Writing and anonymity
Depression often causes anhedonia and lack of motivation. This has certainly been the case with me. I often go back and forth with myself about how long I was experiencing issues before I got to the stage of actually visiting my GP. It's kind of irrelevant really but one argument against it having been as long as I sometimes imagine is the contrast between the strongly held beliefs and views on things I used to have and how I have felt for the last few years.
I used to really love to write, whether it was originally letters to penpals, emails to online friends, lengthy forum posts and then my livejournal on here. A favourable response from the intended audience is always nice and encouraging but I would often do it in the absence of such despite the frustration which sometimes ensued, simply because I liked to get my thoughts out of my head, because the actual writing, concentrating on what I want to say and editing myself as I go along actually helped form my opinions and thoughts better than was possible just through some sort of interior monologue. Obviously for a while something that put a stall on the need for all that exposition was Uli and I actually moving together full time on our own, my actually being at home more and then the kids coming along. Not to mention that I worked too fucking much during our time in West Cork. The needs of others overcame my own in lots of ways and while this is still the case to a certain extent, I need to look after myself a bit too.
I guess for a while I talked about everything and anything to Uli so much that it was unnecessary to have any other vent for my stream of consciousness. That has been less of a feature of our relationship unfortunately as much as we both would like due to normal every day life and the pressures of having kids and trying to maintain a normal life with some difficult challenges like Uli's own depression, her worsening disability and the fact that both kids have the same genetic issue. Not to mention crippling amounts of debt exacerbated by the fact I'm the only one that can actually earn a living while the Irish State seem to have a problem with granting us the Child Benefit every parent is supposedly entitled to and the Northern Ireland authorities don't really see the point in processing something like a disability benefit claim within a reasonable timeframe.
More recently I've got more into Twitter. I used to post quite a lot of status updates on Facebook about various things but by nature they are shortish snippets and when writing essays at school my problem was never how to get to the word count, but always what to cut to stay within it. Even when writing in a different language. Also, these days I have so many family on Facebook and people who barely rank as acquaintances, including some from work, that it's not really a place for pouring your heart out but rather for reposting funny pictures and on occasion taking the piss out of someone. Also, of course, pretending to yourself that seeing someone's name beside a message about their favourite sports team, tv show or a picture of their last night on the tiles is a genuine connection and 'staying in touch'. I prefer Twitter for a few reasons. It makes it very easy to get news, articles, commentary and so on. It also tends towards promoting actual connections and conversations even if they tend to be pretty short lived in most cases. It helped a lot when I realised that it isn't necessary to read every single tweet ever in my feed or to click on every link. If I don't go on for a day or two or even longer there is no real need to catch up. No one cares or knows if I have seen a short message about their breakfast or a particularly devastating insight from a celebrity in 140 characters or less. Although this kind of goes against what I was saying about it being more personal, it does give the benefit of making connections with people on your own terms when you want to and not otherwise. I do also enjoy the accessibility to people you would otherwise never have any insight in to. In the last few days I've had a quick few messages back and forth with an author, two columnists, a university professor, an actual friend I don't see too often and some relatives I never really see. Not that I get validation from others' responses but I have/did always enjoy(ed) other, different opinions and perspectives on things and Twitter offers a great way to get that.
I follow strippers in the US, a news account from Anonymous, a BBC newsreader, three Hollywood actresses, an ex Armagh GAA player, the Garda Siochana traffic account, some Irish DJs and tv presenters, humour accounts, video game accounts, news websites and even some real people. I try to unfollow the random accounts which after a trial period turn out to be less interesting than it seemed, who tweet too prolifically or only clickbait and so on. I think most of the strippers will be ditched in the near future but I took a notion one day, not sure why, and found a whole interesting world of commentary and discussion about what goes on in a section of society I would never really have anything to do with. Next thing could be miners or legal marijuana dealers or offshore workers or scuba divers or anything else that happens to come to mind. As long as they have something interesting and new to say and they aren't functionally illiterate or wildly out of synch with my standards for civilised discourse (which are pretty fast and loose I think). I tend to be way more outspoken and unfiltered on Twitter than I am anywhere else. It combines the ease of reposting something you either agree with, strongly disagree with or just find interesting but feel neutral about, with a really quick and simple way to get a point across without thinking too hard about it first. That's where a lot of the problems arise of course but if you're low profile like me and don't have too many people following you who you actually have to deal with in day to day life on an ongoing basis it can be pretty freeing. Alas, I do actually have quite a few relatives on it these days. My mother even joined recently although I highly doubt she reads a fraction of what gets posted, especially since she follows 128 accounts, and recently replied to a tweet my brother sent her at the beginning of December. Also, when she joined and I expressed some mock(ish) dismay, she told me if I thought my tweets were unacceptable then that's my problem not hers. However, she does have a habit of trying to censor us on Facebook, such as when I made a veiled complaint about work and she told me that I should be careful since my boss' mother is her friend on Facebook and his wife is a friend of the mother. I wasn't too worried I have to admit especially as I would probably have happily said it to his face but there you go!
