Letter To Jen - PRIVATE, PLEASE
Before I say anything else, I want you to know that you’re my best friend, and I love you, and I’d really like to keep it that way. Also, the words The End are at the bottom of this, so if at the end, you don’t see them, let me know so I can send you the rest…
Look, I know you’re probably still pissed at me. That’s fine - what I’m about to say is probably going to piss you off more. But someone needs to say it to you, and I don’t think anyone but me would know you well enough to know it needs to be said, much less say it.
I’ve been waiting to write and send this for a few days now, because I knew that if I sent it right after we fought, everything I said would come out a lot meaner than I meant it to, and I’m not trying to hurt you by anything I say in this. I honestly think they’re things that you need to hear. But, hopefully we’ve both calmed down enough that we can look at the situation rationally, especially without being face to face and having enough time to consider what we say before we say it.
I’m going to more or less rebut your points from the other day, or at least as many as I can remember.
You mentioned that you were sure there were plenty of things that you do that annoy the hell out of me, and, yeah, there are a few. But, honestly, I can easily overlook them. I know that when it comes to true friendship, if you’re not willing to overlook something small that may annoy you, you’ll never be able to work around bigger issues. I’m only going to bring one up at all - like I said, I’m not trying to cause fights or hurt you with this message… thing. I don’t know what to call this really.
Anyway, as I was saying, there’s only one thing that you do that really annoys me, and it’s only come up in the last few months. It’s the fact that when it comes to stuff about Erik, I can’t trust you to keep my confidence. I understand that it puts you in a bit of an awkward place when your two best friends are dating each other, and one of us tells you something about the other, but at the same time, I’m in an awkward place when my best friend is also best friends with my boyfriend and I want to tell you something. I mean, there’s been a lot the last few months that I’ve told you in private, and the very next time we’re with Erik - at least together, I don’t know what you tell him in private - you mention. I mean, I really would like to think that you’re not doing it maliciously, that it’s just an honest misunderstanding, but that’s one of those things that you can never really know, you know? Like, I would LOVE to tell you about some of the things that he said to me last week - things that have honestly changed how I’m viewing my future, things that scare the hell out of me, and things that truly made me the happiest I have ever been. But I don’t know if I can, because I’m worried what I say about it might get back to him, and that he might not have wanted me to tell you what he said, or whatever.
Like I said, that’s really the only thing that bothers me enough to even mention it.
One of the first things you said to me the other day is that not everything is about me, when I asked what I had done to make you mad. I mentioned it then, but what other conclusion was I to come to? I mean, all I knew is that your Mom was pissed at me, for some reason that I still don’t know (but I have a small note about at the end of this that I’d greatly appreciate if you’d pass on to her), and that when we’d talked on Tuesday, you’d hung the phone up sounding like you were angry with me because I wanted to call your Mom and discuss it with her. All I knew after that was that I texted and called you to no response, and that if you were on Facebook when I got on, and I made a post or something, you’d instantly sign off. So tell me, what else was I supposed to think, given only that information.
I will say this, though - I knew it wasn’t just me. I knew something else was upsetting you. Please, PLEASE, don’t get pissed with him, but Erik told me that you had asked him to come over and talk, and that something had happened. He wouldn’t tell me what, and he only told me as much as he did because I was sitting with him crying trying to figure out what I’d done that had upset you so much, and he wanted me to know that even if I had done something, you had other stuff you were dealing with, and that if you decided to tell me, I needed to be there for you. (I just sat looking at him like he was crazy, and asked him why I wouldn’t be there for you - the only thing I can see not being there for you is if you killed Hershey and needed someone to support you through your guilt.) I tried to get more information out of him, because I was worried about you, but he flat out refused and told me to stop asking - so don’t be mad at him because of telling me the little he did.
But, still, I gave it a few days and figured that after that, it was almost certainly not you needing time to deal with whatever the problem was before you told me, and was more likely to be a problem with me. And I was right - yeah, you had other things you were upset about besides me, but you were avoiding me because of problems you had with me, not anyone else.
And you were acting like I should have been instantly asking you what was wrong, what I could do to help, etc. I wasn’t even supposed to know that anything was wrong. Yeah, I would have been there for you in a second, if I had known what was wrong. If you had come to me and said, “Hey, this happened”. Or if you had even answered a call or a text and said, “There’s stuff going down, I don’t want to talk to you for a while.” I would have said, “Alright, I hope everything’s okay, call me if you need someone to talk to”, and I would have backed off because you asked me to - and if it took longer than a week, I would have started badgering you because you’re my best friend and I was worried about you.
You were saying that you didn’t think I’d drop everything and go to you if you needed me. I want to say that no matter what I had to do, I’d drop it and be at your side as soon as I could. In a perfect world, that’s what I’d do. But the world isn’t perfect, and sometimes what you want just isn’t possible. If it was a true emergency - someone was sick/dead/dying, you were sick/dead/dying, etc. - nothing could stop me from being there for you except something truly unavoidable, like not having a car or having a dead car, and even that would only slow me down.
But, Jen, sometimes, as much as I may want to be there for you, I might have stuff I have to do first, or stuff I can’t get out of. Like, if a guy had broken your heart, or you’d gotten in a fight with someone, or you were just plain depressed, or whatever - I’m failing at coming up with good examples at the moment - I’d be there as soon as I could, but I might not be able to be there until other commitments were done. If it would mean I’d miss a dance class, that’s fine, I’ll miss it, no problem; or if I was supposed to be having lunch with someone, I’d call and say something came up. Stuff like that I’d droop instantly. That being said, there’s a lot of things I can’t just up and drop. If I wasn’t supposed to take one of my parent’s cars, I can’t just take it without permission, or my mother really will call the cops and report the car as stolen. (I know for a fact she would, because we were discussing the other day about getting me a car when we thought we’d be selling the Expedition last weekend, and I told her I wouldn’t accept a car that didn’t have my name at least jointly on the title, because I didn’t want her throwing a tantrum and calling the cops. She didn’t even deny it, she admitted she probably would do that. So it really isn’t me just saying this, she would do it.) So I might be stuck until I could convince my father to let me take a car, or until I could find another ride. Or I might have an exam - I’d miss a regular class for you, but college is not like SCA; you don’t get to make up tests for any reason except your own hospitalization, pretty much, and even then they’d prefer advance warning you’re missing it. Or, as much as I know it pissed you off, a required Theta event - yeah, I’d miss a chapter meeting for you, but sometimes we have ceremonies, workshops, retreats, etc., that I’d be fined upwards of $100-$150 for missing, and as much as I love you, I can’t afford that. I’d have to tell you to wait until afterwards. I know you were saying that you’d call into work and have them find someone to cover your shift if it was for me, and stuff, but honestly, Jen - you wouldn’t. This is one of those things that we’d file in the “You’ll Understand When…” files. (You know, how the last year since I went to college, or since I’ve been dating Erik, that we just can’t see eye to eye on no matter how much we discuss it, and you’ll say “maybe it’s something I understand when I get to college”, or “when I have a boyfriend”; something that you can’t see from my point of view.) You’ll find that if you ever have to do that for some reason, it’s not nearly as easy as you think. An employer won’t accept “Something came up” as a valid excuse for not being able to come into work, nor will they accept “My friend’s upset and I need to be there for her” - the closest they’d accept for something like that is “My best friend’s parent/sibling/child/significant-other is in the hospital/dead and they need someone to watch their child/drive them to the hospital/help make arrangements, etc.”
That being said - that whole section was one of those whole, Do As I Say, Not As I Do moments. I tend to rationalize reasons to miss commitments, even if they’re not even remotely valid reasons to miss things, and it’s something I’m trying to fix.
