He stood up and just thought of the most brilliant idea he could think of, go back home and pretend to be sleeping.
He rushed downstairs thinking that they might arrive any time, he doesn't want to see him right? But the moment he reached for the knob,twist it slowly, letting the cold air come in, he heard voices. Faint sounds which made out something like;
"Don't go back... I love you..."
He froze. He wanted to run back and just shut the door close. His heart started pounding, nerves on his temple throbbing. He wanted to pick up something and throw it, or just smash anything. He's angry but he doesn't know why. He's frustrated, he's soaked and he doesn't know why.
Oh. he thought. Jiyong.
He took a deep breath as he finally pull the door open, walked quietly back in as if nothing happened.
Too bad his room is at the far end of the hallway, after the living room. he just had to see the kid lying dead like on the floor as Ji tries to take off his shirt, and tries to clean him up. He paused and forced his face to make out a worried look. which he was, but he isn't anymore
"Is he okay?" he asked. Ji didn't even look at him, he just uttered yes but his eyes are fixed on the kid's face.
"Do you need any help?" he asked again. This time, he didn't wait for an answer, he got the little tub with cold water placed beside Ji as he went to the kitchen and threw the water away.
"it should be luke warm Ji, the water's freezing. You use this when you want to wake him up. You don't want to wake him up anymore right?" he said sounding cool with everything but he almost ate his words. his voice cracked when he was talking about him, about the guy who bears the same name with him. Of all people.
he walked back with the tub, luke warm water on it, and some meds on his other hand. He placed both if it beside Ji, avoiding any contact. He doesn't even want to hold his hand for he might just pull him away and lock him, and never let him go.
"Some meds. Should I keep my door open or you'll stay with him for the night?"
it was a make or break question. A question that if Ji said Yes, they are still together, if he said No, then that was it. But he wondered, if Ji says Yes, he might say no the next day. If he said no, he would still leave it open anyways. Whatever, same vicious cycle. A cycle called Killing Choi Seung Hyun.
Instead of an answer, Ji stood up and held his hands. hands which had been trembling since Ji walked out on him, heart which had been troubled since they had been together.
"Thanks hyung" Ji muttered almost whispering. And then he wrapped his arms around his hyung, making the older's eyes tear up once again. The anxiety kills him, and the embrace is killing him more. "Can you help me with him and then we'll sleep together?"
7.
You know how sometimes life isn't correct? Sometimes it's wrong. Like right now. You're in bed with Choi Seunghyun but all you really wanna do is get the hell out of here and freaking hold Lee Seunghyun all night long, mend his broken self and piece the two of you together.
He broke you. You broke him. How pathetic. How stupid.
"Hyung, I'm sorry about earlier." You softly say, afraid he'd hear the longing to run out from here and into Seungri's room.
"It's okay, Ji. You were just worried about him."
"I'm in love with him."
"No, you love me."
"I'm in love with him."
"Ji-"
"Hyung, let's just go to sleep."
------------------------------------------
"Where the fuck is Ri?" You demand the next morning but nobody knows. "Dae, when you woke up.."
"He's already gone."
"Bae, how about you, did you see him? Maybe..."
"Sorry, Jiyongah. I didn't. Don't worry. He's probably just-"
"He probably isn't."
-------------------------------
Where the hell is he? He's already gone for the whole day, not texting, not calling. His phone's off. He didn't tell anybody he'd be gone. Where he'd gone.
"Hyung! Look-" You snatch the paper Dae's holding. It's folded in half, a piece of paper from your lyrics notebook.
Hyung,
Finally, after realising all my wrongs and trying to right them, I fail. I know I could never compete with Seunghyun hyung but still I tried last night. I tried really hard but I guess i'll never be good enough. Sorry for being such a bother, for
all the pain I've caused you before (the pain I'm feeling now is payment enough) and please tell 'thank you' to Seunghyun hyung, for giving you the things I want to give but lost the chance to.
- Seunghyun Seungri.
PS: I'm sorry about last night. Sorry for calling you out like that and having had to deal with a drunk kid. Really sorry, hyung. It will be first and last time. Honest.
What. The. Damn. Hell. Fuck. Last?
-------------------------------------
He went back to Gwangju, asked permission from the CEO for a quick visit. He made up a really lame excuse but he begged and he was granted permission.
Ri.
-------------------------------------
"I'm going after him." You tell Seunghyun hyung that evening. He's smoking again. And you dislike that.
"Just wait for him here. He'll come back."
"I'm going after him."
"Ji, stop being stubborn." He steps closer, try to hug you but it feels different now and you step away.
"Hyung."
"Ji! Wake up! Just because of one stupid letter, one stupid night, one stupid drunken night, you become like this?"
"Hyung."
"How long have you waited, Ji? How long has he made you wait? How many times has he hurt you during those waiting? How many fucking times have I been there for you? Saved you? Love you?"
"Long. Very long. Many times. Hundreds of times. Thousands. Millions."
"Then there. Stay with me. Don't leave me."
"But you know what hyung? I was just really impatient. I thought, I thought I was waiting for him to love me back. I thought he's taking too long, I thought he'll never come around but damn. I just realised now that it wasn't like that."
"Then what is it like, Ji? Tell me what is it like? Is it that important that you'd give up us?"
"Oh, I'll tell you hyung. When I thought I was the one waiting for him, he was actually waiting for himself as well. He's been waiting for himself to admit he needs me too, loves me too, wants me too. He's been waiting and I gave up on him but he didn't give up on himself. H waited for himself to realise, waited waited waited while he sees you and me, hears you and me. He's been hurting as much as I have been hurting, maybe even more."
"So what? It's all over now. We-"
"Stop saying we! It was never us, never we, it was always just you and me, me and you. But never us. Never we."
"Ji..."
"Hyung, I'm not leaving him now that he's finally realised. I'm not leaving him. I'm coming after him." You turn around, your heart feeling light, finally light.
"You're leaving me then?"
"Yes."
8.
Words lingered in his brain, in his heart. In that moment everything aches, every tiny part of his body, even the parts he doesn't know existed aches. He sits down on his bed as he stares at the closet which has nothing to do with anything that is happening to him, or to Ji. Or to even SeungRi. No. Seunghyun.
Was just like that, Kwon Ji Yong leaves him hanging. To go back to the person who left him, who tore him to bits and pieces. Just like that, just because of a simple fucking letter he goes off to Gwangju to come after the other SeungHyun. Just like that, Jiyong threw everything away, everything that they've gone through. He must be really mad at SeungHyun that he said it was never them. the thought crushes SeungHyun, makes him tear up, but with no sound. He's silently screaming as he locked himself in that same room that they once shared.
He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't want to see anybody. He found no need for social interaction. He stayed where he was when ji left, trying to think of the next thing he must do. Knocks had been reverberating in his room but he never answered. He can clearly hear DaeSung and YoungBae talking outside his room, but he never cared. he hear words but he doesn't seem to understand. He understands nothing that time. One thing is clear, Jiyong will be back with SeungRi and he's gone in the picture.
Again. the relationship he fought for, the man he loved unconditionally was now back to the arms of Lee Seung Hyun.
SeungHyun. he's younger, way better in dancing, can sing, and even though he broke Jiyong's heart,maybe this time he wouldn't leave the guy. SeungHyun thought about it. Thought about leaving and finally giving up. That the circumstance leads nowhere but to him raising the white flag, defeat.
As much as he wanted to move on, go on pushing himself to ji, nothing matters now. From Ji's words, he's damn fixed on going back to the old flame that he once had.
it was never us.
"Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know? Like this" He tore the papers that was in his vault, papers that is more than his life, papers that made him who is.
Contracts.
He took all the clothes the he has, clothes that Ji never wore which is practically half of his wardrobe. He stuffed in all inside his huge suitcase with all the things he own in that room. leaving the mess he created, he went out of the room only to be stopped by the two other members who had been worried sick since Jiyong's immediate departure.
"hyung, no please. let's wait for JiYong to..." it was late. Late for everything. he should have known this would come. he should have known that everything would just result to this.
He faked a smile and said; "I'm leaving guys. Oh and sorry, the mess in the room... that's the last thing you have to clean up which is from me" he tapped both of their backs as he walks out the door of their apartment and walks out of their lives.
tears fall down from his eyes like rain does during a storm. The moment the sunshine hits his skin, he puts on his shades so people won't swoon over Choi Seung Hyun's departure from their apartment, from kwon Ji yong, from Big Bang's life.
Ring Ring
without looking at his phone, he picked it up saying with his fake happy voice;
"Yobuseo Seung..." but the voice on the other line once again did it, to shake his principles and decisions.
"Hyung..." that word was enough for him to let go of his suitcase and for him to take off his shades.
he gulped and replied; "I'm leaving"
"SeungRi's not here" was the only thing Ji said, he didn't even care about the thing his hyung told him.
"Well then, goodluck Ji. I hope you find him. Because i'll make sure..." he took in his sobs and continued; "If you don't find him, you have YoungBae and DaeSung to go home to." As if reality came rushing in jiyong's mind, he answered, his voice almost yelling;
"What do you mean you're leaving?"
"Goodluck Ji" he then pressed cancel without even giving a proper reply to the man on the other line.
SeungHyun doesn't want to be mean, he doesn't want to be the person he is now. he doesn't want to be the person that Ji couldn't run to when he's in trouble. he doesn't want to be the person who turns his back on Ji like the other Seunghyun did. But this time he has to.
he put back the shades, his tears continue pouring as he kept his ringing phone in his pocket, totally ignoring whoever that was calling.
He waited for the car to come and as soon as it did, this figure appeared across the street, holding a phone to his ear and glaring at him. he wanted to just ignore the boy, but his eyes did the talking that lured him. He threw his suitcase in the car as he told the driver to come back after half an hour as he needs to talk to someone immediately.
The moment that SeungHyun steps in the boy's private space, the skinny boy with those dark circles looked at him pleading as he said; "I give up, I don't think I can be with him hyung."
9.
"I give up." You say. You hear the quiver in your voice, hear yourself just give up and hear the doubt in your voice. Maybe you should have just really gone home (Gwangju is home). This place, Bigbang's place, it doesn't feel like home anymore.
"I also give up." He tells you and your face looks lost for a moment until the older Seunghyun shakes your shoulders lightly. "Ri, I give up."
"We're both giving up?" You ask, your voice so small, for the first time he's met Lee Seunghyun (with the overflowing confidence) you let your hyung hear yourself so unsure now.
"No, stupid. I'm giving up, you aren't." He laughs at you a little, like you dont understand but really, you don't.
