out of the loop, but then again, who's in the loop!?
**jill hurley, i'm going home tomorrow and on monday morning i'm sending your belongings cod to you. i don't think i have your address even though i'm sure you've sent it out to me before. can you please send it again? thank you.**
once again, interesting things have been popping up in my life. decisions that are seemingly hard and appear to be life and death. i don't think anyone should have to feel that way, but yesterday i found myself taking a lovely walk by the beach and wimpering my eyes out. very wet tears were rolling down my cheeks and they were even falling in the unusual places on my face. it seemed as if they were coming out of both corners of my eyes. i had an opportunity pop up about a week ago; an offering to come onto a team of filmmakers from around the world who are going to argentina to shoot a film. the dates are january 15th - april 15th. the only thing is, it's not paid. airfare, room, and board would be on my own.
the first night i found out about this, i couldn't sleep. i stayed up all night praising God for this opportunity because i've been wanting to go somewhere to practice spanish and it's gonna be hot there and finally, i was getting to work on a feature film with internationals and others who've been working in film for awhile.
then two days later, i was offered an interview at the local high school for a position working in their media center, really good pay, benefits, set schedule, week nights and weekends OPEN. you don't understand how long i've been working waitressing jobs just so i can make movies, just so i can remain flexible and available to, at a drop of a hat, GO....and work on a film. i'm disgusted with it at this point. after investing so much of myself and my money into my art and then not being able to hardly make a dime for it. i'm so sick of jumping when they say jump. i'm sick of jumping on everyone elses band wagon. waiting for people to call me. having to call them and encourage them to hire me. encourage them that i'm a good person and that i'm likeable and that i have a good personality. waiting, waiting, waiting. i have a yearning in me to start something of my own.
in the past month, my sister and i have started having meetings; a drawing up of blueprints if you will. plans to start our own production company; a vision, a mission statement. i've been sad since film school ended, wondering how i would ever work with my friends from film school being that they're from different countries. i realized about two weeks ago that the secret was right in front of me. all i have to do is start MY OWN production company and i can hire whomever i want. bingo.
but all this takes money, and money is something i absolutely do not have. because for years now, i've been scrapping and scrounging to make ends meet; just trying to maintain that flexible broke-ass lifestyle to be FREE? to work on films. lately i've been wondering if i belong in the film industry. i think i'm made to make films, but i don't know if it's thru the film "industry"; doing what everyone tells you to do and it's not even allowing your beautiful God given talents to shine.
working at the high school would allow me to save a ton of cash. i'd finally have my own laptop. do you know how embarrassed i've been that i'm 28 and i don't even have a computer? i don't even have a camera? and i call myself a filmmaker? "well, the vision's all up here" i say to myself as i point to my brain. all the while, dying on the inside as my talent stagnates and stories go untold. yes, to have a laptop and a camera and good microphone. that's all i need to tell my stories. if i work at the high school i can save cash like a mad woman, buy some of these things that i need and be in a positive environment.
but at the same time, i would love to go to argentina. to be able to film beautiful actors in a beautiful location and know that the other crew members are all i have for the next 3 months and to know that we all have the same vision and that vision is to get the film done.
at the same time, there's something lacking in my soul. i feel weary and heavy laden and just plain tired. i feel i have nothing left to give to film, because i've been trying to survive mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. it's a shame that i live in anxiety over every minute detail. i want out so bad, but this is something i can't break on my own. God has to do something. it's out of my hands. i feel like i need to remain in chicago for a bit longer. i feel i need to be poured into instead of me pouring out of me all the time. i feel like i need God to do some healing before i can go back out there. i feel like i want to continue living with my aunt, because she's so loving and it feels so wonderful to come home to someone who loves me and wants to be around me. it feels so wonderful to be accepted. i feel like i need something stable to get my bearings back; to get my feet back on the ground; to kick anxiety in its ass. i just need to figure out what it is i'm trying to do again? why am i in film again?
i'm so sensitive these days. lately it seems i'll start crying at the drop of a (tears).
i've been lonely. just doing research on my aunt's computer and then going to the restaurant at night where everyone speaks in spanish and the entire menu's in french and the wines are from all over. i have friends who live downtown who play out on the weekends...it'd be great to see them play sometime.
and lately, i've found myself thinking in espanol. i've been becoming so good at speaking with the people at the restaurant.