Emotional blackmail
I have a habit of watching tv with half an eye while browsing the web. I have no idea what's going on on the screen most of the time, but once in a while a line or a few sentences, maybe even a complete exchange will filter through to register in my brain. This was one of them:
"So, why Las Vegas?"
"It's on my to-do list."
"Oh. So what else is on your to-do list?"
"Four more things left."
"What are they?"
"Sunset in the desert (...) skydiving."
"That's only three."
"I saved the best for last: Make love to first girl I ever kissed."
"Aw, that's so sweet."
"You were the first girl I ever kissed."
"... it may take you some time with that last one there."
"I hope not. I only have a month."
"...?"
"I'm dying of cancer."
And that just made me wanna scream. Did this guy just come asking for a pity-fuck? I think he did. How bloody sad is that? And what's more. She'd feel totally guilty for not returning his affections now that he's in such dire straits. Gee, thanks, dude. This is the kind of crap I'd throw right back into people's faces. Okay, so you're being a sentimental romantic, but it doesn't work any better on people because your health is failing. At least it shouldn't. What is it with the notion that if you're dying you can do and say what you want, you don't have to behave yourself, 'cause you're dying. I've seen it before in people who were very ill (though not necessarily fatally so) or disabled. Because they have that health-wise drawback they think they don't have to treat others decently. They need to think again.
Story from this thing called life:
M and T were dating, had been dating for a few years. In fact they'd gotten engaged. T has a band and together they play gigs here and there. One night after a gig there was to be an afterparty, and ahead of schedule T lets M know that this party might postpone the homecoming to the following day, and was that okay? M's response is this: "Well, I'd rather you'd stay home with me, but I think you should go party with your friends." T assured M that: "If you'd rather have me here I'll come straight home." but M repeated: "Of course I'd rather have you home, I love you, but I still think you should go party with your friends."
Now, at the time M just saw this as being honest with the SO. But later on the emotional blackmail-ish qualities of the exchange became clear. This was not honesty, this was telling T things T did not need to know.
My point is this. We all do this from time to time. If I want people to stay with me, if I want people to go away, if I want people to do something for my sake, I'm gonna tell them that, but if I want people to make ther own decision and I know their preference lies opposite to mine, I shouldn't be telling them my preference. If I want my friend/sibling/you-name-it to do something for themselves for their own sake, I should definitely NOT be telling them what I'd prefer them to do. 'cause that's guilt-tripping them and it only ensures that what they go to enjoy will become an irritant for them because of said guilt, and that would hardly be fair of me.
And that exchange from the tv series was just the worst. One thing is staying home or not, one thing is coming to a party or not, but that exchange was about guilt-tripping a woman into having sex with this guy who's supposedly dying of cancer. If he wanted to make love to her so badly, he can bloody well go and make an honest effort to prove to her that it's a good idea, just like everyone else. Why should she grant him a pity-fuck? Sure he'll get to make love to this woman before he dies. But then what? He'll die, what's the use then?
I'll tell you what the use is. There'll be a woman left alive who might regret sleeping with him, because she really didn't love him, and oh my goodness what if he thought it meant more than it did? It won't matter to him because he's dead, but it'll matter to her, because it's her integrity, and it's her who has to live with it for the rest of her days and those are likely to be a good deal more plentiful than his. It's been proven before that even if a woman does consent to sex, the fact that she does so reluctantly and for the wrong reasons can have the same psychological effects on her as a rape. And that's pretty bloody serious.
Let that be a lesson to us women: We shouldn't allow ourselves to be guilt-tripped into something we're not sure we really want.
But let it also be a lesson to everyone, no matter the gender: Guilt-tripping others into singing your tune is a bad thing to do. Stop it. Not polite. Not the good nor right thing to do. Make it stop. Right. Now.
