(no subject)
ahhhhhh lj
its been so long since i actually taken the time to write. it was my most powerful means of communication during adolescence. I suspect thats why I stopped, to disassociate myself from pubescent tendencies. as if that would change me or make me any less akward.
lately i feel myself overrun with emotions. mainly anger.
angry that i cant control my emotions.
angry that when i try, i usually just end up suppressing them, thus resulting in anxiety attacks.
angry that so many people in my life are doing well, while I struggle with the fear that i will only ever be more potential, than any success realized.
i
am
exhausted
.
I am over living in the shadow of the people i love.
i am sick and tired of being called and being labeled a brat.
i am even bored with my disatisfaction- so much so that I go through self-destructive phazes- completely rebelling against everything i know is good for me. I get into cycles where i over-indugle as a means of distratcion and avoidance- hoping that by ignoring my emotional issues, that I will some how transform into a normal human being. even if that means being a co-dependent person sleepwalking through existence.
part of me hates myself for getting so wrapped up in fucking mundane day to day drama. I AM MISSING THE BIG PICTURE.
but then i get lost is a philosophical fog- isn't LIFE- in essence, every moment of being? am I having issues because i am not focusing enough on every moment.
i just cant think anymore.
is the price of intellegience over-thinking every measly aspect of my pathetic existence. or am I just flattering my neurosis.
its been so long since i actually taken the time to write. it was my most powerful means of communication during adolescence. I suspect thats why I stopped, to disassociate myself from pubescent tendencies. as if that would change me or make me any less akward.
lately i feel myself overrun with emotions. mainly anger.
angry that i cant control my emotions.
angry that when i try, i usually just end up suppressing them, thus resulting in anxiety attacks.
angry that so many people in my life are doing well, while I struggle with the fear that i will only ever be more potential, than any success realized.
i
am
exhausted
.
I am over living in the shadow of the people i love.
i am sick and tired of being called and being labeled a brat.
i am even bored with my disatisfaction- so much so that I go through self-destructive phazes- completely rebelling against everything i know is good for me. I get into cycles where i over-indugle as a means of distratcion and avoidance- hoping that by ignoring my emotional issues, that I will some how transform into a normal human being. even if that means being a co-dependent person sleepwalking through existence.
part of me hates myself for getting so wrapped up in fucking mundane day to day drama. I AM MISSING THE BIG PICTURE.
but then i get lost is a philosophical fog- isn't LIFE- in essence, every moment of being? am I having issues because i am not focusing enough on every moment.
i just cant think anymore.
is the price of intellegience over-thinking every measly aspect of my pathetic existence. or am I just flattering my neurosis.