Another thing I’m trying to fix is something you mentioned. I don’t purposefully speak down to you - I honestly don’t even know that I’m doing it. Give me a sec to explain why I do what I do. I’ve told you before that I have a hard time relating to other people due to the way my brain’s wired - it’s one of the ways that I truly believe High-IQ people have a form of Autism, and I intend to write a paper on it one day, with the hopes of causing people to look into it, because too many gifted children end up dropping out of school, working part time jobs, in jail, or dead because they can’t understand other people and it causes other problems, and I’m on a tangent now… Anyway, I have always had a problem with realizing that other people don’t think the same way I do; that not everyone would react to a situation the same way I do. When I correct you on something small, or pedantic, or whatever, it’s not because I’m trying to belittle you. If I have a fact wrong, I would want someone to correct me, no matter the situation or how it would make me look. If I thought I was right even if someone would tell me different, I would debate the point until one of us could prove the answer one way or another, and I would enjoy it. I want my knowledge to be correct. I would also want, if at all possible, someone close to me to point it out to me, rather than make a fool out of myself in front of someone I’m trying to impress, or that I want to think well of me.
When I was discussing this whole situation with Mom, however, she reminded me that I’ve struggled with this my whole life, and that most people don’t feel the same way. That most people don’t want to be corrected over small things. She thinks that it stems from when I was younger and didn’t know I had a high-IQ; all I knew was I was different, and I felt the need to prove myself in some way, and it’s grown to a need to make sure everyone has the correct facts. And if I’ve hurt you some way by doing it, I’m sorry. It’s something I’ve done my entire life, and I do it until someone points it out to me, and then I try not to do it as much. Eventually I forget, though, and start doing it again. But I want you to realize, it’s not just you that I do it to - if I’m talking down to one person, I’m doing it to everyone. It truly is the way my brain is wired, and it’s something that I’m more or less aware of and try to compensate for.
And I in NO way keep you around to make me feel smarter, or think that you’re not smart in any way. You honestly offended me a bit when you said that. Jen, I’ve told you for years that you’re one of the smartest people I know, even when you haven’t believed it yourself. But, Jen (and this is one of those things that I’m going to say in this that is probably going to piss you off, but it’s not intended to), are you sure you’re upset by what I’m doing, and not pushing some of your own self-issues onto me? I’m not presuming to know what you’re thinking, because that annoys the hell out of me when someone does that to me, but I do know you pretty well, and I know that you have self-esteem issues. Don’t try to deny it, it’s true. I’m more book-smart than you, more academically smart. I’m more book-smart than most people. It’s a fact - one I hate, because I hate the way it ostracizes me, but it is a fact. That being said, you’re more… abstractly-smart. I can’t think of a good way to phrase it. You’re so much smarter than me when it comes to people, and relationships, and, well, pretty much life in general. Are you sure that you aren’t allowing your self-esteem issues to compound my tendency to correct people and cause this issue to seem bigger than it is? Because, honestly, I’ve always thought that you tend to think you’re less smart than I am, and you subconsciously allow yourself to assume a role where you act less smart than you are. Are you sure that your own feelings aren’t causing you to project onto me; that you aren’t subconsciously making yourself feel less smart around me rather than me feeling smarter around you?
Here’s another point you made to me that’s along the same lines of self-esteem issues, this time on both sides. Well, two points. You made a comment about how I always say how sexy I am, or whatever. I honestly don’t know where you got that from. I have never said that in my life - I don’t even believe it, so why would I say it? If you’re getting that from how I’ve been more confident now that I’ve lost some weight, and I feel more comfortable with my body, then, yeah, I’ve mentioned how I feel better about myself, that I love that I can look at myself in a mirror and not hate myself, but I in no way feel sexy, nor have I ever said that.
The other point was about how you hate when I say I’m fat. This entire section is probably going to piss you off, and I’m sorry, but I’m not going to mince words. Jen, I’ve struggled with body image issues and a tendency towards eating disorders my whole life. I don’t mean I’ve considered it once or twice. I mean that it’s a daily struggle to remember why I shouldn’t starve myself, or purge, or that I’m already on the lower half of what’s considered a “healthy” weight for my height, not to mention that a lot of the weight on me is muscle, not fat. I have another 20 pounds to go before I hit an unsafe weight for my height, and you can already count every rib I have - I have almost no fat on my body. Logically, I know that. Logically, I know that what I consider to be fat parts of my body is untoned muscle that I lost when I blew my knee out, that I’ve regained the muscle in those sections but haven’t toned it. That being said, I can still know that logically, and hate how my body looks in the mirror. I will never look at myself and be truly happy until I’m the 100 lb, stick thin dancer I used to be. I will never be that again, and I accept that. But I will always think I’m fat. When I diet, for whatever reason, I have to be extremely careful that I don’t go to extremes, and I have to have someone double checking me. When I lose more than 5 pounds between doctor visits, my doctors feel the need to ask me how I lost the weight. My gastroenterologist went so far as to accuse me of being bulimic. I’m not, but medical conditions I do have naturally would also show up in a bulimic. I worry every day that one day I won’t have the self-discipline to stop myself when I think “Oh, just one time won’t hurt”, or “Oh, I can skip dinner, even though I skipped breakfast and lunch, it’ll be okay”. This is a true problem I have - I essentially have lived years in the place that recovering anorexics and bulimics live, the spot where you’re constantly on the brink.
I know that you’re sensitive about your weight, and I do try to avoid bringing the topic up so I don’t inadvertently hurt your feelings. And I’m in no way trying to hurt them now. But you have true issues about your weight - self-issues that no matter what I say, I will never be able to change them. It’s the same as my self-issues about my weight - no matter what anyone says, they’re personal and can only be changed by yourself. But that being said, even though you may have issues about your weight, you can’t expect people to go through life avoiding the topic of weight because you have neuroses about it. I can’t go through life making sure I never mention how I feel about my weight, or how I look in something, because you might have a problem with it. I never have and never will do it to hurt you or belittle you in any way, but you need to realize that you can’t make people walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting you. Like I said, this is something that you need to come to terms with on your own - I speak from experience on this topic.
(Wow, everything’s tying in one thing to another…) Something else you were uncomfortable talking about was my sex life, as you put it. Jen, I’ve never brought the topic up that I can recall - I might have that I’m not remembering, but as far as I can remember, you’ve either asked something about it, or Erik’s mentioned something about it and I’ve made a joke and tried to move the conversation along. I honestly don’t know if I’m not remembering a situation, or if you’re subconsciously grouping me and Erik together as a single entity for this subject, but I do recognize that it’s not something you’re comfortable with, and try to, if not avoid the subject, not start a conversation on it. I was raised to be comfortable with the topic, and the Theta’s are extremely open about this sort of thing, so I may be franker than you’re comfortable with when I do discuss sex, mine or in general. If so, say something, because I don’t always realize it. But I do realize that you don’t want to know about my sex life, so I don’t mention it unless you’ve asked me something, as you have on a few occasions.
Which brings me to the topic that I’m probably most likely to piss you off on - or at least tied for the topic I’m most likely to piss you off on. Erik.
I’m going to be honest. I’m in no way apologizing for any of the situation that went on with Erik, for reasons I’ll explain in a second. I’m not apologizing because even if I inadvertently hurt you, I found an absolutely amazing guy who’s pretty much perfect for me, and even if I don’t end up staying with him forever, though I’d like to, he will always be a part of my life, and has done so much for me, my self-esteem, my view on life, everything. I can’t apologize for something that has obviously changed me for the better. I’m sorry that I can’t apologize, even though you’d probably like me to.
Back before I even met Erik, you’d be talking about him to me, and going on and on about him. I can remember for a period of at least two months saying, “You sound like you have a crush on him.” And for that entire period, you said, “Oh, God no! I would never like Erik like that! He’d be the perfect guy if he just wasn’t… Erik. I would never think of him like that.”
Then, at Six Flags, at least from mine and Erik’s point of view, you were making comments and putting us into situations that seemed more or less designed to pair us off or make us think about each other, etc. Plus, when he did ask me out, you were nearly instantly talking about how you had been hoping we’d get together, you were trying to set us up, etc. Given the fact that you’d insisted for months that you didn’t like him, and that you - right away - said you were trying to set us up, is it wrong of me to have assumed you were telling the truth? I can only work with what’s told to me.
