(no subject)
life is confusing. I know it, but i still don't get it, ever. i feel like there is something i am missing, but i only ever notice it when i'm not busy. Do i just not have time when i am busy, is that why i like being busy, cause it means that i don't have to worry about anything else. How am i ever going to get a job, ok, so slightly random, but i procrastinate horribly cause i'm not sure and i just don't trust myself and i feel like everything i write is so wrong. Even things i write here, it's like i'm not saying/explaining enough, or i'm way over doing it, or maybe it's not important, or maybe i shouldn't be telling the whole world my complaints on life cause while they might be important to me at the time they aren't important to anyone else. But so what right, i mean no one else has to read this, it's more for me, or maybe it's so i can feel like my thoughts are important and that someone out there might care slightly. Cause i know there are people who do, and by that i mean they care enough about me to care about the things that effect my life. i just feel like somethings so completely wrong that it will never change. ANd i almost feel like i have to accept that, but then there's something in me that tells me that i don't have to that i can push some boundary, but then whenever i get close i get blown so far away and end up back sitting on my ass no closer to it then i ever was before.
I don't think i will ever understand life, and not because it's impossible, even though it may be, but more because i will never let myself. I want to believe something else so i end up just not believing in anything cause none of it makes any sense to me whatsoever. I guess it's kinda like ghosts, there are people who absolutely believe in them and people who don't at all, and whenever asked i say i don't know, because i think i've felt ghosts being around before, i've had weird experiences but it doesn't make any sense to me intellectually. like how can there really be things as ghosts, doesn't that mean i have to believe in an afterlife and does that mean that i need to believe in god, more then that do i believe in god, to i believe in christianity. Should I? whats better for me, whats good about it whats bad? what can i accept, what can't i accept, can it be explained to me if i talk to the right people, or are they going to try to brainwash me. How do i have so many questions in my head that i never try to answer. How do you go about answering them when you know that the answers will end up contradicting each other. Should you try anyways, does it matter, do i need to define my life. Can i just live it. Can i forget what i've been through, can i move on, can i get over myself enough to do the job that i want to. Can i stop wanting to be innocent cause i know i'm not, i just feel like i don't want to change, there's so much responsibility that comes with it and i can't understand it all and i don't think that i will ever be able too.
I don't think i will ever understand life, and not because it's impossible, even though it may be, but more because i will never let myself. I want to believe something else so i end up just not believing in anything cause none of it makes any sense to me whatsoever. I guess it's kinda like ghosts, there are people who absolutely believe in them and people who don't at all, and whenever asked i say i don't know, because i think i've felt ghosts being around before, i've had weird experiences but it doesn't make any sense to me intellectually. like how can there really be things as ghosts, doesn't that mean i have to believe in an afterlife and does that mean that i need to believe in god, more then that do i believe in god, to i believe in christianity. Should I? whats better for me, whats good about it whats bad? what can i accept, what can't i accept, can it be explained to me if i talk to the right people, or are they going to try to brainwash me. How do i have so many questions in my head that i never try to answer. How do you go about answering them when you know that the answers will end up contradicting each other. Should you try anyways, does it matter, do i need to define my life. Can i just live it. Can i forget what i've been through, can i move on, can i get over myself enough to do the job that i want to. Can i stop wanting to be innocent cause i know i'm not, i just feel like i don't want to change, there's so much responsibility that comes with it and i can't understand it all and i don't think that i will ever be able too.