In the past I did try to keep pretty distinct online and real life identities. They did get a bit mixed up at times, most notably when I got together with someone off the t'internet, had a bunch of them at our wedding and have visited others many times, including being Godfather to one of their children. I think I met most of them so long ago though that the origins of the majority of those people have been consigned to history as far as my family go. It is trickier nowadays as well when all the real life people have also become online people. It used to be the reserve of geeky lonely students in University libraries and bored housewives with nothing better to do during the day (no offence to any of the past or present of either). Now every adult, child, pet and favourite beverage has five different social networking profiles. As time has gone on I've felt less inclination to hide anything or pretend to be someone different than who I am. That isn't always a great thing since my opinion of who I am is often less than stellar but I figure it must imply some sort of confidence or being comfortable in my own skin to go along with the other side of just not caring about what people think or the consequences of same. I also like to think of it as a dislike of censorship and a certainty that I have nothing to be ashamed of but it may be more that I am oblivious and innocent to the possible effect a badly judged tirade might have on myself and others if it got exposure.
Over the past year or two I've had more engagement and interest in external events, a reawakening of my social conscience and my core beliefs of right and wrong (or at least my ethics and standards) have come more to the fore for me again. This is a difficult process as well as a good one as it tends to lead to an awful lot of frustration and anguish about the small and large injustices and the numerous compromises needed to keep on an even keel. At least most of the time I have an opinion, I want to support it and act on it and I can see when I need to change something myself to improve a situation. I haven't always done it but on the occasions I am aware enough to see it I usually try to go against the negative path and take the better or more productive one instead. As far as the writing is concerned it means I have wanted to write about various issues for ages, partly just to get them straight for myself as I said earlier and partly on the off chance it stimulates a bit of debate with whoever, even if it's just my darling wife.
Speaking of her, Santa Claus brought me The Hunger Games trilogy on Christmas morning. We have both been interested in having a look at it for a long time but never got round to it because it's just been in our consciousness because of hype and then the movies, which we very much enjoyed. I finished the book I was reading at the time, some crime fiction I think, and then started in on the first of those with no major expectations. I was blown away. I finished the first book in half a week or so, speeding up as I got further in, read the second one in two or three days and finished the third book within 12 hours or so. The trilogy have jumped on to my top five or so (not that I have an official ranking) stories ever without a doubt. I raved to Uli as much as I could without giving any spoilers not contained in the movies. I may have pointed out some of the differences but I doubt she retained too much of it. A little while after I had finished she also read them, primed by my evident enjoyment and was totally caught up too. Now I have also watched the first movie twice in a week or two and we will be watching the second very soon. I think I might re read them as soon as I get them back from my sister who borrowed them but is too busy with her motherfucking Medical Degree and birthday to read them! I'm not sure how she will do with the series. It might be a bit dark for her liking but then I have been wondering how they are so popular to be honest. The writing is superb, characters amazing, world well thought out and described and the plot moves along at a blistering pace even though there are plenty of descriptions and so on also. There is just so much death and sadness. I found it hard to deal with and I'm not an emotionally unstable, hormonal teenager like the supposed target audience! (Unstable and mostly lacking in emotion perhaps but whatevs.) Anyway, our shared love of this Fantasy/Scifi material is an essential element of what made Uli and I tick in the first place which hasn't really been so present for some time. So that is very welcome. I feel like I should mention Philip Seymour Hoffman, since he died today. When I saw the breaking news on Twitter, my first thought was actually, 'that's going to fuck up the next two Hunger Games movies'. Which is not very deep or necessary charitable to him but it's honest and maybe illustrates something about how we think of what affects ourselves first. It is very sad actually and he was obviously a pretty great actor. There are also possible issues of addiction, etc. which I am interested in professionally but that is a whole other deal.