That being said, everything with me and Erik happened extremely fast. He asked me out after just a few hours, and we’d been on a few dates in less than two weeks. Even if I hadn’t already thought of what I just stated - you having said you didn’t like him like that, that you’d set us up - by the time I would have even thought or had a chance to ask you if you liked him, we would have been dating a few weeks, and the damage would have been done. You and I have never even remotely liked the same person, nor have we even really been friends with the same groups of people (guys, at least - I’m friends with a lot of the people in your friend group, but not close to them, just friends in the way that if I see them, or if I’m in a group with them I can get along with them and know stuff about them, but not enough that I’d hang out with them without you or Erik) to like the same person. This situation has never even come close to happening before - I probably wouldn’t have thought to ask you if you liked him even if you hadn’t previously denied it.
And, knowing this, it explains a lot about the last 5 months - in fact, I think it explains more that you were willing to admit the other day. You were saying you were over it, and it was fine, but I honestly don’t think you are totally over it. Whenever Erik and I were together, either with you or on the phone, or I would mention Erik, you would just a little bit more sensitive - you’d get annoyed quicker, or something I’d say would upset you and I couldn’t figure out why, especially if I’d said the same thing before and it never seemed to bother you.
I guess I just wrote it off as you feeling like a third wheel, and that’s what you’d say when I confronted you about it. We (or at least I) did my best to try to make you feel less of a third wheel when we were all together, to a degree. While I didn’t want to upset you, at the same time, I knew I only had a limited time with Erik before he left, and that made us very clingy with each other. So, while we might all have been hanging out together, yeah, I was probably holding Erik’s hand, or he had his arm around me or something, and we didn’t stop from kissing - but we did refrain from any more than chaste kisses or whatever.
I mean, the entire situation was weird for us all summer. I was dating my best friend’s best friend, he was dating his best friend’s best friend, and your best friends were dating. That’s a good sitcom/dramedy plot right there. And since it was so new for all of us, there was a lot of awkwardness and probably hurt feelings that weren’t intended.
But, I dunno. I can’t really even begin to guess what you’re feelings on the whole situation were. I’m not even really presuming to - I’m only going to state how it looks from my point of view, and you can take from that what you will. To me, it looks as if you were either… jealous isn’t really the word I want to use, but I can’t think of the one I want… It looks as if you were either envious, I guess, of me having a boyfriend, or you were envious of me going out with someone you liked, even if I didn’t know it. I can’t help the second one - again, those would all be self-issues, and I can’t help you work those out, as much as I may like to. If you were envious of me having a boyfriend in general and felt like a third wheel… well, I can’t really help with that either, because that’s also mostly self-issues.
And I’ve never once felt like I needed to set you up with someone - hell, not only would you hate me for it, but I barely bagged my own guy, much less one for someone else! You might be subconsciously grouping me with Erik again, because there was one or two times that I can think of that he mentioned setting you up with someone, or, like the time he thought you should ask Garrett McDaniel to prom, or whatever. Here’s my take on the subject. I went through all of high school, and most of my first year of college without a boyfriend. For the foresee-able future, I will be having a long distance boyfriend, which is more or less like not having one - you know you have the guy, but you don’t get a lot of the perks, such as actually seeing him, etc. In some ways, I think that’s better - guys in high school suck. Plus, I had so few people I was around, that I had either known all the guys my whole life, it would be really awkward if we broke up, or I simply wouldn’t date them… ever. And that’s a situation that you’re in at the moment, but I’m not sure you really get it - I mentioned it a few times earlier this summer, but I don’t think my point really got across. The only places you really go are school and work. I don’t know about your work, but SCA has… maybe 50-75 high schoolers total. If you consider you’d want someone around your age, that limits you to your year and the year below you. That gives you 25-35 people, roughly half of that are guys, so 13-18 guys probably. I don’t know how you feel, but the afternoon students are normally assholes, so halve that again. That gives you, what, 6-9 guys that would even be considerable. Then you go into what they’re like, if they’re already dating someone, whether you’d even go out with them, etc. The chances of finding someone you’d date in that pool of 6-9 guys is incredibly slim. Plus, you probably have all the same friends, which means that if you break up, everyone will know the details, and you’ll have to, even if you manage to avoid seeing him, hear about him all the time.
And to be blunt, you have an added hardship when it comes to teenage guys. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - through no fault of your own, teenage guys are shallow. You’re heavy - you’re not morbidly obese, you’re not even fat. You’re heavy. It’s not a bad thing - I’ve said for years that you’re the most gorgeous person I know - you have, like, perfect hair, perfect skin, gorgeous features, you always go the extra mile to look nice - and you always act bubbly and outgoing, with a smile on your face, so it’s hard to even notice. Hell, I just see a gorgeous teenage girl with a huge personality. But teenage guys - especially high school guys, it dies down some in college - don’t look past the body. It’s not your fault. And I’ve said all summer - you look the best I’ve ever seen you, not that you ever looked bad, I thought, but you’re the slimmest I’ve ever seen you, and you at least seem like you’ve gotten a lot more self-confidence this summer, which helps tremendously. But until you get a bit older, and the guys you’ll be around get a bit older, yeah, you might not have a boyfriend. And that’s just a fact of life. It sucks, but it is.
Anyway, back up a tangent or two. It seemed to me that you were… envious, I guess, of me having a boyfriend. And, I don’t know if you were doing it subconsciously or you just didn’t realize how they were coming across - especially because I’d like to hope you weren’t doing them maliciously, but I guess I don’t know for sure - but you would make comments when me and Erik were together that… I don’t know if they stemmed from you having a crush on him and being angry, or envy that I had a boyfriend, or some third reason I don’t know, or whatever, but they seemed almost meant to cause problems between us. Like I mentioned at the beginning of all this - comments that I had said in private, or things like telling him you thought we should get engaged, or how you kept pestering me (in front of him in particular) to tell him I loved him. I truly hope that you just didn’t realize how they were coming across, and they weren’t malicious, but they made us very uncomfortable, especially about us saying I love you to each other. That is something that’s really between us, and not only do you not know all the details that we’ve discussed between ourselves on the topic, but is something that’s very personal, and will happen when it happens. And, I’m on another tangent. Anyway, it just appeared that you were more angry than you were letting on, or whatever, and it was slipping through or what not.
Okay, I have one more point I want to address from the other day, and then - I think - I had one or two more things I wanted to mention beyond that… I’m going on my 5th hour of writing this… This is the other point I think is going to piss you off the most.
I want to apologize for what I said at the end of our conversation the other day, or more specifically, how I said it. I’m not sorry for what I said, but it came out… wrong. By the end of our conversation… I wasn’t really angry, but I had a chip on my shoulder. I went into the meeting between us expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I’ve just… it’s something I do now to avoid being hurt by people. If you’re prepared for the worst, they can’t disappoint you. (Which, backing up toward the top of this thing, I don’t know if you noticed it, but you spent the entire meeting talking down to me, even though it was one of the things you were mad at me about.) I assume it’s because you felt you were right in everything you said, but it seemed almost like you were trying to make me feel small. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t let that happen to me anymore, whether it was my mother or someone else doing it to me, and in doing that, developed a very large chip on my shoulder, and it comes out when people do try to make me feel small, or it seems that way,
In addition, I felt like you were being really hypocritical about the entire situation. The very first thing you said to me was that it wasn’t all about me, but you were making it all about you from the very beginning. It was all about how you felt hurt and slighted - barely giving me a chance to respond, much less bring up my own points. That being said, I wouldn’t have done more than I did, which was respond to a few of your points that seemed outlandish or just plain stupid to me, and all I did was defend myself. I didn’t want to make the situation any worse than before.