Why the hell is he giving up? You're the one who should be giving up here, not this man here, not this man who makes the one you love scream in pleasure every night, not this man here who catches the one you love everytime you push him , not this man here who mends the broken man you hurt everytime you ignore him.
Not this man here who has done nothing but give love to Jiyong hyung while all you've given him are hurt and tears.
"Hyung, I don't und-"
"Last night? You don't understand because you thought he chose me over you? Because he slept in our room with me and left you in yours after cleaning you up? Is that it? Is that what this 'running away back to Gwangju' is all about?" He asks and try to keep his voice steady, try so hard but still fail as you hear cracks here and there.
"Yes, hyung. I thought-" You nod your head, that's exactly what you thought. Last night, you tried your hardest, tried your hardest to make Jiyong hyung yours again, to catch his fallen heart that you've previously thrown out the window and you thought you succeeded, when you kissed him you thought you did but when you wake up he isn't there. He's back where you left him. In Choi Seunghyun's arms. And it hurt, hurt so fucking much and you were suffocating and dying and-
"You really are an A-bloodtype. You beat yourself up from the inside, just like him, just like Ji." He takes a deep sigh. "Last night when he was with me, he told me he's in love with you."
"But he loves you." You counter because you can't believe your ears. He went to bed last night to Seunghyun hyung to tell the older that he's in love with you?
"Yes, maybe. But to tell you the truth, I think I never really had a hold of his heart. While he's with me, everytime he's with me, I can feel him so far away, like he's with you, like he's heart is stil with you." He smiles a bitter smile and you think you're going to cry again but no, you're not like that, you're strong.
"Hyung, I didn't kno-"
"You wouldn't. He's a good actor, that kid. But I can see it, feel it. And now I'm giving up because..." He looks up at the sky and you hear the cab's honk. It's back. "... because you two really are for each other. I was just a safety zone for Ji."
"Hyung, you aren't! Jiyong hyung cares about you too! He-"
"What the fuck, Ri? Are we shuffling Ji back and forth now? Ji's not a fucking toy, kid. He's-"
"-my everything. Hyung, Jiyong hyung's my everything." You complete for him and he laughs, signaling the cab driver to wait.
"He's mine too." He tells you and he grabs his suitcase again, starts to walk towards the waiting cab.
"Then why are you leaving? If he's your everything then why are you leaving, hyung?" You ask him because this can't be happening. Seunghyun hyung is not going to leave. He can't. This isn't right.
"Because of you and Ji."
Silence settles as one, two, three, four, five, ten seconds pass. You look at his suitcase, look at the man infront of you, look at his bleeding heart and how you've stabbed it.
"He's in Gwangju. He came after you." He tells you silently, and he smiles. A smile like he's tired of this tug-of-war.
"He did? Stupid Jiyong hyung." You mumble and he opens the cab's door.
"I'm leaving."
"Hyung, you'll come back."
"Take care of Ji."
""Hyung, you'll come back."
"If you hurt him one more time I'll kill you."
"You'll have to come back for that."
"Don't make me."
"Hyung..." And he slams the door shut and you watch as the cab disappears into the traffic.
You take out your phone that you've finally turned back on and press speed dial number 3 (Dad's 2, Mom's 1).
*ring ring ring*
"Fuck, Ri, Where are you!!!???" Panic in his voice. Jiyong hyung's been so worried about you.
"I'm home."
10.
He's home, anytime soon ji would arrive and be with him.
End of the story.
And they live happily ever after, the line that made SeungHyun chuckled as he finally realized that he was in a cab when he was supposedly to be picked up by his car in front of their apartment. He told the driver to go back and be in the car that he's supposed to be in.
The moment he paid the bill, he jumped off and hurriedly went in the car that had been waiting for him. he said just half an hour but he ended up circling the area, a thing that he had mastered when he fell in Kwon Ji yong's trap.
It was something unexplainable, a feeling unbearable. He's dying because Ji is his everything however he wanted to be happy for he knows his love would be happy. His love would be finally with the man he is much devoted to. He is back in the arms that, he hopes, will hold on him forever. And he found himself crying again, he found himself in the pitch blackhole that has nothing but sorrow and regret. If it weren't for that damn word he wouldn't be hurting right now. he wouldn't be feeling that way, as if he was stabbed with thousand knives, shot with millions of bullet.
When someone just left.
Someone left and will never come back. it's worse than dying.
it's worse than being buried six feet under where worms and organisms eat up your flesh. it's worse than than being hung.
It's worse than anything else, because those things, after few seconds or minutes or agony, the death comes quickly.
In leaving, it's like taking your nails off one by one. Like scraping off your skin in different parts with seconds of interval,like amputating your one leg and leaving it open just as is.
Choi Seung Hyun, graduate of BS Loving Kwon JiYong, Masters in Torturing Himself.
it's more than suicide. Suicide is killing oneself. he wasn't killing himself, he was torturing himself for the love that wasn't even reciprocated rightly, a one sided love, many calls it.
-------
Calls left unanswered, knocks were unheard. He was back at being the kid who sulks in his room brimming with insecurities. He went back to the kid who sees and talks nobody but his mom, his sister and sometimes his dad. he went back to the kid who knows nothing but to stay at home and reminisce the days that once passed by his life.
Choi Seung Hyun's life was nothing near to TOP's, and he's dying everyday.
Not because of the limelight that is focused on a new rapper now, the light that he once owned. Not because of the fact that everybody's moving on while he's there stuck in the past and can't seem to move on. Not because of the fact that the fanservice GRI is giving to the fans is not fanservice at all, but reality.
But because of the fact that Ji never even tried to call him. Because of the painful fact that even when the whole world called him, even when the rest of the world tugs his sleeve to come back he doesn't want to for only one voice can pull him back.
Only one voice remains his fortress, only one voice can whisper to his ear that everything's alright and it will be.
It isn't magic, it's just... fucking love.
"hyung..." the voice wasn't Ji's. But someone familiar, someone oddly familiar that he wanted to turn the volume up of his stereo, but he didn't.
He just don't know the exact reason why.
"hyung... we're falling apart" If this kid thinks that his stints would do the trick, he's wrong. In case he forgot, they are both actors, well he was.
"Hyung..." the kid's voice cracked; "How sure were you that Jiyong hyung chose me?" Is this kid fucking serious?
Just like that, he left his hyung hanging. He left Choi Seung Hyun thinking. What is happening? They look happy, they look fucking happy he wanted to shoot himself and just die. They look so damn happy he's expecting them to marry soon. They look so fucking happy he started thinking of those nights he spent with Jiyong, and thought; He's fucking him better
But after the kid's voice entered his little world, after the thoughts invaded his sanity smacking some sense with him, he thought, maybe once again this kid wants to leave Jiyong in the gutter for the nth time.
But he shouldn't care right? He's no longer the SeungHyun that JiYong can run to after being dumped. He's not the same SeungHyun jiYong can fuck when Ri's not around. He's no longer the Seunghyun that gives in easily with just one word from those lips he once owned.
No, he never owned anything.
There was no US
His phone ringing, he just stared at it waiting for it to die down. Too bad, whoever's on the line is one damn persistent kid who doesn't know the meaning of NOT ANSWERING THE FUCKING CALL. He picked it up, opened it just to take the batteries off and just threw it on his bed.
That time, his room phone rang, once again ignored it as he tried to drown his thoughts on what SeungRi just said, no, JiYong's SeungHyun just said.
"YAA! You shouldn't be doing this!" the answering machine was like a broken record that irritates the contemplating SeungHyun. He once again tried to close his eyes and doze off, but the voice didn't vanish.
"You think you could do this? IGNORE everything? everybody? Do you know how much they miss you?" the emphasis on the word they was very obvious, and that's where he knew this wasn't the other SeungHyun or some other
person who calls him everyday to ask how the fuck is he doing. He sat up straight and waited for the next words that the machine will throw at him.
"I'm the leader and you're my responsibility. You went away, we got a ne... new one to fill your space." the man on the line coughed and continued; "Hyung..." his voice shifted from the scolding Kwon to the soft Kwon who never failed to make Seung Hyun's knees to turn jelly.
"Hyung..." he cried out. "Hyung things aren't the same." he paused for what seemed to be eternity and then said; "Can I still call you hyung? Can I go to you now? Can I run to you for refuge? Because..." he paused again. This time to take a deep breath and said; "I'm broke. More wrecked than that time... SeungRi left."
SeungHyun gasped, trying to hold back the tears that is already pouring down his cheeks. This wasn't the Ji he left, this wasn't the Ji he knew.
"Hyung... can you hear me? I'm broke. Again. It's not because of Lee, but...because" for the last time he paused and said; "Hyung, complete me, will you?"
He stares at the machine which had been glaring back at him as if telling him that he should go out and be with him.
He's broke and he's the missing piece in the puzzle of Kwon Ji yong's life.
And the lyrics of the song suddenly played in Choi Seung Hyun's mind, a song that he wished Jiyong would sing.
At the end you will find a road leading back to me.
tr><
11.
a) G - Ri ENDING
But the road is fucking closed.
It's fucking closed and it won't open ever again. So you create a side-rode to let him pass, a little way for him to come back, please just come back. To please just go back to the way things were. To please go back to Bigbang and be complete again.
So you lie.
It's easy to ignore people you don't care about, it's easy to pretend you don't care about the people you care about. But you know Choi Seunghyun more than cares about you and that just one little lie, just one little lie will lead him back to your little group of friends and the life he left.
"SeungRi left."
You know one easy line will make him come back, you hope it will make him come back. You look at the kid sprawled on your bed, in his boxers looking heavenly, reading some random fashion magazine you bought yesterday. You walk towards him and lay down, resting your head near his.
"Hyung, do you think he'll come back?" He asks you, the guilt that never ever left his voice stronger than ever. He's been beating himself up secretly, beating himself up inside. He thrashes against your tight embrace at nights when it's cold, he dreams of drowning, of falling and he says it's all his fault. It's all his fault Choi Seunghyun left and made Bigbang like this.
You disagree.
Because it's your fault. Not his. It's your stupid greed and selfishness that made things like this. If only you waited, if only you waited for Seungri (the boy who's staring at you right now, his fingers lazily tracing patterns on patches of your skin). If only you didn't give up on waiting, if only you didn't let go that easily, then none of this bullshit would have happened. Then you and Ri would have eventually just ended up together, and hyung, Seunghyun hyung would have just faded from his heart the infatuation he has for you because you didn't give him false hope of promised 'love' and make-believe 'us'.
But you did.
And now all of these are happening. Damn you, Jiyong. Damn you, Kwon Jiyong. Damn your A-blood types and how you just like to torture yourself. Ji and Ri, the A-blood type couple.
"He'll come back."