Which kind of brings me back to the writing and Twitter and anonymity. I have been relatively sure over the last couple of days that I would actually make this post rather than just boot up my computer and constantly refresh Twitter and Facebook and look at 2375 unread mostly junk emails and not deal with them and open tabs I then proceed to ignore. As I thought more about it I considered whether I should go down the more private route in some way by making my Twitter account protected and ditching the crazy followers or just those I don't necessarily want to see everything that might be deemed in any way controversial or making my lj friends only. Otherwise I could just make a new Twitter account, a new blog/journal somewhere with a pseudonym of some sort and put whatever the hell I want there. Or I could stick with the compromise I have gone with before and leave everything as is, don't overtly link my livejournal to Facebook or Twitter and lock it or just don't write it if there is something particularly sensitive it would be best to only reveal to those I have trusted with things in the past (although Heaven only knows if any of them use this any more as I rarely do). My plan for now is to satisfy my need to write about things by putting it on here where it's handy and also has a context of any previous entries even if I can't remember any of it. At the same time I will set it up to post to Twitter (but not Facebook) as I honestly believe that whatever opinions and beliefs I might decide to write about will be and are genuinely held and defensible. Nor do I feel I should have to hide what I think as I try very much to live and work in accordance with what I think is right the vast majority of the time. If I don't, I am uncomfortable with it and certainly am usually quick to recognise my own faults and mistakes and make apology where I feel it is needed. I can always revisit and go somewhat more incognito if the need arises.
Conversely, the fact that it is a reality these days that pretty much anyone can find out whatever the hell they want to about you at the click of a few buttons is somewhat freeing. A desire for privacy is certainly reasonable up to a point and under certain circumstances but I think an expectation of privacy these days online or off is pretty unrealistic. Living in Northern Ireland and being a Catholic I, along with my friends and relatives, have always kind of presumed there was a chance of surveillance of some kind, electronic, through phone calls, on the street or otherwise was a possibility. Now that we all know it's a definitive certainty from various governments and agencies and a good likelihood if someone with a few technical skills decides they would like to do the same there are few ways to react. You can freak out, get completely paranoid and just abandon the world of the internet for fear of what might happen. You can do the research and hard work and make it as difficult as possible to track you or get your details (yes I do have long passwords with numbers and capital letters and so forth and I have used TOR a few times).
Alternatively you can just go the middle ground. Be concerned and talk about it, read up what you have time or inclination to find, maybe sign petitions and such like but generally get on with your normal life in the presumption, possibly mistaken of course, that you are relatively inoffensive small fry in a very big ocean with much bigger issues you are barely even aware of being fought over all the time. If anybody who can really do me serious harm over anything I say every gets around to deciding to do something about it I think we'll definitely need to start looking for the 'Welcome to Dystopia' signs around the place.
I used to really love to write, whether it was originally letters to penpals, emails to online friends, lengthy forum posts and then my livejournal on here. A favourable response from the intended audience is always nice and encouraging but I would often do it in the absence of such despite the frustration which sometimes ensued, simply because I liked to get my thoughts out of my head, because the actual writing, concentrating on what I want to say and editing myself as I go along actually helped form my opinions and thoughts better than was possible just through some sort of interior monologue. Obviously for a while something that put a stall on the need for all that exposition was Uli and I actually moving together full time on our own, my actually being at home more and then the kids coming along. Not to mention that I worked too fucking much during our time in West Cork. The needs of others overcame my own in lots of ways and while this is still the case to a certain extent, I need to look after myself a bit too.
I guess for a while I talked about everything and anything to Uli so much that it was unnecessary to have any other vent for my stream of consciousness. That has been less of a feature of our relationship unfortunately as much as we both would like due to normal every day life and the pressures of having kids and trying to maintain a normal life with some difficult challenges like Uli's own depression, her worsening disability and the fact that both kids have the same genetic issue. Not to mention crippling amounts of debt exacerbated by the fact I'm the only one that can actually earn a living while the Irish State seem to have a problem with granting us the Child Benefit every parent is supposedly entitled to and the Northern Ireland authorities don't really see the point in processing something like a disability benefit claim within a reasonable timeframe.