That being said, I think I did. I was trying to make a necessary point, but it came off all wrong. I didn’t intend for my statement to seem like, “Boo hoo, your sister’s pregnant, so what?”, but that’s more or less how it came out, and I’m sorry for that. I know it probably hurt you, and I didn’t intend for that. By that point, I was annoyed, and the point I had intended to make got lost. That being said, I did have a point that needs to be made correctly.
Yes, your sister’s pregnant. Boo hoo. Okay, it’s not so different. But it is - hear me out. Nichole is almost 30. Last I heard, she wasn’t in jail or up for any charges, she had a house, a job, a car. I don’t know about the place she was in when she had Nick, but if I remember correctly, that’s a hell of a lot better place than she was in when she had Jacob. Yes, depending on how much Nichole leans on you guys for help, it may cause problems for your family, monetarily and otherwise. That being said, she’s old enough that she should be able to rely on herself, now. She made the choices that led to her becoming pregnant - that’s not your problem whatsoever. It may have been a complete accident, she could have been having totally unprotected sex. I don’t know the situation, but chances are she made her decisions, and now has to deal with the consequences, as much as I hate to refer to a child as a consequence. (And I will say this as a side note - when you first found out I was sleeping with Erik, you were upset because of Nichole’s decisions and stuff. I don’t know if you know this, but me and Erik discussed at length, back when we first started sleeping together, what would happen if I got pregnant - and I mean, at length. We discussed every possible decision we could make in that situation, because we were making a choice, and would have to deal with the consequences of that choice.)
Now, this could be just one more thing on top of a list of things I know nothing about, but this alone is not something for you to work yourself into a depression over. Like I said, Nichole’s an adult, and any choices she might make at this point, good or bad, are her choices, and while you may not agree with them, or they may just plain be wrong - for example, if she was using drugs while she was pregnant, unless they were prescribed by a doctor and used correctly, that’d plain be wrong - they’re her choices, and you have no responsibility to feel any sort of remorse or guilt for them, and knowing Nichole and choices she’s made in the past, you may simply want to come to terms with the fact that you may not agree with some, if not most or all of the choices she has and will make. So, while I’m more than willing to support you and all during this, at the same time, I’m not going to pity you for her choice. It may seem callous or harsh, but… it’s kinda true.
Also, I think that the biggest reason that this whole thing seems so huge is because you didn't mention these things as they bothered you, and let them bottle up rather than mention them to me. Not only did that leave me completely unaware of what was going on, but it probably festered inside you until everything seemed even worse.
Ummm… I think that covers everything from our meeting the other day… I think I managed to work in everything else I had wanted to say… I’m sure I’m forgetting something… I’ll reiterate that until you come to terms with your own self-issues, and at least accept that you have them and try to compensate for them, you’ll still have trouble…
Oh! The other thing I wanted to say! You mentioned that maybe we needed some time to mature. I agree and disagree with that. I disagree with that because us maturing apart wouldn’t be any different than if we matured together. It simply wouldn’t. That being said, you can be incredibly naïve at times. I don’t mean it as a bad thing, or at least not wholly. It’s just… there are times when you’re incredibly idealistic about stuff, and when you’re like that, anything I say will sound harsh, mean, and like I’m talking down to you. It may be stuff that you just haven’t had to deal with in life yet, or stuff that you’ve romanticized in your head, like me and Erik telling each other that we love each other, which kind of falls in both categories, but you know what I mean. I love that you can still be that naïve, especially having known how much shit you’ve gone through in your life, just like I have, but at the same time, I think it compounds problems like this.
I guess that’s really all I have to say. I really want to get through this - you’re my best friend, and you have been for ages, and I love you. But at the same time, you’re angry with me, even if I don’t agree with all the reasons, and I can understand if you can’t get over these things, especially the ones that appear to have a lot to do with you and you understanding yourself. I would love for us to continue being best friends for the foresee-able future, for you to be my maid of honor when I get married, and - like I mentioned not to long ago - to be the godmother of my kids so you can fix them when I screw them up. But, if nothing else, I’d like to at least have our friendship at the point that we can be civil with each other. Hell, at the very least, I will always be friendly to you, and you can always come to me with stuff. But even if it’s only one sided, I will always be friendly to you, if for no other reason than for Erik - he wants absolutely nothing more for us to make up. Every time I’ve talked to him since he left, he’s asked how we are, and I hate that it’s hurting him every time I have to say we’re still fighting. I will not put him in the position that he has to chose between the two of us, and I will support him if he ever has to. But I would like to see us get over this, if not for us, for him. He’s done nothing wrong, but has been put in the middle of the entire situation.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far without getting pissed, deleting this, or simply stopping because it’s so long (11 pages on MS Word), I’ve said everything I wanted to say. I think you need to consider what I’ve said, and look at yourself the same way I have the last few days. I’ve more or less written this 20 or 30 times in my head and out loud as I worked out how I felt, and why I felt the way I did, so I could get it on paper. Maybe you need to do the same. I don’t know. Hell, maybe we need to just put ourselves in a car somewhere in the middle of an empty parking lot or field or something, and just fight it out. Just, remember that you’re my best friend, and I will always love you, no matter what.
***
Also, I still don’t know what your Mom’s pissed at me about, if she was pissed about Nichole and something I did compounded it, I don’t know. I’d still love to talk to her about it, or at least email her, but I’ll respect your wishes about the topic. I did discuss it with Mom, though, and found out that some of the things your Mom might think about me aren’t true. So, there are two things I’d like you to tell her for me, more or less word for word if possible:
I honestly don’t know what I could have done that’s upset your mother so much. As far as I can tell, it started about the time when I started dating Erik. I don’t know if or how that could have caused a problem, but when I discussed it with Mom, she mentioned some things that she’d discussed with your mother that we realized were misinformed, due to misunderstandings, or misinformation, or whatever. There are two things that we could come up with that could make her think that I’m a bad influence, and both probably stem from misunderstandings. The first might get you in trouble, but I’d really appreciate it if she knew the truth. The time we went to Naan over Spring Break, when we had the drinks? Anyway, apparently Nichole told your mother that I ordered the Apple Martini, and she turned a blind eye to it so she wouldn’t be the bad guy, and that she wasn’t sure where the shots came from, but she thought I might have gotten them. Anyway, Mom thinks that your mom probably thinks I was pressuring you to drink. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell your mom that not only did I not order them, but I couldn’t have - they would have checked my ID, which says I’m not 21, I’m not stupid enough to have a fake one, and Nichole wasn’t related to me therefore couldn’t order for me. I’d appreciate if you’d set the record straight that you’d asked Nichole to get the martini for you, and that when she didn’t want to split it with you, I offered to drink what you didn’t want when you were worried about it going to waste, and that that one guy sent the shots over to us, no one ordered them. I’d also appreciate if you’d tell her that I wouldn’t ask someone to order me a drink, period. If someone offered me one, I might accept depending on the circumstances, but I would never even consider asking someone to break the law for me.
The other point I’d like to have you set straight with your mother for me is that night you got the tickets. As far as I know, all your mother knows is that I had told Mom we were in the apartment. I do want to set the record straight that even though I did lie to my mother about that, it was the only time I’ve ever lied about where I was, and was due to extenuating circumstances. She wouldn’t have cared where I was, especially because Erik was there and I knew he wouldn’t put you or I in a situation where we’d be in any harm. You were the only one with a car, and you made the decision to go without my input - I simply told you to make a decision one way or the other. I was just along for the ride. Yes, I would have enjoyed spending some time with my boyfriend, but since he fell asleep 5 minutes after we got there, it was a moot point. I was going because you were driving, and because you had a crush on Jonny and I wasn’t going to begrudge you the chance to spend some time with him. The only reason I lied to Mom at all was because I knew you had already called your mother and said we were at my apartment, and I didn’t want to put Mom in the awkward place of either not knowing your mom didn’t know and let something slip, or knowing your mom didn’t know and feeling obligated to tell her and get you in trouble, but also because she hadn’t been feeling well, but would have stayed up until we got back to the apartment to make sure we got there alright, and I knew she needed to sleep. It hasn’t happened previously or since.