-------------------------------------
"So this is how important I am to you?" You shout at the man you've all been waiting for, shout at Choi Seunghyun and his suitcase at the doorway. "It takes you freaking 15 days to come here and complete me?"
"Ji..."
"Hyung, you're fucked up." You turn your back on him, seriously hurt but not bleding. No, not bleding, just hurting and-
"You lied." He says matter-of-factly as he is probably looking at Suengri, Seungri who is standing beside you when he barged inside the apartment, wearing your clothes, your shirt, your boxers. "He didn't leave."
"You're right hyung, he didn't leave." A sudden strong hit of realization punching you in the face.
"You fucking lied to get me back here, Ji? What am I-"
"You're right. Suengri didn't leave." You feel your heart expanding and beating so fast. "You say you love me, hyung? You say I'm your everything? Tell me sweet sweet words, hyung?"
"Ji~" His voice becoming suddenly soft.
"Then why did you fucking leave? If you really love me then you wouldn't have left. You wouldn't have broken everything else just because you're broken. You should have stayed here and stayed here and tried to resurface back up your own little pond of sorrow." You turn back around to face him now and you see his bewildered face, hard as stone and you remember the many times you've kissed his eyelids, kissed his lips and they feel so wrong now.
"Ji, what the hell are you-"
"Seunghyun hyung." Seungri suddenly steps forward, the fire that you love so much burning in his eyes right now as he stands face to face with the man 3 years older than him. He doesn't look young at all. He looks strong and mature and he's damn as hell all yours.
"Stay the fuck out of this, Ri." Seunghyun hyung growls and continue to stare at you, ignoring the boy who's determined to say something.
"See, hyung? Seunghyun hyung, that's one of the many reasons why I am almost certain now that you never really loved Jiyong hyung." The younger boy says confidently, like he's watched this on t.v. millions of times before. "This attitude of not caring what other people have to say about the situation, about the relationships involved, and coming here 15 days after Jiyong hyung's plea for help, and of course, leaving."
"So what? What if I left? Why? I can't drown in my sorrows alone? I can't go-"
"You can and also you could have not but the choice you made... are you sure Jiyong hyung is really your everything?"
"He's my everything! I fucking left because I fucking gave up. I've alwasy been there for him, always loved him unconditionally, always stayed by him no matter what but what? He leaves me for you who has done nothing but make him run to me for comfort." He points to himself, his eyes flashing, dangerously flashing.
"But still you shouldn-"
"Why? I can't leave because I'm hurt? Because fuck, if I didn't leave what would you have me do? Live in the same house with you two? See you act so close to each other? See you kiss each other? Touch each other? Hear moans coming from your bedroom each night? What? You want me to be here for all of that? Do you want me to fucking die?" His eyes are burning now, inferno. But Seungri steps forward, bringing himself to his full height and matching the burning in the older man's eyes, his eyes are burning stronger and he say:
"But I never left. Not when he came to you after that night I told him that I cannot need him, cannot love him when the truth is that I was just afraid to admit it to myself. I didn't leave when it hurt me so much to see you two kising each other. Hyung, I didn't leave when I stay outside your door, hearing the two of you moan each others' name while I cry myself to sleep on the hallway." The kid you love so much says and you want to hold him so much right now, love him so much right now, Seungri.
"Ri..."
"Hyung, I even didn't leave that time I thought he chose you over me after my drunken episode at that club. I said I was going back to Gwangju because damn it hurt so much to try and make him come back to me but see an empty spot beside me on the bed and know the two of you are together in the other room. But I stayed. I cancelled my trip to Gwangju and didn't leave." Your heart is aching now, hearing all of this for the first time today. Your mind is swimming. He really loves you, really...
"Ri..."
"Do you know why, hyung? Because I'm in love with Jiyong hyung. Because he's my everything and I thought, even if he's not with me, even if he's not mine, even if he's yours and I have to live the rest of my life seeing the two of you together, I'm in
love with him and I would never leave. Because I'm selfish and I need him and I'm not breaking the smallest form of relationship I can share with him. I'm not breaking this dream we've created for so long, I'm not breaking Bigbang just because I lost in love. Because I'm willing to be here and hurt everyday rather than be apart from Jiyong hyung. I love him that fucking much."
"Ri." It was a little bit clumsy but you wrap your arms around his waist, bury your face in the crook of his neck and inhale his scent. "Ri, I love you so much too."
"So you call me here to scold me and make my heart break even more?" Seunhyun hyung's voice cuts through your moment and you step back, lookt him in the eye.
"No, hyung. We lied because we want you back. We want you to come back and be with us again. Hyung, Bigbang needs you, we need you." You tell him, your arm around Seungri's back.
"Bullshit." He says and picks his suitcase up from the floor, turns around and starts to leave.
"Hyung, wait! I thought you said you love me! At least, for me, stay." You try, you try because you feel so damn guilty inside.
"Ji, are you blackmailing me with love? Love! Love of all the damn things in this world?" He asks, his back turned on you.
"Yes, hyung. I am. So please, stay. If you really do love me, come back." You plead, beg. But somehow you have a feeeling it ain't gonna work. SeungriJiyong with Seunghyun isn't gonna work ever again.
"Well, guess what, Ji?" He turns around and looks at you, a small smile on his face. "Hearing Maknae's speech a while ago, I think I never really loved you that much, that deep. Goodbye." He closes the door behind him with a bang!
-----------------------------
It still feels heavy sometimes, but most of the time, when you're with Seungri, Lee Seunghyun (not Choi Seunghyun), Maknae, everything feels so light and fluffy and perfect. And you can mention the past now without really feeling like dying. It's all done, finished and you haven't really moved on and completely forgotten (the disaster that was two Seunghyuns plus one Jiyong) but you've been moving, moving and moving away. And the movement is fluid like water, light like the wind and beautiful like Lee Seunghyun.
"You've never told me I complete you." He tells you one night as you're kissing his collarbone, your hands toying with the rim of his boxers and caressing the soft skin above it.
"What, Ri?" You ask as you kiss your way down his chest, down his stomach, and licks his flesh until you reach his hip bone.
"What you told Seunghyun hyung, remember?. You told him you needed him to complete you. I heard. I know it was all a lie but still. You've never told me." You smile against his skin. ""Hyung, do I complete you?"
"Are you jealous?" You ask, making your way back up to kiss his neck, tongue his ear and whisper. "Are you jealous?"
"Kind- kind of." He mumbles and you chuckle. He's so cute.
"Well, to tell you honestly, you don't complete me." He stiffens and you grin and move to kiss his lips but not before you say the words that you very well know will ease his heart.
"Because there's nothing to complete here. All of me is already yours."
G-Ri END
b) GTOP ENDING
Dear Ji,
I woke up today crying, I woke up crying because of the pain that I'm feeling. The pain that I'm not used to feeling.
The pain that I never thought was even possible. Ji, I gave up because I want you to be happy. Same ol', same ol'
right? But that's reality. I am selfish during one time, and then I became selfless. My mom once said it's normal,
it's normal for people who truly loves. It's normal for people who just loves and never ask for something in return.
It's just normal.
It is, but it wasn't.
It is normal for me to just give up, to just give in, to just take a step back when I need to. It's normal for me not
to speak even when I am dying to do so, just to see your smile. That's what i'm supposed to do right? Be the man that
makes Kwon Ji yong smile everyday of his existence. Be the man that he could run to when the world turn it's back on him.
Be the stronghold that he needed when everything keeps falling apart. I am that, I want to be that.
But Ji, I've been holding onto you so tight, I didn't know that I have the tendencies to falter too. That I am capable
of feeling this pain. For once, I don't want to be the second guy. I don't want to be the guy you go to everytime you
fight with the other. I don't want to be the guy who fucks you when he doesn't want to. I don't want to be the guy to
console you when he makes you cry.
I want to be the guy that makes you smile just because you want to smile. I want that. I want to make you smile not
because you're sad over a lost love, I want to make you smile because you should be smiling. I want to make you feel loved
not because he doesn't give you enough but because you deserved to be loved.
I want to do things because I want to not because Lee Seung Hyun is in the premise. I want to give everything not because
Lee Seung Hyun can't give you those.
Ji, it tore me into pieces when you told me there was no US. Because all the while I thought there was US
and there would be US for the coming days and months and years. But when you said that, I was shot in the heart
and was never able to recuperate.
Because this love that i thought WE shared was all my make believe.
However, Ji, do you know how much I hated myself for being in the room for months? For dettaching myself from the society
for months? For watching your shows and just ends up crying, for months? Of course you don't have the slightest idea.
Because you're too busy with your love. And I want to be happy for you, I really do.
But I just can't.
And now I am writing this letter because you continuously confuse me.
You continuously rip me apart, and then come back to stitch everything back.
What am I to you Ji? Really. I don't want to ask you in person because whatever your answer is, I will just hold you
tight... and never let go. That no matter how much you fight, i will not let go because you're my everything.
You got that kiddo?
Your hyung is crazy for you, he can't even fucking watch porn again.
But he want to straighten things out. He want to make things right.
CHOI
He stared at the letter he had written, stared at it while a smile crept on his face, his heart started beating faster.
Ji read it, he read it and now he's gone. He's off to see him, to meet him in the studio where they spent days and night
doing what they love doing, songs, lyrics that rip hearts off those girls.
But he was still there, there in the room, in the very same room he left months ago. The sole witness to the love he felt
and gave to Ji. He put the letter on the desk as he carefully placed the laptop and some notebooks on it. things will
be ok now he thought.
He looked at his watch and it was time, it was time to meet him.
Clothes in the closet.. Check.
Toiletries. Check.
Songwriting paraphernalia. Check.
Heart. Still Missing.
He got his jacket, his wallet, that pair of shades which Ji bought for him and keys.
When he was on his way out of the apartment, he looked at every corner of it as if it was the last time he would see it,
he tried to remember everything that's in every corner. He tried to even remember where Little SeungHyun keeps his
porn. Everything, from the little piece of book on the table that DaeSung failed to finish, to the plates that YoungBae
placed neatly on the rack, to the CD cases on the shelf which he thought was empty since Ji just loves to get CDs and
just forgets to put them back.
With that, he bade goodbye to home and uttered;
"I'll have my heart back soon"
He didn't really know what those words meant, he just... wanted to say it.
Jumping on a motorbike that his friend lent him, he sped off.
He has time, no need to really speed off. It was the first time really that he had this kind of drive. That he has this
chance to be really on a motorbike and really drive it, and he meant....really drive it. Not for some lame 10 meters
distance or something like that. It was ecstasy actually, he felt he's starting to pick
up the pieces of himself, he can't
even wait to glue it all together.