More recently I've got more into Twitter. I used to post quite a lot of status updates on Facebook about various things but by nature they are shortish snippets and when writing essays at school my problem was never how to get to the word count, but always what to cut to stay within it. Even when writing in a different language. Also, these days I have so many family on Facebook and people who barely rank as acquaintances, including some from work, that it's not really a place for pouring your heart out but rather for reposting funny pictures and on occasion taking the piss out of someone. Also, of course, pretending to yourself that seeing someone's name beside a message about their favourite sports team, tv show or a picture of their last night on the tiles is a genuine connection and 'staying in touch'. I prefer Twitter for a few reasons. It makes it very easy to get news, articles, commentary and so on. It also tends towards promoting actual connections and conversations even if they tend to be pretty short lived in most cases. It helped a lot when I realised that it isn't necessary to read every single tweet ever in my feed or to click on every link. If I don't go on for a day or two or even longer there is no real need to catch up. No one cares or knows if I have seen a short message about their breakfast or a particularly devastating insight from a celebrity in 140 characters or less. Although this kind of goes against what I was saying about it being more personal, it does give the benefit of making connections with people on your own terms when you want to and not otherwise. I do also enjoy the accessibility to people you would otherwise never have any insight in to. In the last few days I've had a quick few messages back and forth with an author, two columnists, a university professor, an actual friend I don't see too often and some relatives I never really see. Not that I get validation from others' responses but I have/did always enjoy(ed) other, different opinions and perspectives on things and Twitter offers a great way to get that.
I follow strippers in the US, a news account from Anonymous, a BBC newsreader, three Hollywood actresses, an ex Armagh GAA player, the Garda Siochana traffic account, some Irish DJs and tv presenters, humour accounts, video game accounts, news websites and even some real people. I try to unfollow the random accounts which after a trial period turn out to be less interesting than it seemed, who tweet too prolifically or only clickbait and so on. I think most of the strippers will be ditched in the near future but I took a notion one day, not sure why, and found a whole interesting world of commentary and discussion about what goes on in a section of society I would never really have anything to do with. Next thing could be miners or legal marijuana dealers or offshore workers or scuba divers or anything else that happens to come to mind. As long as they have something interesting and new to say and they aren't functionally illiterate or wildly out of synch with my standards for civilised discourse (which are pretty fast and loose I think). I tend to be way more outspoken and unfiltered on Twitter than I am anywhere else. It combines the ease of reposting something you either agree with, strongly disagree with or just find interesting but feel neutral about, with a really quick and simple way to get a point across without thinking too hard about it first. That's where a lot of the problems arise of course but if you're low profile like me and don't have too many people following you who you actually have to deal with in day to day life on an ongoing basis it can be pretty freeing. Alas, I do actually have quite a few relatives on it these days. My mother even joined recently although I highly doubt she reads a fraction of what gets posted, especially since she follows 128 accounts, and recently replied to a tweet my brother sent her at the beginning of December. Also, when she joined and I expressed some mock(ish) dismay, she told me if I thought my tweets were unacceptable then that's my problem not hers. However, she does have a habit of trying to censor us on Facebook, such as when I made a veiled complaint about work and she told me that I should be careful since my boss' mother is her friend on Facebook and his wife is a friend of the mother. I wasn't too worried I have to admit especially as I would probably have happily said it to his face but there you go!
In the past I did try to keep pretty distinct online and real life identities. They did get a bit mixed up at times, most notably when I got together with someone off the t'internet, had a bunch of them at our wedding and have visited others many times, including being Godfather to one of their children. I think I met most of them so long ago though that the origins of the majority of those people have been consigned to history as far as my family go. It is trickier nowadays as well when all the real life people have also become online people. It used to be the reserve of geeky lonely students in University libraries and bored housewives with nothing better to do during the day (no offence to any of the past or present of either). Now every adult, child, pet and favourite beverage has five different social networking profiles. As time has gone on I've felt less inclination to hide anything or pretend to be someone different than who I am. That isn't always a great thing since my opinion of who I am is often less than stellar but I figure it must imply some sort of confidence or being comfortable in my own skin to go along with the other side of just not caring about what people think or the consequences of same. I also like to think of it as a dislike of censorship and a certainty that I have nothing to be ashamed of but it may be more that I am oblivious and innocent to the possible effect a badly judged tirade might have on myself and others if it got exposure.
Over the past year or two I've had more engagement and interest in external events, a reawakening of my social conscience and my core beliefs of right and wrong (or at least my ethics and standards) have come more to the fore for me again. This is a difficult process as well as a good one as it tends to lead to an awful lot of frustration and anguish about the small and large injustices and the numerous compromises needed to keep on an even keel. At least most of the time I have an opinion, I want to support it and act on it and I can see when I need to change something myself to improve a situation. I haven't always done it but on the occasions I am aware enough to see it I usually try to go against the negative path and take the better or more productive one instead. As far as the writing is concerned it means I have wanted to write about various issues for ages, partly just to get them straight for myself as I said earlier and partly on the off chance it stimulates a bit of debate with whoever, even if it's just my darling wife.