***
Okay, now that I’m almost at the bottom of my 12th page, I really am done.
The End.
Look, I know you’re probably still pissed at me. That’s fine - what I’m about to say is probably going to piss you off more. But someone needs to say it to you, and I don’t think anyone but me would know you well enough to know it needs to be said, much less say it.
I’ve been waiting to write and send this for a few days now, because I knew that if I sent it right after we fought, everything I said would come out a lot meaner than I meant it to, and I’m not trying to hurt you by anything I say in this. I honestly think they’re things that you need to hear. But, hopefully we’ve both calmed down enough that we can look at the situation rationally, especially without being face to face and having enough time to consider what we say before we say it.
I’m going to more or less rebut your points from the other day, or at least as many as I can remember.
You mentioned that you were sure there were plenty of things that you do that annoy the hell out of me, and, yeah, there are a few. But, honestly, I can easily overlook them. I know that when it comes to true friendship, if you’re not willing to overlook something small that may annoy you, you’ll never be able to work around bigger issues. I’m only going to bring one up at all - like I said, I’m not trying to cause fights or hurt you with this message… thing. I don’t know what to call this really.
Anyway, as I was saying, there’s only one thing that you do that really annoys me, and it’s only come up in the last few months. It’s the fact that when it comes to stuff about Erik, I can’t trust you to keep my confidence. I understand that it puts you in a bit of an awkward place when your two best friends are dating each other, and one of us tells you something about the other, but at the same time, I’m in an awkward place when my best friend is also best friends with my boyfriend and I want to tell you something. I mean, there’s been a lot the last few months that I’ve told you in private, and the very next time we’re with Erik - at least together, I don’t know what you tell him in private - you mention. I mean, I really would like to think that you’re not doing it maliciously, that it’s just an honest misunderstanding, but that’s one of those things that you can never really know, you know? Like, I would LOVE to tell you about some of the things that he said to me last week - things that have honestly changed how I’m viewing my future, things that scare the hell out of me, and things that truly made me the happiest I have ever been. But I don’t know if I can, because I’m worried what I say about it might get back to him, and that he might not have wanted me to tell you what he said, or whatever.
Like I said, that’s really the only thing that bothers me enough to even mention it.
One of the first things you said to me the other day is that not everything is about me, when I asked what I had done to make you mad. I mentioned it then, but what other conclusion was I to come to? I mean, all I knew is that your Mom was pissed at me, for some reason that I still don’t know (but I have a small note about at the end of this that I’d greatly appreciate if you’d pass on to her), and that when we’d talked on Tuesday, you’d hung the phone up sounding like you were angry with me because I wanted to call your Mom and discuss it with her. All I knew after that was that I texted and called you to no response, and that if you were on Facebook when I got on, and I made a post or something, you’d instantly sign off. So tell me, what else was I supposed to think, given only that information.
I will say this, though - I knew it wasn’t just me. I knew something else was upsetting you. Please, PLEASE, don’t get pissed with him, but Erik told me that you had asked him to come over and talk, and that something had happened. He wouldn’t tell me what, and he only told me as much as he did because I was sitting with him crying trying to figure out what I’d done that had upset you so much, and he wanted me to know that even if I had done something, you had other stuff you were dealing with, and that if you decided to tell me, I needed to be there for you. (I just sat looking at him like he was crazy, and asked him why I wouldn’t be there for you - the only thing I can see not being there for you is if you killed Hershey and needed someone to support you through your guilt.) I tried to get more information out of him, because I was worried about you, but he flat out refused and told me to stop asking - so don’t be mad at him because of telling me the little he did.
But, still, I gave it a few days and figured that after that, it was almost certainly not you needing time to deal with whatever the problem was before you told me, and was more likely to be a problem with me. And I was right - yeah, you had other things you were upset about besides me, but you were avoiding me because of problems you had with me, not anyone else.
And you were acting like I should have been instantly asking you what was wrong, what I could do to help, etc. I wasn’t even supposed to know that anything was wrong. Yeah, I would have been there for you in a second, if I had known what was wrong. If you had come to me and said, “Hey, this happened”. Or if you had even answered a call or a text and said, “There’s stuff going down, I don’t want to talk to you for a while.” I would have said, “Alright, I hope everything’s okay, call me if you need someone to talk to”, and I would have backed off because you asked me to - and if it took longer than a week, I would have started badgering you because you’re my best friend and I was worried about you.
You were saying that you didn’t think I’d drop everything and go to you if you needed me. I want to say that no matter what I had to do, I’d drop it and be at your side as soon as I could. In a perfect world, that’s what I’d do. But the world isn’t perfect, and sometimes what you want just isn’t possible. If it was a true emergency - someone was sick/dead/dying, you were sick/dead/dying, etc. - nothing could stop me from being there for you except something truly unavoidable, like not having a car or having a dead car, and even that would only slow me down.
But, Jen, sometimes, as much as I may want to be there for you, I might have stuff I have to do first, or stuff I can’t get out of. Like, if a guy had broken your heart, or you’d gotten in a fight with someone, or you were just plain depressed, or whatever - I’m failing at coming up with good examples at the moment - I’d be there as soon as I could, but I might not be able to be there until other commitments were done. If it would mean I’d miss a dance class, that’s fine, I’ll miss it, no problem; or if I was supposed to be having lunch with someone, I’d call and say something came up. Stuff like that I’d droop instantly. That being said, there’s a lot of things I can’t just up and drop. If I wasn’t supposed to take one of my parent’s cars, I can’t just take it without permission, or my mother really will call the cops and report the car as stolen. (I know for a fact she would, because we were discussing the other day about getting me a car when we thought we’d be selling the Expedition last weekend, and I told her I wouldn’t accept a car that didn’t have my name at least jointly on the title, because I didn’t want her throwing a tantrum and calling the cops. She didn’t even deny it, she admitted she probably would do that. So it really isn’t me just saying this, she would do it.) So I might be stuck until I could convince my father to let me take a car, or until I could find another ride. Or I might have an exam - I’d miss a regular class for you, but college is not like SCA; you don’t get to make up tests for any reason except your own hospitalization, pretty much, and even then they’d prefer advance warning you’re missing it. Or, as much as I know it pissed you off, a required Theta event - yeah, I’d miss a chapter meeting for you, but sometimes we have ceremonies, workshops, retreats, etc., that I’d be fined upwards of $100-$150 for missing, and as much as I love you, I can’t afford that. I’d have to tell you to wait until afterwards. I know you were saying that you’d call into work and have them find someone to cover your shift if it was for me, and stuff, but honestly, Jen - you wouldn’t. This is one of those things that we’d file in the “You’ll Understand When…” files. (You know, how the last year since I went to college, or since I’ve been dating Erik, that we just can’t see eye to eye on no matter how much we discuss it, and you’ll say “maybe it’s something I understand when I get to college”, or “when I have a boyfriend”; something that you can’t see from my point of view.) You’ll find that if you ever have to do that for some reason, it’s not nearly as easy as you think. An employer won’t accept “Something came up” as a valid excuse for not being able to come into work, nor will they accept “My friend’s upset and I need to be there for her” - the closest they’d accept for something like that is “My best friend’s parent/sibling/child/significant-other is in the hospital/dead and they need someone to watch their child/drive them to the hospital/help make arrangements, etc.”
That being said - that whole section was one of those whole, Do As I Say, Not As I Do moments. I tend to rationalize reasons to miss commitments, even if they’re not even remotely valid reasons to miss things, and it’s something I’m trying to fix.