I hope everything will go as plan he thought as he passed by a store which bears the name Yong, or maybe he's
hallucinating.
He tries to accelerate the speed even for a mminute or two so he would just feel the wind hitting him hard, like knocking
him off. He wished he had done this before, maybe if he did then he would have come to his senses.
Nothing mattered. Nothing really did.
But still, he wanted to do something good. He wanted to do something that is right. Something he should have done
long ago. Not give up, but take a step back and accept reality.
The phone call didn't make him want to go back and run to JiYong's falling self. He didn't want to catch him, he wanted to
prevent him and him to more fall apart. He wanted to save their ailing relationship, he's Batman after all right?
Saving Gotham is his duty.
all the while he thought saving Gotham means saving jiyong. So he tries to save him and then he fell for him. he didn't
realize that Gotham is Ji and Ri. How stupid of him.
After some time of lamentation, some time with that friend who lent him the motorbike saying that it's one of his baby
but now he has to let go because he found his really love. A nice girl he ought to marry. And he wasn't even trying to be
a clown when he said that. when he really was
he's excited and his heart exemplifies it. it's jumping and it's crushing him. It's struggling to get out of his chest
that he's aching.
Aching too much.
he tried to stop but he can't. his reflexes stopped working, his world started spinning fast in front of him.
He tries to shake away that feeling but he can't. He wanted to swerve away from the main road but that seemed impossible.
And then those blinding light enveloped him, as if there were two huge hands who picked him up in the mess he's into.
Blinking light.People Screaming.Blood.
Nothing's in sight anymore.
---
"Ri?" Jiyong went inside the studio only to be surprised by the unexpected person.
"Hyung?" the kid shot back.
"..." silence. The room was suffocating for Jiyong and he knew damn well that Ri is more than awkward with this event too.
"Wh.." Before Ri could finish, YoungBae opened the door, trying to gasp for air as he said;
"SeungH..Se... TOP DAMMIT!" That name made JiYong's heart jumped, as if he knew what is exactly happening. Why SeungRi's
here and everything that follows.
Before he knew it, he was running outside the building, into the company's car, and then running again in the hallways of
the hospital trying to find one person.
Choi Seung Hyun.
He wasn't around. He wasn't anywhere.
"DAMMIT HYUNG!" if it was even possible, he thought his eyes were bleeding from too much tears.
He wandered for minutes and hours but he saw no one. He was in the wrong hospital he knew it. So he moved on to another,
trying to find his beloved hyung.
Still nothing.
He tried calling the other guys but they weren't answering. Frustration started to drown him, pushed him deeper in Hades'
niche. Something was wrong, wasn't right.
Finally, when Ri picked up his phone, Jiyong wanted to say hallelujah.
"Where in the fucking hell is he?"
"hyung..." the kid answered, his voice breaking. "he's home"
How many times did he hear those words from Ri? How many fucking times? But this time, when he said those words, instead
of being happy he was overwhelmed with fear. He was scared to even walk down the car and to their home. He's more than
afraid to open the door and not find SeungHyun there. Choi Seung Hyun.
The moment he stepped in, the stabbing silence made him bled. He walked in the living room where your bestfriend is facing
the window while your dongsaeng covers his face with a familiar stuff toy.
The huge white dog with a huge black spot on his eye, Choi's.
"Hey, where's SeungHyun hyung?" he asked, trying to be cheery.
Nobody answered.
"HEY! WHAT'S WRONG?" still hiding the trembling voice, he failed; "I didn't see him in the hospital"
"Nobody did" A voice came out of Ji's room, for a second he thought it was SeungHyun's, but it wasn't deep and sultry and
not to mention, sexy.
It was from the other SeungHyun. THe SeungHyun he's supposedly in love with.
The kid bears too much weight under his eyes, it's darker than ever. He walked out and handed a piece of note.
"His family didn't want us... even fucking visit" Ri walked past him as he try to decipher what was on that little
note that made and is still making seungri cry.
I'm HOME PEOPLE!
Yaa! You two, lock yourselves in this room and don't come out for a century ayt?
My things are fixed on Ri's old room, which is now my room and Dae's. AYT?
-POWER RAPPER ^^
CHOI SEUNG HYUN, Old member of Big Bang died from a motorcycle accident.
.....
....
...
..
.
he cries and he cries.
he locks himself in that room. This time without SeungHyun beside him. This time with just thoughts of him. This time
the room ain't filled with love or even lust. It's brimming with regrets. it's filled of what if's and should have's.
until that moment, Seunghyun never thought of himself. Until that moment he thought of Jiyong. Until that moment he thought of his everything.
His everything who wants no one but Lee.
His everything who now wants to maybe really lock himself for century until reincarnation bring SeungHyun back. the Choi he loved. the Choi he really want to have. The Choi...
"SeungHyun hyung!" he shouted. "You know I can't hold on to him. He falls before I do." he stuttered, trying his best to
be audible enough, maybe, just maybe he's listening.
"ED means past hyung. I was ready to move forward." and he just stared at the neatly cleaned room of his. His opened closet
where Lee Seung hyun's clothes are carefully placed. His bed where Lee's huge pillow lies side by side with his. His desk
which carries his laptop and Lee's along with the kid's books for school.
Everything seemed so right.
But he wasn't in his room anymore. his room was the room where Choi's clothes are scattered on the floor, his room
was the one where papers are everywhere because the two of them can't decide on the lyrics of the song that they're doing
so they end up just throwing it everywhere and anywhere. his room is where his bed is filled with stuff toys as if a kid
sleeps on that, but in reality, the oldest ones of the group lies there at night, most often that not, fucking.
"Do you hear moans SeungRi? Do you hear it?" he barked at the door where SeungRi's ears are glued on.
GTOP END
AN by jemnise : Next time, i won't even think of putting a GTOP comment in a GRI oneshot. swear. hahaha XD but yea, this GRI shipper is one of the best, if not the best GAAA. oxygenlove, make more SMUT and I might abandon my ship. but yea, that is when I become, forever, a selfish bitch who OWNS CHOI SEUNG HYUN XD GTOP FTW~
An by oxygenlove : DAUM IT'S FINISHED!!!! ROFL. Glad I was able to work with a great GTOP writer likejemnise !!! But nope, I AM NOT ABANDONING MY SHIP. GRI FTW.
Pairing: GTOP / GRI
Authors: jemnise andoxygenlove
Rating: R
Summary: An innocent little comment at SOLO turned into a back and forth instant collab fic of who gets to keep Jiyong.
two ways.
1.
"Hyung, hyung! Augh Hyung!"
You hear your heart breaking as the moans inside the room gets louder, louder and damn, why are you so stupid? Why are you even listening to this fuck-
Like you do everynight, like you stupidly do everynight, you camp yourself outside their room, listenin to them, wishing, waiting, Jiyong hyung will come out and see you, see your crying face, see your broken self, see you're sorry and yes, you love him. YES FUCK YES YOU'RE READY TO ADMIT IT NOW!! So please come back ..
You smile a bitter smile. Because it's nearing the end, their pants getting louder, your heart breaking faster. Damn damn damn.
You wait. And wait. And like all the other nights nothing happens. You're just there, outside... dying from bleeding so much.
And you remember the kiss that Jiyong hyung and you two shared so long time ago (when you pushed him and told him to stay the fuck away from you). That kiss... never really mattered to him. Maybe. Because the fuck he's getting now is way better than a chaste kiss like that sweet sweet one time long long time ago and-
"Hyung? Hyung?" But nothing.
Good going, Seungri.
2.
The kid knocked and knocked hoping that Ji would open it for him, thinking that everything mattered.
That the kiss did matter.
Nothing did matter. He won this game, Choi Seung Hyun won Ji's heart by just staying beside him through those times that he felt that the world turned its back on him. The day when his warmth was reciprocated with coldness. The day when he became invisible for SeungRi. The day when he wasn't the hyung the kid runs to when he needs some comfort. The day when he knew that he and his feelings didn't actually matter.
Seung Hyun was there when the kid walked out quietly from Jiyong's life.
3.
You go out, flag a cab and freaking shout To the nearest club!.
The lights were dim. You smile as people recognize you, as people gasp What's Seungri doing here? Damn hell, you're now legal and you can fucking go to clubs and get drunk and pick up on gir- Kwon Jiyong.
One, three, and a half bottles of soju.
You don't really drink but the moans, those hellish moans are egging you on. Making you so weak. Making you loosen up, throw away sanity and thoughts and-
You take out your handphone and unconsciously text a message, press send.
-----------------------------------------------
"We should clean u-"
*brrrr brrr brrr*
Your phone vibrates. You look at the screen. Seungri.
"Hyung. I need you, hyung. I fucking need you right now."
You stand up, pass Seunghyun hyung who's going inside the bathroom for a shower, push him aside and zips through for a quick wash. Erasing any traces, dirty traces on your body.
He needs you now.
And it doesn't really matter as you put on any clothes you can get your hands on, as Seunghyun hyung looks at you, his face bewildered, pained, but understanding. It doesn't matter if he's hurt you, if he's broken you, if he freaking ignores you again after this, just hell, he needs you now.
You run outside, flags a taxi and call him, asking where he is. He doesn't know. He slurs the words and laughs Hyung, did you and Seunghyun hyung have fun?
"Fuck, Ri! Where are you?"
4.
He takes out his long kept menthol sticks from his drawer and walks quietly to the rooftop. Finding a place for refuge was easy for the group's hyung. But finding peace inside his heart is the hardest thing ever. that's why he relies on some bottle of soju and once in a while, cancer sticks.
He lights one, puffed a long one as he let the smoke lingered in his chest for some time and then let it out. As he did, he got his phone, not because it bears any message but because he just want to remind himself that he has him.
he has Kwon Ji Yong.
He stared at the wallpaper that the younger himself took and applied as the design of the hyung's phone. He hated the idea, but his lover did, so why argue? Just when he's about to close it and return it to his pocket, he had the certain urge to call him, or maybe even send him a message. But he thought, he's with SeungRi, no doubt with that. he's with the same man who hurt him, who tore him into pieces. He shook his head and gave out a smile, a smile that tries to fool himself that it's ok.
That it's ok for him to be with SeungRi as long as he goes back to him.
That it's ok if they do what they were doing as long as he stays with him.
No it isn't ok. he thought.
He got his phone, was about to type in a message when it blinked, signaling that someone's calling.
JI.
he doesn't know why, but he was afraid to answer the call. he was afraid of the words that would come out of his lover's lips. he's afraid that after everything, he would dump him for the kid who knows nothing but to break his heart.
he answered it nonetheless, as the breeze sent chill down his spine.