Speaking of her, Santa Claus brought me The Hunger Games trilogy on Christmas morning. We have both been interested in having a look at it for a long time but never got round to it because it's just been in our consciousness because of hype and then the movies, which we very much enjoyed. I finished the book I was reading at the time, some crime fiction I think, and then started in on the first of those with no major expectations. I was blown away. I finished the first book in half a week or so, speeding up as I got further in, read the second one in two or three days and finished the third book within 12 hours or so. The trilogy have jumped on to my top five or so (not that I have an official ranking) stories ever without a doubt. I raved to Uli as much as I could without giving any spoilers not contained in the movies. I may have pointed out some of the differences but I doubt she retained too much of it. A little while after I had finished she also read them, primed by my evident enjoyment and was totally caught up too. Now I have also watched the first movie twice in a week or two and we will be watching the second very soon. I think I might re read them as soon as I get them back from my sister who borrowed them but is too busy with her motherfucking Medical Degree and birthday to read them! I'm not sure how she will do with the series. It might be a bit dark for her liking but then I have been wondering how they are so popular to be honest. The writing is superb, characters amazing, world well thought out and described and the plot moves along at a blistering pace even though there are plenty of descriptions and so on also. There is just so much death and sadness. I found it hard to deal with and I'm not an emotionally unstable, hormonal teenager like the supposed target audience! (Unstable and mostly lacking in emotion perhaps but whatevs.) Anyway, our shared love of this Fantasy/Scifi material is an essential element of what made Uli and I tick in the first place which hasn't really been so present for some time. So that is very welcome. I feel like I should mention Philip Seymour Hoffman, since he died today. When I saw the breaking news on Twitter, my first thought was actually, 'that's going to fuck up the next two Hunger Games movies'. Which is not very deep or necessary charitable to him but it's honest and maybe illustrates something about how we think of what affects ourselves first. It is very sad actually and he was obviously a pretty great actor. There are also possible issues of addiction, etc. which I am interested in professionally but that is a whole other deal.
Which kind of brings me back to the writing and Twitter and anonymity. I have been relatively sure over the last couple of days that I would actually make this post rather than just boot up my computer and constantly refresh Twitter and Facebook and look at 2375 unread mostly junk emails and not deal with them and open tabs I then proceed to ignore. As I thought more about it I considered whether I should go down the more private route in some way by making my Twitter account protected and ditching the crazy followers or just those I don't necessarily want to see everything that might be deemed in any way controversial or making my lj friends only. Otherwise I could just make a new Twitter account, a new blog/journal somewhere with a pseudonym of some sort and put whatever the hell I want there. Or I could stick with the compromise I have gone with before and leave everything as is, don't overtly link my livejournal to Facebook or Twitter and lock it or just don't write it if there is something particularly sensitive it would be best to only reveal to those I have trusted with things in the past (although Heaven only knows if any of them use this any more as I rarely do). My plan for now is to satisfy my need to write about things by putting it on here where it's handy and also has a context of any previous entries even if I can't remember any of it. At the same time I will set it up to post to Twitter (but not Facebook) as I honestly believe that whatever opinions and beliefs I might decide to write about will be and are genuinely held and defensible. Nor do I feel I should have to hide what I think as I try very much to live and work in accordance with what I think is right the vast majority of the time. If I don't, I am uncomfortable with it and certainly am usually quick to recognise my own faults and mistakes and make apology where I feel it is needed. I can always revisit and go somewhat more incognito if the need arises.
Conversely, the fact that it is a reality these days that pretty much anyone can find out whatever the hell they want to about you at the click of a few buttons is somewhat freeing. A desire for privacy is certainly reasonable up to a point and under certain circumstances but I think an expectation of privacy these days online or off is pretty unrealistic. Living in Northern Ireland and being a Catholic I, along with my friends and relatives, have always kind of presumed there was a chance of surveillance of some kind, electronic, through phone calls, on the street or otherwise was a possibility. Now that we all know it's a definitive certainty from various governments and agencies and a good likelihood if someone with a few technical skills decides they would like to do the same there are few ways to react. You can freak out, get completely paranoid and just abandon the world of the internet for fear of what might happen. You can do the research and hard work and make it as difficult as possible to track you or get your details (yes I do have long passwords with numbers and capital letters and so forth and I have used TOR a few times).
Alternatively you can just go the middle ground. Be concerned and talk about it, read up what you have time or inclination to find, maybe sign petitions and such like but generally get on with your normal life in the presumption, possibly mistaken of course, that you are relatively inoffensive small fry in a very big ocean with much bigger issues you are barely even aware of being fought over all the time. If anybody who can really do me serious harm over anything I say every gets around to deciding to do something about it I think we'll definitely need to start looking for the 'Welcome to Dystopia' signs around the place.