Another thing I’m trying to fix is something you mentioned. I don’t purposefully speak down to you - I honestly don’t even know that I’m doing it. Give me a sec to explain why I do what I do. I’ve told you before that I have a hard time relating to other people due to the way my brain’s wired - it’s one of the ways that I truly believe High-IQ people have a form of Autism, and I intend to write a paper on it one day, with the hopes of causing people to look into it, because too many gifted children end up dropping out of school, working part time jobs, in jail, or dead because they can’t understand other people and it causes other problems, and I’m on a tangent now… Anyway, I have always had a problem with realizing that other people don’t think the same way I do; that not everyone would react to a situation the same way I do. When I correct you on something small, or pedantic, or whatever, it’s not because I’m trying to belittle you. If I have a fact wrong, I would want someone to correct me, no matter the situation or how it would make me look. If I thought I was right even if someone would tell me different, I would debate the point until one of us could prove the answer one way or another, and I would enjoy it. I want my knowledge to be correct. I would also want, if at all possible, someone close to me to point it out to me, rather than make a fool out of myself in front of someone I’m trying to impress, or that I want to think well of me.
When I was discussing this whole situation with Mom, however, she reminded me that I’ve struggled with this my whole life, and that most people don’t feel the same way. That most people don’t want to be corrected over small things. She thinks that it stems from when I was younger and didn’t know I had a high-IQ; all I knew was I was different, and I felt the need to prove myself in some way, and it’s grown to a need to make sure everyone has the correct facts. And if I’ve hurt you some way by doing it, I’m sorry. It’s something I’ve done my entire life, and I do it until someone points it out to me, and then I try not to do it as much. Eventually I forget, though, and start doing it again. But I want you to realize, it’s not just you that I do it to - if I’m talking down to one person, I’m doing it to everyone. It truly is the way my brain is wired, and it’s something that I’m more or less aware of and try to compensate for.
And I in NO way keep you around to make me feel smarter, or think that you’re not smart in any way. You honestly offended me a bit when you said that. Jen, I’ve told you for years that you’re one of the smartest people I know, even when you haven’t believed it yourself. But, Jen (and this is one of those things that I’m going to say in this that is probably going to piss you off, but it’s not intended to), are you sure you’re upset by what I’m doing, and not pushing some of your own self-issues onto me? I’m not presuming to know what you’re thinking, because that annoys the hell out of me when someone does that to me, but I do know you pretty well, and I know that you have self-esteem issues. Don’t try to deny it, it’s true. I’m more book-smart than you, more academically smart. I’m more book-smart than most people. It’s a fact - one I hate, because I hate the way it ostracizes me, but it is a fact. That being said, you’re more… abstractly-smart. I can’t think of a good way to phrase it. You’re so much smarter than me when it comes to people, and relationships, and, well, pretty much life in general. Are you sure that you aren’t allowing your self-esteem issues to compound my tendency to correct people and cause this issue to seem bigger than it is? Because, honestly, I’ve always thought that you tend to think you’re less smart than I am, and you subconsciously allow yourself to assume a role where you act less smart than you are. Are you sure that your own feelings aren’t causing you to project onto me; that you aren’t subconsciously making yourself feel less smart around me rather than me feeling smarter around you?
Here’s another point you made to me that’s along the same lines of self-esteem issues, this time on both sides. Well, two points. You made a comment about how I always say how sexy I am, or whatever. I honestly don’t know where you got that from. I have never said that in my life - I don’t even believe it, so why would I say it? If you’re getting that from how I’ve been more confident now that I’ve lost some weight, and I feel more comfortable with my body, then, yeah, I’ve mentioned how I feel better about myself, that I love that I can look at myself in a mirror and not hate myself, but I in no way feel sexy, nor have I ever said that.
The other point was about how you hate when I say I’m fat. This entire section is probably going to piss you off, and I’m sorry, but I’m not going to mince words. Jen, I’ve struggled with body image issues and a tendency towards eating disorders my whole life. I don’t mean I’ve considered it once or twice. I mean that it’s a daily struggle to remember why I shouldn’t starve myself, or purge, or that I’m already on the lower half of what’s considered a “healthy” weight for my height, not to mention that a lot of the weight on me is muscle, not fat. I have another 20 pounds to go before I hit an unsafe weight for my height, and you can already count every rib I have - I have almost no fat on my body. Logically, I know that. Logically, I know that what I consider to be fat parts of my body is untoned muscle that I lost when I blew my knee out, that I’ve regained the muscle in those sections but haven’t toned it. That being said, I can still know that logically, and hate how my body looks in the mirror. I will never look at myself and be truly happy until I’m the 100 lb, stick thin dancer I used to be. I will never be that again, and I accept that. But I will always think I’m fat. When I diet, for whatever reason, I have to be extremely careful that I don’t go to extremes, and I have to have someone double checking me. When I lose more than 5 pounds between doctor visits, my doctors feel the need to ask me how I lost the weight. My gastroenterologist went so far as to accuse me of being bulimic. I’m not, but medical conditions I do have naturally would also show up in a bulimic. I worry every day that one day I won’t have the self-discipline to stop myself when I think “Oh, just one time won’t hurt”, or “Oh, I can skip dinner, even though I skipped breakfast and lunch, it’ll be okay”. This is a true problem I have - I essentially have lived years in the place that recovering anorexics and bulimics live, the spot where you’re constantly on the brink.
I know that you’re sensitive about your weight, and I do try to avoid bringing the topic up so I don’t inadvertently hurt your feelings. And I’m in no way trying to hurt them now. But you have true issues about your weight - self-issues that no matter what I say, I will never be able to change them. It’s the same as my self-issues about my weight - no matter what anyone says, they’re personal and can only be changed by yourself. But that being said, even though you may have issues about your weight, you can’t expect people to go through life avoiding the topic of weight because you have neuroses about it. I can’t go through life making sure I never mention how I feel about my weight, or how I look in something, because you might have a problem with it. I never have and never will do it to hurt you or belittle you in any way, but you need to realize that you can’t make people walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting you. Like I said, this is something that you need to come to terms with on your own - I speak from experience on this topic.
(Wow, everything’s tying in one thing to another…) Something else you were uncomfortable talking about was my sex life, as you put it. Jen, I’ve never brought the topic up that I can recall - I might have that I’m not remembering, but as far as I can remember, you’ve either asked something about it, or Erik’s mentioned something about it and I’ve made a joke and tried to move the conversation along. I honestly don’t know if I’m not remembering a situation, or if you’re subconsciously grouping me and Erik together as a single entity for this subject, but I do recognize that it’s not something you’re comfortable with, and try to, if not avoid the subject, not start a conversation on it. I was raised to be comfortable with the topic, and the Theta’s are extremely open about this sort of thing, so I may be franker than you’re comfortable with when I do discuss sex, mine or in general. If so, say something, because I don’t always realize it. But I do realize that you don’t want to know about my sex life, so I don’t mention it unless you’ve asked me something, as you have on a few occasions.
Which brings me to the topic that I’m probably most likely to piss you off on - or at least tied for the topic I’m most likely to piss you off on. Erik.
I’m going to be honest. I’m in no way apologizing for any of the situation that went on with Erik, for reasons I’ll explain in a second. I’m not apologizing because even if I inadvertently hurt you, I found an absolutely amazing guy who’s pretty much perfect for me, and even if I don’t end up staying with him forever, though I’d like to, he will always be a part of my life, and has done so much for me, my self-esteem, my view on life, everything. I can’t apologize for something that has obviously changed me for the better. I’m sorry that I can’t apologize, even though you’d probably like me to.
Back before I even met Erik, you’d be talking about him to me, and going on and on about him. I can remember for a period of at least two months saying, “You sound like you have a crush on him.” And for that entire period, you said, “Oh, God no! I would never like Erik like that! He’d be the perfect guy if he just wasn’t… Erik. I would never think of him like that.”
Then, at Six Flags, at least from mine and Erik’s point of view, you were making comments and putting us into situations that seemed more or less designed to pair us off or make us think about each other, etc. Plus, when he did ask me out, you were nearly instantly talking about how you had been hoping we’d get together, you were trying to set us up, etc. Given the fact that you’d insisted for months that you didn’t like him, and that you - right away - said you were trying to set us up, is it wrong of me to have assumed you were telling the truth? I can only work with what’s told to me.