"hyung..." was ji's first words, not a good one.
"I love you Ji" was the only answer he could give before tears flooded his eyes, agony drowned his entirety.
5.
The bar tender in the club told you the place’s name and address because Seungri’s too drunk to really mumble any other words other than “Hyung... I need you.” Maybe it’s a stroke of dumb luck (but your heart’s screaming it’s destiny). He’s in the nearest club, the most decent one in this side of town. Please please please let him be okay. Just a couple more minutes. Please.
Pay, dash, run, look for the lost boy who needs you.
You find him, slumped on the counter, eyes open and glazed, silent tears pouring down his tired face. He rarely cries, he always keeps his emotions in check, he always controls them, always try to supress them. How do you know? He told you, that’s how. He told you that one night (so long long time ago) that he can’t need you, that he can’t love you, that he can’t-
“Hyung! You came!” He looks up at you, eyes smiling despite the tears, hands suddenly wiping his face, trying his hardest to stop his weakness from showing.
“Of course, Ri, I came. I always come.” You pay for the bottles of soju (which are too expensive because they’re bought at a club), assist, drag the younger boy outside, careful not to trip, careful not to fall, careful not to let go of your source of oxygen (who needs you right now)
“Call him.” He suddenly says after getting inside a cab, maybe feeling a lot better now that he’s escaped the loud club athmosphere. You look at him, bewildered.
“Call Seunghyun hyung?” He nods.
“He’s worried about you.”
“For someone so drunk, you do sober up really fast.” You say as your hand reaches inside your pocket, taking your handphone out, pressing speed dial number 4 (Seungri’s 3, Mom’s 2, Dad’s 1).
“Hyung, who told you I’m sober already? I’m still drunk.” And as if to prove his point he pushes you against your window, leaning over you, grabing the back of your neck, crushing his lips against yours (hard), sliping his tounge inside your surprised mouth.
*ring ring ring*
He breaks the kiss suddenly but does not move away, looks at you as you put your handphone to your ear, looks at you as you say...
“Hyung...”
“I love you, Ji.” Oh.
“H-hyung! Hyung, we- we’re on our way back home. Ri, Ri’s really really drunk as hell, he’s- he;s-” He’s kissing along my jawline, trailing kisses down my neck. “-uh, he’s drunk. Yeah.”
“Ji...” Is he crying?
“Hyung... I’m- I’m really really sorry, okay? Hyung, really-” He’s nibbling the sensitive skin on my collarbone, Hyung, he’s licking his way up my ear. “-really sorry.”
“I love you, Ji.” Damn.
“Hyung, I love y-” He’s whispering, panting the words to my ears,”Jiyong hyung, I love you more and more and more.” “-you too.”
“Ji, come back home now. Come back to me now.” I can’t.
“Sure, hyung. I’ll-” He’s still whispering to my hears, Seunghyun hyung, he’s pleading, ”Hyung, don’t come back. Don’t go back to him. Stay with me. I need you.” “-I’ll talk to you when we come back.”
“Okay.” Okay?
You end the phone call and in a flash Seungri moves back to his side of the cab, looking outside his window like nothing happened.
The fuck? How does he do that to you? Confuse you? Make you succumb to him? Reduce you to a helpless little piece of-? And then abandon you, just like that? What is this to him? A fucking game? What are you to him? A fucking toy-?
He suddenly reaches over and covers your hand with his, intertwines his fingers with yours, the pad of his thumb massaging the small patch of your skin it can reach. He’s still looking out he window and your heart’s still pounding, your mind’s still whirling, your lips, jaw, ears still tingling.
“Hyung, I’m serious. Don’t go back to him. Stay with me. I love you.”
6.
He had enough. Twice that he said he loves him and he doesn't even know if the time that Ji said he loves him too is really meant for him. He took another cancer stick from the box, fumbling in his pocket for the lighter however, frustration came over him that all he did was to damn throw the stick and cried. Cried his heart out.
He feels fear, he feels anxiety, he feels death, if that was even fathomable.
He sat down on the cold ground, trying to think of the next thing he would do. Would he just walk away before they come? Should he leave now so he wouldn't see his lover with the kid? God knows what will they be doing after they step inside the apartment and into the kid's room, or worse, ji's room? On the same bed that they share.
The same bed where I fucked him always in the way he wanted. he thought.
a smile crept on his face as the thought of the naked jiyong lying beside him, the younger's left hand is carefully placed
on his chest, specifically where his heart is.
He stood up and just thought of the most brilliant idea he could think of, go back home and pretend to be sleeping.
He rushed downstairs thinking that they might arrive any time, he doesn't want to see him right? But the moment he reached for the knob,twist it slowly, letting the cold air come in, he heard voices. Faint sounds which made out something like;
"Don't go back... I love you..."
He froze. He wanted to run back and just shut the door close. His heart started pounding, nerves on his temple throbbing. He wanted to pick up something and throw it, or just smash anything. He's angry but he doesn't know why. He's frustrated, he's soaked and he doesn't know why.
Oh. he thought. Jiyong.
He took a deep breath as he finally pull the door open, walked quietly back in as if nothing happened.
Too bad his room is at the far end of the hallway, after the living room. he just had to see the kid lying dead like on the floor as Ji tries to take off his shirt, and tries to clean him up. He paused and forced his face to make out a worried look. which he was, but he isn't anymore
"Is he okay?" he asked. Ji didn't even look at him, he just uttered yes but his eyes are fixed on the kid's face.
"Do you need any help?" he asked again. This time, he didn't wait for an answer, he got the little tub with cold water placed beside Ji as he went to the kitchen and threw the water away.
"it should be luke warm Ji, the water's freezing. You use this when you want to wake him up. You don't want to wake him up anymore right?" he said sounding cool with everything but he almost ate his words. his voice cracked when he was talking about him, about the guy who bears the same name with him. Of all people.
he walked back with the tub, luke warm water on it, and some meds on his other hand. He placed both if it beside Ji, avoiding any contact. He doesn't even want to hold his hand for he might just pull him away and lock him, and never let him go.
"Some meds. Should I keep my door open or you'll stay with him for the night?"
it was a make or break question. A question that if Ji said Yes, they are still together, if he said No, then that was it. But he wondered, if Ji says Yes, he might say no the next day. If he said no, he would still leave it open anyways. Whatever, same vicious cycle. A cycle called Killing Choi Seung Hyun.
Instead of an answer, Ji stood up and held his hands. hands which had been trembling since Ji walked out on him, heart which had been troubled since they had been together.
"Thanks hyung" Ji muttered almost whispering. And then he wrapped his arms around his hyung, making the older's eyes tear up once again. The anxiety kills him, and the embrace is killing him more. "Can you help me with him and then we'll sleep together?"
7.
You know how sometimes life isn't correct? Sometimes it's wrong. Like right now. You're in bed with Choi Seunghyun but all you really wanna do is get the hell out of here and freaking hold Lee Seunghyun all night long, mend his broken self and piece the two of you together.
He broke you. You broke him. How pathetic. How stupid.
"Hyung, I'm sorry about earlier." You softly say, afraid he'd hear the longing to run out from here and into Seungri's room.
"It's okay, Ji. You were just worried about him."
"I'm in love with him."
"No, you love me."
"I'm in love with him."
"Ji-"
"Hyung, let's just go to sleep."
------------------------------------------
"Where the fuck is Ri?" You demand the next morning but nobody knows. "Dae, when you woke up.."
"He's already gone."
"Bae, how about you, did you see him? Maybe..."
"Sorry, Jiyongah. I didn't. Don't worry. He's probably just-"
"He probably isn't."
-------------------------------
Where the hell is he? He's already gone for the whole day, not texting, not calling. His phone's off. He didn't tell anybody he'd be gone. Where he'd gone.
"Hyung! Look-" You snatch the paper Dae's holding. It's folded in half, a piece of paper from your lyrics notebook.
Hyung,
Finally, after realising all my wrongs and trying to right them, I fail. I know I could never compete with Seunghyun hyung but still I tried last night. I tried really hard but I guess i'll never be good enough. Sorry for being such a bother, for
all the pain I've caused you before (the pain I'm feeling now is payment enough) and please tell 'thank you' to Seunghyun hyung, for giving you the things I want to give but lost the chance to.
- Seunghyun Seungri.
PS: I'm sorry about last night. Sorry for calling you out like that and having had to deal with a drunk kid. Really sorry, hyung. It will be first and last time. Honest.
What. The. Damn. Hell. Fuck. Last?
-------------------------------------
He went back to Gwangju, asked permission from the CEO for a quick visit. He made up a really lame excuse but he begged and he was granted permission.
Ri.
-------------------------------------
"I'm going after him." You tell Seunghyun hyung that evening. He's smoking again. And you dislike that.
"Just wait for him here. He'll come back."
"I'm going after him."
"Ji, stop being stubborn." He steps closer, try to hug you but it feels different now and you step away.
"Hyung."
"Ji! Wake up! Just because of one stupid letter, one stupid night, one stupid drunken night, you become like this?"
"Hyung."
"How long have you waited, Ji? How long has he made you wait? How many times has he hurt you during those waiting? How many fucking times have I been there for you? Saved you? Love you?"
"Long. Very long. Many times. Hundreds of times. Thousands. Millions."
"Then there. Stay with me. Don't leave me."
"But you know what hyung? I was just really impatient. I thought, I thought I was waiting for him to love me back. I thought he's taking too long, I thought he'll never come around but damn. I just realised now that it wasn't like that."
"Then what is it like, Ji? Tell me what is it like? Is it that important that you'd give up us?"
"Oh, I'll tell you hyung. When I thought I was the one waiting for him, he was actually waiting for himself as well. He's been waiting for himself to admit he needs me too, loves me too, wants me too. He's been waiting and I gave up on him but he didn't give up on himself. H waited for himself to realise, waited waited waited while he sees you and me, hears you and me. He's been hurting as much as I have been hurting, maybe even more."
"So what? It's all over now. We-"
"Stop saying we! It was never us, never we, it was always just you and me, me and you. But never us. Never we."
"Ji..."
"Hyung, I'm not leaving him now that he's finally realised. I'm not leaving him. I'm coming after him." You turn around, your heart feeling light, finally light.
"You're leaving me then?"
"Yes."
8.
Words lingered in his brain, in his heart. In that moment everything aches, every tiny part of his body, even the parts he doesn't know existed aches. He sits down on his bed as he stares at the closet which has nothing to do with anything that is happening to him, or to Ji. Or to even SeungRi. No. Seunghyun.