Emotional blackmail takes the blame for so much crap, everyone ought to put in an effort to kill it. But unfortunately, as long as some individuals might benefit from doing it, they won't stop. Neither respect nor decency is common currency these days. Tsk. Tsk.
"So, why Las Vegas?"
"It's on my to-do list."
"Oh. So what else is on your to-do list?"
"Four more things left."
"What are they?"
"Sunset in the desert (...) skydiving."
"That's only three."
"I saved the best for last: Make love to first girl I ever kissed."
"Aw, that's so sweet."
"You were the first girl I ever kissed."
"... it may take you some time with that last one there."
"I hope not. I only have a month."
"...?"
"I'm dying of cancer."
And that just made me wanna scream. Did this guy just come asking for a pity-fuck? I think he did. How bloody sad is that? And what's more. She'd feel totally guilty for not returning his affections now that he's in such dire straits. Gee, thanks, dude. This is the kind of crap I'd throw right back into people's faces. Okay, so you're being a sentimental romantic, but it doesn't work any better on people because your health is failing. At least it shouldn't. What is it with the notion that if you're dying you can do and say what you want, you don't have to behave yourself, 'cause you're dying. I've seen it before in people who were very ill (though not necessarily fatally so) or disabled. Because they have that health-wise drawback they think they don't have to treat others decently. They need to think again.
Story from this thing called life:
M and T were dating, had been dating for a few years. In fact they'd gotten engaged. T has a band and together they play gigs here and there. One night after a gig there was to be an afterparty, and ahead of schedule T lets M know that this party might postpone the homecoming to the following day, and was that okay? M's response is this: "Well, I'd rather you'd stay home with me, but I think you should go party with your friends." T assured M that: "If you'd rather have me here I'll come straight home." but M repeated: "Of course I'd rather have you home, I love you, but I still think you should go party with your friends."
Now, at the time M just saw this as being honest with the SO. But later on the emotional blackmail-ish qualities of the exchange became clear. This was not honesty, this was telling T things T did not need to know.
My point is this. We all do this from time to time. If I want people to stay with me, if I want people to go away, if I want people to do something for my sake, I'm gonna tell them that, but if I want people to make ther own decision and I know their preference lies opposite to mine, I shouldn't be telling them my preference. If I want my friend/sibling/you-name-it to do something for themselves for their own sake, I should definitely NOT be telling them what I'd prefer them to do. 'cause that's guilt-tripping them and it only ensures that what they go to enjoy will become an irritant for them because of said guilt, and that would hardly be fair of me.
And that exchange from the tv series was just the worst. One thing is staying home or not, one thing is coming to a party or not, but that exchange was about guilt-tripping a woman into having sex with this guy who's supposedly dying of cancer. If he wanted to make love to her so badly, he can bloody well go and make an honest effort to prove to her that it's a good idea, just like everyone else. Why should she grant him a pity-fuck? Sure he'll get to make love to this woman before he dies. But then what? He'll die, what's the use then?
I'll tell you what the use is. There'll be a woman left alive who might regret sleeping with him, because she really didn't love him, and oh my goodness what if he thought it meant more than it did? It won't matter to him because he's dead, but it'll matter to her, because it's her integrity, and it's her who has to live with it for the rest of her days and those are likely to be a good deal more plentiful than his. It's been proven before that even if a woman does consent to sex, the fact that she does so reluctantly and for the wrong reasons can have the same psychological effects on her as a rape. And that's pretty bloody serious.
Let that be a lesson to us women: We shouldn't allow ourselves to be guilt-tripped into something we're not sure we really want.
But let it also be a lesson to everyone, no matter the gender: Guilt-tripping others into singing your tune is a bad thing to do. Stop it. Not polite. Not the good nor right thing to do. Make it stop. Right. Now.
Emotional blackmail takes the blame for so much crap, everyone ought to put in an effort to kill it. But unfortunately, as long as some individuals might benefit from doing it, they won't stop. Neither respect nor decency is common currency these days. Tsk. Tsk.