That being said, everything with me and Erik happened extremely fast. He asked me out after just a few hours, and we’d been on a few dates in less than two weeks. Even if I hadn’t already thought of what I just stated - you having said you didn’t like him like that, that you’d set us up - by the time I would have even thought or had a chance to ask you if you liked him, we would have been dating a few weeks, and the damage would have been done. You and I have never even remotely liked the same person, nor have we even really been friends with the same groups of people (guys, at least - I’m friends with a lot of the people in your friend group, but not close to them, just friends in the way that if I see them, or if I’m in a group with them I can get along with them and know stuff about them, but not enough that I’d hang out with them without you or Erik) to like the same person. This situation has never even come close to happening before - I probably wouldn’t have thought to ask you if you liked him even if you hadn’t previously denied it.
And, knowing this, it explains a lot about the last 5 months - in fact, I think it explains more that you were willing to admit the other day. You were saying you were over it, and it was fine, but I honestly don’t think you are totally over it. Whenever Erik and I were together, either with you or on the phone, or I would mention Erik, you would just a little bit more sensitive - you’d get annoyed quicker, or something I’d say would upset you and I couldn’t figure out why, especially if I’d said the same thing before and it never seemed to bother you.
I guess I just wrote it off as you feeling like a third wheel, and that’s what you’d say when I confronted you about it. We (or at least I) did my best to try to make you feel less of a third wheel when we were all together, to a degree. While I didn’t want to upset you, at the same time, I knew I only had a limited time with Erik before he left, and that made us very clingy with each other. So, while we might all have been hanging out together, yeah, I was probably holding Erik’s hand, or he had his arm around me or something, and we didn’t stop from kissing - but we did refrain from any more than chaste kisses or whatever.
I mean, the entire situation was weird for us all summer. I was dating my best friend’s best friend, he was dating his best friend’s best friend, and your best friends were dating. That’s a good sitcom/dramedy plot right there. And since it was so new for all of us, there was a lot of awkwardness and probably hurt feelings that weren’t intended.
But, I dunno. I can’t really even begin to guess what you’re feelings on the whole situation were. I’m not even really presuming to - I’m only going to state how it looks from my point of view, and you can take from that what you will. To me, it looks as if you were either… jealous isn’t really the word I want to use, but I can’t think of the one I want… It looks as if you were either envious, I guess, of me having a boyfriend, or you were envious of me going out with someone you liked, even if I didn’t know it. I can’t help the second one - again, those would all be self-issues, and I can’t help you work those out, as much as I may like to. If you were envious of me having a boyfriend in general and felt like a third wheel… well, I can’t really help with that either, because that’s also mostly self-issues.
And I’ve never once felt like I needed to set you up with someone - hell, not only would you hate me for it, but I barely bagged my own guy, much less one for someone else! You might be subconsciously grouping me with Erik again, because there was one or two times that I can think of that he mentioned setting you up with someone, or, like the time he thought you should ask Garrett McDaniel to prom, or whatever. Here’s my take on the subject. I went through all of high school, and most of my first year of college without a boyfriend. For the foresee-able future, I will be having a long distance boyfriend, which is more or less like not having one - you know you have the guy, but you don’t get a lot of the perks, such as actually seeing him, etc. In some ways, I think that’s better - guys in high school suck. Plus, I had so few people I was around, that I had either known all the guys my whole life, it would be really awkward if we broke up, or I simply wouldn’t date them… ever. And that’s a situation that you’re in at the moment, but I’m not sure you really get it - I mentioned it a few times earlier this summer, but I don’t think my point really got across. The only places you really go are school and work. I don’t know about your work, but SCA has… maybe 50-75 high schoolers total. If you consider you’d want someone around your age, that limits you to your year and the year below you. That gives you 25-35 people, roughly half of that are guys, so 13-18 guys probably. I don’t know how you feel, but the afternoon students are normally assholes, so halve that again. That gives you, what, 6-9 guys that would even be considerable. Then you go into what they’re like, if they’re already dating someone, whether you’d even go out with them, etc. The chances of finding someone you’d date in that pool of 6-9 guys is incredibly slim. Plus, you probably have all the same friends, which means that if you break up, everyone will know the details, and you’ll have to, even if you manage to avoid seeing him, hear about him all the time.
And to be blunt, you have an added hardship when it comes to teenage guys. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - through no fault of your own, teenage guys are shallow. You’re heavy - you’re not morbidly obese, you’re not even fat. You’re heavy. It’s not a bad thing - I’ve said for years that you’re the most gorgeous person I know - you have, like, perfect hair, perfect skin, gorgeous features, you always go the extra mile to look nice - and you always act bubbly and outgoing, with a smile on your face, so it’s hard to even notice. Hell, I just see a gorgeous teenage girl with a huge personality. But teenage guys - especially high school guys, it dies down some in college - don’t look past the body. It’s not your fault. And I’ve said all summer - you look the best I’ve ever seen you, not that you ever looked bad, I thought, but you’re the slimmest I’ve ever seen you, and you at least seem like you’ve gotten a lot more self-confidence this summer, which helps tremendously. But until you get a bit older, and the guys you’ll be around get a bit older, yeah, you might not have a boyfriend. And that’s just a fact of life. It sucks, but it is.
Anyway, back up a tangent or two. It seemed to me that you were… envious, I guess, of me having a boyfriend. And, I don’t know if you were doing it subconsciously or you just didn’t realize how they were coming across - especially because I’d like to hope you weren’t doing them maliciously, but I guess I don’t know for sure - but you would make comments when me and Erik were together that… I don’t know if they stemmed from you having a crush on him and being angry, or envy that I had a boyfriend, or some third reason I don’t know, or whatever, but they seemed almost meant to cause problems between us. Like I mentioned at the beginning of all this - comments that I had said in private, or things like telling him you thought we should get engaged, or how you kept pestering me (in front of him in particular) to tell him I loved him. I truly hope that you just didn’t realize how they were coming across, and they weren’t malicious, but they made us very uncomfortable, especially about us saying I love you to each other. That is something that’s really between us, and not only do you not know all the details that we’ve discussed between ourselves on the topic, but is something that’s very personal, and will happen when it happens. And, I’m on another tangent. Anyway, it just appeared that you were more angry than you were letting on, or whatever, and it was slipping through or what not.
Okay, I have one more point I want to address from the other day, and then - I think - I had one or two more things I wanted to mention beyond that… I’m going on my 5th hour of writing this… This is the other point I think is going to piss you off the most.
I want to apologize for what I said at the end of our conversation the other day, or more specifically, how I said it. I’m not sorry for what I said, but it came out… wrong. By the end of our conversation… I wasn’t really angry, but I had a chip on my shoulder. I went into the meeting between us expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I’ve just… it’s something I do now to avoid being hurt by people. If you’re prepared for the worst, they can’t disappoint you. (Which, backing up toward the top of this thing, I don’t know if you noticed it, but you spent the entire meeting talking down to me, even though it was one of the things you were mad at me about.) I assume it’s because you felt you were right in everything you said, but it seemed almost like you were trying to make me feel small. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t let that happen to me anymore, whether it was my mother or someone else doing it to me, and in doing that, developed a very large chip on my shoulder, and it comes out when people do try to make me feel small, or it seems that way,
In addition, I felt like you were being really hypocritical about the entire situation. The very first thing you said to me was that it wasn’t all about me, but you were making it all about you from the very beginning. It was all about how you felt hurt and slighted - barely giving me a chance to respond, much less bring up my own points. That being said, I wouldn’t have done more than I did, which was respond to a few of your points that seemed outlandish or just plain stupid to me, and all I did was defend myself. I didn’t want to make the situation any worse than before.
That being said, I think I did. I was trying to make a necessary point, but it came off all wrong. I didn’t intend for my statement to seem like, “Boo hoo, your sister’s pregnant, so what?”, but that’s more or less how it came out, and I’m sorry for that. I know it probably hurt you, and I didn’t intend for that. By that point, I was annoyed, and the point I had intended to make got lost. That being said, I did have a point that needs to be made correctly.