Was just like that, Kwon Ji Yong leaves him hanging. To go back to the person who left him, who tore him to bits and pieces. Just like that, just because of a simple fucking letter he goes off to Gwangju to come after the other SeungHyun. Just like that, Jiyong threw everything away, everything that they've gone through. He must be really mad at SeungHyun that he said it was never them. the thought crushes SeungHyun, makes him tear up, but with no sound. He's silently screaming as he locked himself in that same room that they once shared.
He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't want to see anybody. He found no need for social interaction. He stayed where he was when ji left, trying to think of the next thing he must do. Knocks had been reverberating in his room but he never answered. He can clearly hear DaeSung and YoungBae talking outside his room, but he never cared. he hear words but he doesn't seem to understand. He understands nothing that time. One thing is clear, Jiyong will be back with SeungRi and he's gone in the picture.
Again. the relationship he fought for, the man he loved unconditionally was now back to the arms of Lee Seung Hyun.
SeungHyun. he's younger, way better in dancing, can sing, and even though he broke Jiyong's heart,maybe this time he wouldn't leave the guy. SeungHyun thought about it. Thought about leaving and finally giving up. That the circumstance leads nowhere but to him raising the white flag, defeat.
As much as he wanted to move on, go on pushing himself to ji, nothing matters now. From Ji's words, he's damn fixed on going back to the old flame that he once had.
it was never us.
"Do you know how much that hurts? Do you know? Like this" He tore the papers that was in his vault, papers that is more than his life, papers that made him who is.
Contracts.
He took all the clothes the he has, clothes that Ji never wore which is practically half of his wardrobe. He stuffed in all inside his huge suitcase with all the things he own in that room. leaving the mess he created, he went out of the room only to be stopped by the two other members who had been worried sick since Jiyong's immediate departure.
"hyung, no please. let's wait for JiYong to..." it was late. Late for everything. he should have known this would come. he should have known that everything would just result to this.
He faked a smile and said; "I'm leaving guys. Oh and sorry, the mess in the room... that's the last thing you have to clean up which is from me" he tapped both of their backs as he walks out the door of their apartment and walks out of their lives.
tears fall down from his eyes like rain does during a storm. The moment the sunshine hits his skin, he puts on his shades so people won't swoon over Choi Seung Hyun's departure from their apartment, from kwon Ji yong, from Big Bang's life.
Ring Ring
without looking at his phone, he picked it up saying with his fake happy voice;
"Yobuseo Seung..." but the voice on the other line once again did it, to shake his principles and decisions.
"Hyung..." that word was enough for him to let go of his suitcase and for him to take off his shades.
he gulped and replied; "I'm leaving"
"SeungRi's not here" was the only thing Ji said, he didn't even care about the thing his hyung told him.
"Well then, goodluck Ji. I hope you find him. Because i'll make sure..." he took in his sobs and continued; "If you don't find him, you have YoungBae and DaeSung to go home to." As if reality came rushing in jiyong's mind, he answered, his voice almost yelling;
"What do you mean you're leaving?"
"Goodluck Ji" he then pressed cancel without even giving a proper reply to the man on the other line.
SeungHyun doesn't want to be mean, he doesn't want to be the person he is now. he doesn't want to be the person that Ji couldn't run to when he's in trouble. he doesn't want to be the person who turns his back on Ji like the other Seunghyun did. But this time he has to.
he put back the shades, his tears continue pouring as he kept his ringing phone in his pocket, totally ignoring whoever that was calling.
He waited for the car to come and as soon as it did, this figure appeared across the street, holding a phone to his ear and glaring at him. he wanted to just ignore the boy, but his eyes did the talking that lured him. He threw his suitcase in the car as he told the driver to come back after half an hour as he needs to talk to someone immediately.
The moment that SeungHyun steps in the boy's private space, the skinny boy with those dark circles looked at him pleading as he said; "I give up, I don't think I can be with him hyung."
9.
"I give up." You say. You hear the quiver in your voice, hear yourself just give up and hear the doubt in your voice. Maybe you should have just really gone home (Gwangju is home). This place, Bigbang's place, it doesn't feel like home anymore.
"I also give up." He tells you and your face looks lost for a moment until the older Seunghyun shakes your shoulders lightly. "Ri, I give up."
"We're both giving up?" You ask, your voice so small, for the first time he's met Lee Seunghyun (with the overflowing confidence) you let your hyung hear yourself so unsure now.
"No, stupid. I'm giving up, you aren't." He laughs at you a little, like you dont understand but really, you don't.
Why the hell is he giving up? You're the one who should be giving up here, not this man here, not this man who makes the one you love scream in pleasure every night, not this man here who catches the one you love everytime you push him , not this man here who mends the broken man you hurt everytime you ignore him.
Not this man here who has done nothing but give love to Jiyong hyung while all you've given him are hurt and tears.
"Hyung, I don't und-"
"Last night? You don't understand because you thought he chose me over you? Because he slept in our room with me and left you in yours after cleaning you up? Is that it? Is that what this 'running away back to Gwangju' is all about?" He asks and try to keep his voice steady, try so hard but still fail as you hear cracks here and there.
"Yes, hyung. I thought-" You nod your head, that's exactly what you thought. Last night, you tried your hardest, tried your hardest to make Jiyong hyung yours again, to catch his fallen heart that you've previously thrown out the window and you thought you succeeded, when you kissed him you thought you did but when you wake up he isn't there. He's back where you left him. In Choi Seunghyun's arms. And it hurt, hurt so fucking much and you were suffocating and dying and-
"You really are an A-bloodtype. You beat yourself up from the inside, just like him, just like Ji." He takes a deep sigh. "Last night when he was with me, he told me he's in love with you."
"But he loves you." You counter because you can't believe your ears. He went to bed last night to Seunghyun hyung to tell the older that he's in love with you?
"Yes, maybe. But to tell you the truth, I think I never really had a hold of his heart. While he's with me, everytime he's with me, I can feel him so far away, like he's with you, like he's heart is stil with you." He smiles a bitter smile and you think you're going to cry again but no, you're not like that, you're strong.
"Hyung, I didn't kno-"
"You wouldn't. He's a good actor, that kid. But I can see it, feel it. And now I'm giving up because..." He looks up at the sky and you hear the cab's honk. It's back. "... because you two really are for each other. I was just a safety zone for Ji."
"Hyung, you aren't! Jiyong hyung cares about you too! He-"
"What the fuck, Ri? Are we shuffling Ji back and forth now? Ji's not a fucking toy, kid. He's-"
"-my everything. Hyung, Jiyong hyung's my everything." You complete for him and he laughs, signaling the cab driver to wait.
"He's mine too." He tells you and he grabs his suitcase again, starts to walk towards the waiting cab.
"Then why are you leaving? If he's your everything then why are you leaving, hyung?" You ask him because this can't be happening. Seunghyun hyung is not going to leave. He can't. This isn't right.
"Because of you and Ji."
Silence settles as one, two, three, four, five, ten seconds pass. You look at his suitcase, look at the man infront of you, look at his bleeding heart and how you've stabbed it.
"He's in Gwangju. He came after you." He tells you silently, and he smiles. A smile like he's tired of this tug-of-war.
"He did? Stupid Jiyong hyung." You mumble and he opens the cab's door.
"I'm leaving."
"Hyung, you'll come back."
"Take care of Ji."
""Hyung, you'll come back."
"If you hurt him one more time I'll kill you."
"You'll have to come back for that."
"Don't make me."
"Hyung..." And he slams the door shut and you watch as the cab disappears into the traffic.
You take out your phone that you've finally turned back on and press speed dial number 3 (Dad's 2, Mom's 1).
*ring ring ring*
"Fuck, Ri, Where are you!!!???" Panic in his voice. Jiyong hyung's been so worried about you.
"I'm home."
10.
He's home, anytime soon ji would arrive and be with him.
End of the story.
And they live happily ever after, the line that made SeungHyun chuckled as he finally realized that he was in a cab when he was supposedly to be picked up by his car in front of their apartment. He told the driver to go back and be in the car that he's supposed to be in.
The moment he paid the bill, he jumped off and hurriedly went in the car that had been waiting for him. he said just half an hour but he ended up circling the area, a thing that he had mastered when he fell in Kwon Ji yong's trap.
It was something unexplainable, a feeling unbearable. He's dying because Ji is his everything however he wanted to be happy for he knows his love would be happy. His love would be finally with the man he is much devoted to. He is back in the arms that, he hopes, will hold on him forever. And he found himself crying again, he found himself in the pitch blackhole that has nothing but sorrow and regret. If it weren't for that damn word he wouldn't be hurting right now. he wouldn't be feeling that way, as if he was stabbed with thousand knives, shot with millions of bullet.
When someone just left.
Someone left and will never come back. it's worse than dying.
it's worse than being buried six feet under where worms and organisms eat up your flesh. it's worse than than being hung.
It's worse than anything else, because those things, after few seconds or minutes or agony, the death comes quickly.
In leaving, it's like taking your nails off one by one. Like scraping off your skin in different parts with seconds of interval,like amputating your one leg and leaving it open just as is.
Choi Seung Hyun, graduate of BS Loving Kwon JiYong, Masters in Torturing Himself.
it's more than suicide. Suicide is killing oneself. he wasn't killing himself, he was torturing himself for the love that wasn't even reciprocated rightly, a one sided love, many calls it.
-------
Calls left unanswered, knocks were unheard. He was back at being the kid who sulks in his room brimming with insecurities. He went back to the kid who sees and talks nobody but his mom, his sister and sometimes his dad. he went back to the kid who knows nothing but to stay at home and reminisce the days that once passed by his life.
Choi Seung Hyun's life was nothing near to TOP's, and he's dying everyday.
Not because of the limelight that is focused on a new rapper now, the light that he once owned. Not because of the fact that everybody's moving on while he's there stuck in the past and can't seem to move on. Not because of the fact that the fanservice GRI is giving to the fans is not fanservice at all, but reality.
But because of the fact that Ji never even tried to call him. Because of the painful fact that even when the whole world called him, even when the rest of the world tugs his sleeve to come back he doesn't want to for only one voice can pull him back.
Only one voice remains his fortress, only one voice can whisper to his ear that everything's alright and it will be.
It isn't magic, it's just... fucking love.
"hyung..." the voice wasn't Ji's. But someone familiar, someone oddly familiar that he wanted to turn the volume up of his stereo, but he didn't.
He just don't know the exact reason why.
"hyung... we're falling apart" If this kid thinks that his stints would do the trick, he's wrong. In case he forgot, they are both actors, well he was.
"Hyung..." the kid's voice cracked; "How sure were you that Jiyong hyung chose me?" Is this kid fucking serious?
Just like that, he left his hyung hanging. He left Choi Seung Hyun thinking. What is happening? They look happy, they look fucking happy he wanted to shoot himself and just die. They look so damn happy he's expecting them to marry soon. They look so fucking happy he started thinking of those nights he spent with Jiyong, and thought; He's fucking him better
But after the kid's voice entered his little world, after the thoughts invaded his sanity smacking some sense with him, he thought, maybe once again this kid wants to leave Jiyong in the gutter for the nth time.
But he shouldn't care right? He's no longer the SeungHyun that JiYong can run to after being dumped. He's not the same SeungHyun jiYong can fuck when Ri's not around. He's no longer the Seunghyun that gives in easily with just one word from those lips he once owned.
No, he never owned anything.
There was no US
His phone ringing, he just stared at it waiting for it to die down. Too bad, whoever's on the line is one damn persistent kid who doesn't know the meaning of NOT ANSWERING THE FUCKING CALL. He picked it up, opened it just to take the batteries off and just threw it on his bed.
That time, his room phone rang, once again ignored it as he tried to drown his thoughts on what SeungRi just said, no, JiYong's SeungHyun just said.
"YAA! You shouldn't be doing this!" the answering machine was like a broken record that irritates the contemplating SeungHyun. He once again tried to close his eyes and doze off, but the voice didn't vanish.
"You think you could do this? IGNORE everything? everybody? Do you know how much they miss you?" the emphasis on the word they was very obvious, and that's where he knew this wasn't the other SeungHyun or some other
person who calls him everyday to ask how the fuck is he doing. He sat up straight and waited for the next words that the machine will throw at him.
"I'm the leader and you're my responsibility. You went away, we got a ne... new one to fill your space." the man on the line coughed and continued; "Hyung..." his voice shifted from the scolding Kwon to the soft Kwon who never failed to make Seung Hyun's knees to turn jelly.
"Hyung..." he cried out. "Hyung things aren't the same." he paused for what seemed to be eternity and then said; "Can I still call you hyung? Can I go to you now? Can I run to you for refuge? Because..." he paused again. This time to take a deep breath and said; "I'm broke. More wrecked than that time... SeungRi left."
SeungHyun gasped, trying to hold back the tears that is already pouring down his cheeks. This wasn't the Ji he left, this wasn't the Ji he knew.
"Hyung... can you hear me? I'm broke. Again. It's not because of Lee, but...because" for the last time he paused and said; "Hyung, complete me, will you?"
He stares at the machine which had been glaring back at him as if telling him that he should go out and be with him.
He's broke and he's the missing piece in the puzzle of Kwon Ji yong's life.
And the lyrics of the song suddenly played in Choi Seung Hyun's mind, a song that he wished Jiyong would sing.
At the end you will find a road leading back to me.
tr><
11.
a) G - Ri ENDING
But the road is fucking closed.
It's fucking closed and it won't open ever again. So you create a side-rode to let him pass, a little way for him to come back, please just come back. To please just go back to the way things were. To please go back to Bigbang and be complete again.
So you lie.
It's easy to ignore people you don't care about, it's easy to pretend you don't care about the people you care about. But you know Choi Seunghyun more than cares about you and that just one little lie, just one little lie will lead him back to your little group of friends and the life he left.
"SeungRi left."
You know one easy line will make him come back, you hope it will make him come back. You look at the kid sprawled on your bed, in his boxers looking heavenly, reading some random fashion magazine you bought yesterday. You walk towards him and lay down, resting your head near his.
"Hyung, do you think he'll come back?" He asks you, the guilt that never ever left his voice stronger than ever. He's been beating himself up secretly, beating himself up inside. He thrashes against your tight embrace at nights when it's cold, he dreams of drowning, of falling and he says it's all his fault. It's all his fault Choi Seunghyun left and made Bigbang like this.
You disagree.
Because it's your fault. Not his. It's your stupid greed and selfishness that made things like this. If only you waited, if only you waited for Seungri (the boy who's staring at you right now, his fingers lazily tracing patterns on patches of your skin). If only you didn't give up on waiting, if only you didn't let go that easily, then none of this bullshit would have happened. Then you and Ri would have eventually just ended up together, and hyung, Seunghyun hyung would have just faded from his heart the infatuation he has for you because you didn't give him false hope of promised 'love' and make-believe 'us'.
But you did.
And now all of these are happening. Damn you, Jiyong. Damn you, Kwon Jiyong. Damn your A-blood types and how you just like to torture yourself. Ji and Ri, the A-blood type couple.
"He'll come back."
-------------------------------------
"So this is how important I am to you?" You shout at the man you've all been waiting for, shout at Choi Seunghyun and his suitcase at the doorway. "It takes you freaking 15 days to come here and complete me?"
"Ji..."
"Hyung, you're fucked up." You turn your back on him, seriously hurt but not bleding. No, not bleding, just hurting and-
"You lied." He says matter-of-factly as he is probably looking at Suengri, Seungri who is standing beside you when he barged inside the apartment, wearing your clothes, your shirt, your boxers. "He didn't leave."
"You're right hyung, he didn't leave." A sudden strong hit of realization punching you in the face.
"You fucking lied to get me back here, Ji? What am I-"
"You're right. Suengri didn't leave." You feel your heart expanding and beating so fast. "You say you love me, hyung? You say I'm your everything? Tell me sweet sweet words, hyung?"
"Ji~" His voice becoming suddenly soft.
"Then why did you fucking leave? If you really love me then you wouldn't have left. You wouldn't have broken everything else just because you're broken. You should have stayed here and stayed here and tried to resurface back up your own little pond of sorrow." You turn back around to face him now and you see his bewildered face, hard as stone and you remember the many times you've kissed his eyelids, kissed his lips and they feel so wrong now.
"Ji, what the hell are you-"
"Seunghyun hyung." Seungri suddenly steps forward, the fire that you love so much burning in his eyes right now as he stands face to face with the man 3 years older than him. He doesn't look young at all. He looks strong and mature and he's damn as hell all yours.
"Stay the fuck out of this, Ri." Seunghyun hyung growls and continue to stare at you, ignoring the boy who's determined to say something.
"See, hyung? Seunghyun hyung, that's one of the many reasons why I am almost certain now that you never really loved Jiyong hyung." The younger boy says confidently, like he's watched this on t.v. millions of times before. "This attitude of not caring what other people have to say about the situation, about the relationships involved, and coming here 15 days after Jiyong hyung's plea for help, and of course, leaving."
"So what? What if I left? Why? I can't drown in my sorrows alone? I can't go-"
"You can and also you could have not but the choice you made... are you sure Jiyong hyung is really your everything?"
"He's my everything! I fucking left because I fucking gave up. I've alwasy been there for him, always loved him unconditionally, always stayed by him no matter what but what? He leaves me for you who has done nothing but make him run to me for comfort." He points to himself, his eyes flashing, dangerously flashing.
"But still you shouldn-"
"Why? I can't leave because I'm hurt? Because fuck, if I didn't leave what would you have me do? Live in the same house with you two? See you act so close to each other? See you kiss each other? Touch each other? Hear moans coming from your bedroom each night? What? You want me to be here for all of that? Do you want me to fucking die?" His eyes are burning now, inferno. But Seungri steps forward, bringing himself to his full height and matching the burning in the older man's eyes, his eyes are burning stronger and he say:
"But I never left. Not when he came to you after that night I told him that I cannot need him, cannot love him when the truth is that I was just afraid to admit it to myself. I didn't leave when it hurt me so much to see you two kising each other. Hyung, I didn't leave when I stay outside your door, hearing the two of you moan each others' name while I cry myself to sleep on the hallway." The kid you love so much says and you want to hold him so much right now, love him so much right now, Seungri.
"Ri..."
"Hyung, I even didn't leave that time I thought he chose you over me after my drunken episode at that club. I said I was going back to Gwangju because damn it hurt so much to try and make him come back to me but see an empty spot beside me on the bed and know the two of you are together in the other room. But I stayed. I cancelled my trip to Gwangju and didn't leave." Your heart is aching now, hearing all of this for the first time today. Your mind is swimming. He really loves you, really...
"Ri..."
"Do you know why, hyung? Because I'm in love with Jiyong hyung. Because he's my everything and I thought, even if he's not with me, even if he's not mine, even if he's yours and I have to live the rest of my life seeing the two of you together, I'm in
love with him and I would never leave. Because I'm selfish and I need him and I'm not breaking the smallest form of relationship I can share with him. I'm not breaking this dream we've created for so long, I'm not breaking Bigbang just because I lost in love. Because I'm willing to be here and hurt everyday rather than be apart from Jiyong hyung. I love him that fucking much."
"Ri." It was a little bit clumsy but you wrap your arms around his waist, bury your face in the crook of his neck and inhale his scent. "Ri, I love you so much too."
"So you call me here to scold me and make my heart break even more?" Seunhyun hyung's voice cuts through your moment and you step back, lookt him in the eye.
"No, hyung. We lied because we want you back. We want you to come back and be with us again. Hyung, Bigbang needs you, we need you." You tell him, your arm around Seungri's back.
"Bullshit." He says and picks his suitcase up from the floor, turns around and starts to leave.
"Hyung, wait! I thought you said you love me! At least, for me, stay." You try, you try because you feel so damn guilty inside.
"Ji, are you blackmailing me with love? Love! Love of all the damn things in this world?" He asks, his back turned on you.
"Yes, hyung. I am. So please, stay. If you really do love me, come back." You plead, beg. But somehow you have a feeeling it ain't gonna work. SeungriJiyong with Seunghyun isn't gonna work ever again.
"Well, guess what, Ji?" He turns around and looks at you, a small smile on his face. "Hearing Maknae's speech a while ago, I think I never really loved you that much, that deep. Goodbye." He closes the door behind him with a bang!
-----------------------------
It still feels heavy sometimes, but most of the time, when you're with Seungri, Lee Seunghyun (not Choi Seunghyun), Maknae, everything feels so light and fluffy and perfect. And you can mention the past now without really feeling like dying. It's all done, finished and you haven't really moved on and completely forgotten (the disaster that was two Seunghyuns plus one Jiyong) but you've been moving, moving and moving away. And the movement is fluid like water, light like the wind and beautiful like Lee Seunghyun.
"You've never told me I complete you." He tells you one night as you're kissing his collarbone, your hands toying with the rim of his boxers and caressing the soft skin above it.
"What, Ri?" You ask as you kiss your way down his chest, down his stomach, and licks his flesh until you reach his hip bone.
"What you told Seunghyun hyung, remember?. You told him you needed him to complete you. I heard. I know it was all a lie but still. You've never told me." You smile against his skin. ""Hyung, do I complete you?"