Yes, your sister’s pregnant. Boo hoo. Okay, it’s not so different. But it is - hear me out. Nichole is almost 30. Last I heard, she wasn’t in jail or up for any charges, she had a house, a job, a car. I don’t know about the place she was in when she had Nick, but if I remember correctly, that’s a hell of a lot better place than she was in when she had Jacob. Yes, depending on how much Nichole leans on you guys for help, it may cause problems for your family, monetarily and otherwise. That being said, she’s old enough that she should be able to rely on herself, now. She made the choices that led to her becoming pregnant - that’s not your problem whatsoever. It may have been a complete accident, she could have been having totally unprotected sex. I don’t know the situation, but chances are she made her decisions, and now has to deal with the consequences, as much as I hate to refer to a child as a consequence. (And I will say this as a side note - when you first found out I was sleeping with Erik, you were upset because of Nichole’s decisions and stuff. I don’t know if you know this, but me and Erik discussed at length, back when we first started sleeping together, what would happen if I got pregnant - and I mean, at length. We discussed every possible decision we could make in that situation, because we were making a choice, and would have to deal with the consequences of that choice.)
Now, this could be just one more thing on top of a list of things I know nothing about, but this alone is not something for you to work yourself into a depression over. Like I said, Nichole’s an adult, and any choices she might make at this point, good or bad, are her choices, and while you may not agree with them, or they may just plain be wrong - for example, if she was using drugs while she was pregnant, unless they were prescribed by a doctor and used correctly, that’d plain be wrong - they’re her choices, and you have no responsibility to feel any sort of remorse or guilt for them, and knowing Nichole and choices she’s made in the past, you may simply want to come to terms with the fact that you may not agree with some, if not most or all of the choices she has and will make. So, while I’m more than willing to support you and all during this, at the same time, I’m not going to pity you for her choice. It may seem callous or harsh, but… it’s kinda true.
Also, I think that the biggest reason that this whole thing seems so huge is because you didn't mention these things as they bothered you, and let them bottle up rather than mention them to me. Not only did that leave me completely unaware of what was going on, but it probably festered inside you until everything seemed even worse.
Ummm… I think that covers everything from our meeting the other day… I think I managed to work in everything else I had wanted to say… I’m sure I’m forgetting something… I’ll reiterate that until you come to terms with your own self-issues, and at least accept that you have them and try to compensate for them, you’ll still have trouble…
Oh! The other thing I wanted to say! You mentioned that maybe we needed some time to mature. I agree and disagree with that. I disagree with that because us maturing apart wouldn’t be any different than if we matured together. It simply wouldn’t. That being said, you can be incredibly naïve at times. I don’t mean it as a bad thing, or at least not wholly. It’s just… there are times when you’re incredibly idealistic about stuff, and when you’re like that, anything I say will sound harsh, mean, and like I’m talking down to you. It may be stuff that you just haven’t had to deal with in life yet, or stuff that you’ve romanticized in your head, like me and Erik telling each other that we love each other, which kind of falls in both categories, but you know what I mean. I love that you can still be that naïve, especially having known how much shit you’ve gone through in your life, just like I have, but at the same time, I think it compounds problems like this.
I guess that’s really all I have to say. I really want to get through this - you’re my best friend, and you have been for ages, and I love you. But at the same time, you’re angry with me, even if I don’t agree with all the reasons, and I can understand if you can’t get over these things, especially the ones that appear to have a lot to do with you and you understanding yourself. I would love for us to continue being best friends for the foresee-able future, for you to be my maid of honor when I get married, and - like I mentioned not to long ago - to be the godmother of my kids so you can fix them when I screw them up. But, if nothing else, I’d like to at least have our friendship at the point that we can be civil with each other. Hell, at the very least, I will always be friendly to you, and you can always come to me with stuff. But even if it’s only one sided, I will always be friendly to you, if for no other reason than for Erik - he wants absolutely nothing more for us to make up. Every time I’ve talked to him since he left, he’s asked how we are, and I hate that it’s hurting him every time I have to say we’re still fighting. I will not put him in the position that he has to chose between the two of us, and I will support him if he ever has to. But I would like to see us get over this, if not for us, for him. He’s done nothing wrong, but has been put in the middle of the entire situation.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far without getting pissed, deleting this, or simply stopping because it’s so long (11 pages on MS Word), I’ve said everything I wanted to say. I think you need to consider what I’ve said, and look at yourself the same way I have the last few days. I’ve more or less written this 20 or 30 times in my head and out loud as I worked out how I felt, and why I felt the way I did, so I could get it on paper. Maybe you need to do the same. I don’t know. Hell, maybe we need to just put ourselves in a car somewhere in the middle of an empty parking lot or field or something, and just fight it out. Just, remember that you’re my best friend, and I will always love you, no matter what.
***
Also, I still don’t know what your Mom’s pissed at me about, if she was pissed about Nichole and something I did compounded it, I don’t know. I’d still love to talk to her about it, or at least email her, but I’ll respect your wishes about the topic. I did discuss it with Mom, though, and found out that some of the things your Mom might think about me aren’t true. So, there are two things I’d like you to tell her for me, more or less word for word if possible:
I honestly don’t know what I could have done that’s upset your mother so much. As far as I can tell, it started about the time when I started dating Erik. I don’t know if or how that could have caused a problem, but when I discussed it with Mom, she mentioned some things that she’d discussed with your mother that we realized were misinformed, due to misunderstandings, or misinformation, or whatever. There are two things that we could come up with that could make her think that I’m a bad influence, and both probably stem from misunderstandings. The first might get you in trouble, but I’d really appreciate it if she knew the truth. The time we went to Naan over Spring Break, when we had the drinks? Anyway, apparently Nichole told your mother that I ordered the Apple Martini, and she turned a blind eye to it so she wouldn’t be the bad guy, and that she wasn’t sure where the shots came from, but she thought I might have gotten them. Anyway, Mom thinks that your mom probably thinks I was pressuring you to drink. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell your mom that not only did I not order them, but I couldn’t have - they would have checked my ID, which says I’m not 21, I’m not stupid enough to have a fake one, and Nichole wasn’t related to me therefore couldn’t order for me. I’d appreciate if you’d set the record straight that you’d asked Nichole to get the martini for you, and that when she didn’t want to split it with you, I offered to drink what you didn’t want when you were worried about it going to waste, and that that one guy sent the shots over to us, no one ordered them. I’d also appreciate if you’d tell her that I wouldn’t ask someone to order me a drink, period. If someone offered me one, I might accept depending on the circumstances, but I would never even consider asking someone to break the law for me.
The other point I’d like to have you set straight with your mother for me is that night you got the tickets. As far as I know, all your mother knows is that I had told Mom we were in the apartment. I do want to set the record straight that even though I did lie to my mother about that, it was the only time I’ve ever lied about where I was, and was due to extenuating circumstances. She wouldn’t have cared where I was, especially because Erik was there and I knew he wouldn’t put you or I in a situation where we’d be in any harm. You were the only one with a car, and you made the decision to go without my input - I simply told you to make a decision one way or the other. I was just along for the ride. Yes, I would have enjoyed spending some time with my boyfriend, but since he fell asleep 5 minutes after we got there, it was a moot point. I was going because you were driving, and because you had a crush on Jonny and I wasn’t going to begrudge you the chance to spend some time with him. The only reason I lied to Mom at all was because I knew you had already called your mother and said we were at my apartment, and I didn’t want to put Mom in the awkward place of either not knowing your mom didn’t know and let something slip, or knowing your mom didn’t know and feeling obligated to tell her and get you in trouble, but also because she hadn’t been feeling well, but would have stayed up until we got back to the apartment to make sure we got there alright, and I knew she needed to sleep. It hasn’t happened previously or since.
***
Okay, now that I’m almost at the bottom of my 12th page, I really am done.
The End.