"Are you jealous?" You ask, making your way back up to kiss his neck, tongue his ear and whisper. "Are you jealous?"
"Kind- kind of." He mumbles and you chuckle. He's so cute.
"Well, to tell you honestly, you don't complete me." He stiffens and you grin and move to kiss his lips but not before you say the words that you very well know will ease his heart.
"Because there's nothing to complete here. All of me is already yours."
G-Ri END
b) GTOP ENDING
Dear Ji,
I woke up today crying, I woke up crying because of the pain that I'm feeling. The pain that I'm not used to feeling.
The pain that I never thought was even possible. Ji, I gave up because I want you to be happy. Same ol', same ol'
right? But that's reality. I am selfish during one time, and then I became selfless. My mom once said it's normal,
it's normal for people who truly loves. It's normal for people who just loves and never ask for something in return.
It's just normal.
It is, but it wasn't.
It is normal for me to just give up, to just give in, to just take a step back when I need to. It's normal for me not
to speak even when I am dying to do so, just to see your smile. That's what i'm supposed to do right? Be the man that
makes Kwon Ji yong smile everyday of his existence. Be the man that he could run to when the world turn it's back on him.
Be the stronghold that he needed when everything keeps falling apart. I am that, I want to be that.
But Ji, I've been holding onto you so tight, I didn't know that I have the tendencies to falter too. That I am capable
of feeling this pain. For once, I don't want to be the second guy. I don't want to be the guy you go to everytime you
fight with the other. I don't want to be the guy who fucks you when he doesn't want to. I don't want to be the guy to
console you when he makes you cry.
I want to be the guy that makes you smile just because you want to smile. I want that. I want to make you smile not
because you're sad over a lost love, I want to make you smile because you should be smiling. I want to make you feel loved
not because he doesn't give you enough but because you deserved to be loved.
I want to do things because I want to not because Lee Seung Hyun is in the premise. I want to give everything not because
Lee Seung Hyun can't give you those.
Ji, it tore me into pieces when you told me there was no US. Because all the while I thought there was US
and there would be US for the coming days and months and years. But when you said that, I was shot in the heart
and was never able to recuperate.
Because this love that i thought WE shared was all my make believe.
However, Ji, do you know how much I hated myself for being in the room for months? For dettaching myself from the society
for months? For watching your shows and just ends up crying, for months? Of course you don't have the slightest idea.
Because you're too busy with your love. And I want to be happy for you, I really do.
But I just can't.
And now I am writing this letter because you continuously confuse me.
You continuously rip me apart, and then come back to stitch everything back.
What am I to you Ji? Really. I don't want to ask you in person because whatever your answer is, I will just hold you
tight... and never let go. That no matter how much you fight, i will not let go because you're my everything.
You got that kiddo?
Your hyung is crazy for you, he can't even fucking watch porn again.
But he want to straighten things out. He want to make things right.
CHOI
He stared at the letter he had written, stared at it while a smile crept on his face, his heart started beating faster.
Ji read it, he read it and now he's gone. He's off to see him, to meet him in the studio where they spent days and night
doing what they love doing, songs, lyrics that rip hearts off those girls.
But he was still there, there in the room, in the very same room he left months ago. The sole witness to the love he felt
and gave to Ji. He put the letter on the desk as he carefully placed the laptop and some notebooks on it. things will
be ok now he thought.
He looked at his watch and it was time, it was time to meet him.
Clothes in the closet.. Check.
Toiletries. Check.
Songwriting paraphernalia. Check.
Heart. Still Missing.
He got his jacket, his wallet, that pair of shades which Ji bought for him and keys.
When he was on his way out of the apartment, he looked at every corner of it as if it was the last time he would see it,
he tried to remember everything that's in every corner. He tried to even remember where Little SeungHyun keeps his
porn. Everything, from the little piece of book on the table that DaeSung failed to finish, to the plates that YoungBae
placed neatly on the rack, to the CD cases on the shelf which he thought was empty since Ji just loves to get CDs and
just forgets to put them back.
With that, he bade goodbye to home and uttered;
"I'll have my heart back soon"
He didn't really know what those words meant, he just... wanted to say it.
Jumping on a motorbike that his friend lent him, he sped off.
He has time, no need to really speed off. It was the first time really that he had this kind of drive. That he has this
chance to be really on a motorbike and really drive it, and he meant....really drive it. Not for some lame 10 meters
distance or something like that. It was ecstasy actually, he felt he's starting to pick
up the pieces of himself, he can't
even wait to glue it all together.
I hope everything will go as plan he thought as he passed by a store which bears the name Yong, or maybe he's
hallucinating.
He tries to accelerate the speed even for a mminute or two so he would just feel the wind hitting him hard, like knocking
him off. He wished he had done this before, maybe if he did then he would have come to his senses.
Nothing mattered. Nothing really did.
But still, he wanted to do something good. He wanted to do something that is right. Something he should have done
long ago. Not give up, but take a step back and accept reality.
The phone call didn't make him want to go back and run to JiYong's falling self. He didn't want to catch him, he wanted to
prevent him and him to more fall apart. He wanted to save their ailing relationship, he's Batman after all right?
Saving Gotham is his duty.
all the while he thought saving Gotham means saving jiyong. So he tries to save him and then he fell for him. he didn't
realize that Gotham is Ji and Ri. How stupid of him.
After some time of lamentation, some time with that friend who lent him the motorbike saying that it's one of his baby
but now he has to let go because he found his really love. A nice girl he ought to marry. And he wasn't even trying to be
a clown when he said that. when he really was
he's excited and his heart exemplifies it. it's jumping and it's crushing him. It's struggling to get out of his chest
that he's aching.
Aching too much.
he tried to stop but he can't. his reflexes stopped working, his world started spinning fast in front of him.
He tries to shake away that feeling but he can't. He wanted to swerve away from the main road but that seemed impossible.
And then those blinding light enveloped him, as if there were two huge hands who picked him up in the mess he's into.
Blinking light.People Screaming.Blood.
Nothing's in sight anymore.
---
"Ri?" Jiyong went inside the studio only to be surprised by the unexpected person.
"Hyung?" the kid shot back.
"..." silence. The room was suffocating for Jiyong and he knew damn well that Ri is more than awkward with this event too.
"Wh.." Before Ri could finish, YoungBae opened the door, trying to gasp for air as he said;
"SeungH..Se... TOP DAMMIT!" That name made JiYong's heart jumped, as if he knew what is exactly happening. Why SeungRi's
here and everything that follows.
Before he knew it, he was running outside the building, into the company's car, and then running again in the hallways of
the hospital trying to find one person.
Choi Seung Hyun.
He wasn't around. He wasn't anywhere.
"DAMMIT HYUNG!" if it was even possible, he thought his eyes were bleeding from too much tears.
He wandered for minutes and hours but he saw no one. He was in the wrong hospital he knew it. So he moved on to another,
trying to find his beloved hyung.
Still nothing.
He tried calling the other guys but they weren't answering. Frustration started to drown him, pushed him deeper in Hades'
niche. Something was wrong, wasn't right.
Finally, when Ri picked up his phone, Jiyong wanted to say hallelujah.
"Where in the fucking hell is he?"
"hyung..." the kid answered, his voice breaking. "he's home"
How many times did he hear those words from Ri? How many fucking times? But this time, when he said those words, instead
of being happy he was overwhelmed with fear. He was scared to even walk down the car and to their home. He's more than
afraid to open the door and not find SeungHyun there. Choi Seung Hyun.
The moment he stepped in, the stabbing silence made him bled. He walked in the living room where your bestfriend is facing
the window while your dongsaeng covers his face with a familiar stuff toy.
The huge white dog with a huge black spot on his eye, Choi's.
"Hey, where's SeungHyun hyung?" he asked, trying to be cheery.
Nobody answered.
"HEY! WHAT'S WRONG?" still hiding the trembling voice, he failed; "I didn't see him in the hospital"
"Nobody did" A voice came out of Ji's room, for a second he thought it was SeungHyun's, but it wasn't deep and sultry and
not to mention, sexy.
It was from the other SeungHyun. THe SeungHyun he's supposedly in love with.
The kid bears too much weight under his eyes, it's darker than ever. He walked out and handed a piece of note.
"His family didn't want us... even fucking visit" Ri walked past him as he try to decipher what was on that little
note that made and is still making seungri cry.
I'm HOME PEOPLE!
Yaa! You two, lock yourselves in this room and don't come out for a century ayt?
My things are fixed on Ri's old room, which is now my room and Dae's. AYT?
-POWER RAPPER ^^
CHOI SEUNG HYUN, Old member of Big Bang died from a motorcycle accident.
.....
....
...
..
.
he cries and he cries.
he locks himself in that room. This time without SeungHyun beside him. This time with just thoughts of him. This time
the room ain't filled with love or even lust. It's brimming with regrets. it's filled of what if's and should have's.
until that moment, Seunghyun never thought of himself. Until that moment he thought of Jiyong. Until that moment he thought of his everything.
His everything who wants no one but Lee.
His everything who now wants to maybe really lock himself for century until reincarnation bring SeungHyun back. the Choi he loved. the Choi he really want to have. The Choi...
"SeungHyun hyung!" he shouted. "You know I can't hold on to him. He falls before I do." he stuttered, trying his best to
be audible enough, maybe, just maybe he's listening.
"ED means past hyung. I was ready to move forward." and he just stared at the neatly cleaned room of his. His opened closet
where Lee Seung hyun's clothes are carefully placed. His bed where Lee's huge pillow lies side by side with his. His desk
which carries his laptop and Lee's along with the kid's books for school.
Everything seemed so right.
But he wasn't in his room anymore. his room was the room where Choi's clothes are scattered on the floor, his room
was the one where papers are everywhere because the two of them can't decide on the lyrics of the song that they're doing
so they end up just throwing it everywhere and anywhere. his room is where his bed is filled with stuff toys as if a kid
sleeps on that, but in reality, the oldest ones of the group lies there at night, most often that not, fucking.
"Do you hear moans SeungRi? Do you hear it?" he barked at the door where SeungRi's ears are glued on.
GTOP END
AN by jemnise : Next time, i won't even think of putting a GTOP comment in a GRI oneshot. swear. hahaha XD but yea, this GRI shipper is one of the best, if not the best GAAA. oxygenlove, make more SMUT and I might abandon my ship. but yea, that is when I become, forever, a selfish bitch who OWNS CHOI SEUNG HYUN XD GTOP FTW~
An by oxygenlove : DAUM IT'S FINISHED!!!! ROFL. Glad I was able to work with a great GTOP writer likejemnise !!! But nope, I AM NOT ABANDONING MY SHIP. GRI FTW.