Test Positive
Notes: chev_tries_hard asked for "LET'S have Holmes have to take a drug test for whatever reason and he knows he's gonna fail. So he begs Mary to pee in a cup for him. SHE AGREES. SHE'S PREGNANT. HOLMES DOESN'T KNOW THIS. GO GO GO." The test procedures and results are entirely fictional! I know nothing about how it would actually work out in real life.
Professor Moriarty waved the empty cup in his hand around as he spoke. "I'm sure none of you have anything to worry about," he said, sending a pointed look at Sherlock Holmes.
"He has planned this experiment specifically to target me," muttered Holmes, glaring at the professor's back as he turned away to answer another student's question. Watson pressed his finger against his temple and pushed his face back around to look at the lab instructions sheet.
"Focus, old boy. Moriarty's attempts to have you expelled notwithstanding, it doesn't prevent you from receiving high marks on every assignment," said Watson. "Here, drink the bottle of water and in half an hour to forty-five minutes take the cup to the bathroom and fill it halfway with urine."
"What, you mean that I should do it? Watson," exclaimed Holmes, quickly lowering his voice when he saw Moriarty raise an eyebrow at him, "did you not hear me when I said that this is a dastardly plan of Moriarty's set against me? If I fail the drug test--"
"Which you would not because you most certainly have not been using any drugs recently," said Watson pointedly, staring hard at him. Holmes wilted.
"Er, of course not, as we agreed..."
Watson's stare eased at his contriteness. He shifted in his seat and said, in a soft tone that only Holmes could hear: "The painkillers will show on the results if I take the drug test myself."
Holmes hid the small flash of grief that shot through him. The pain medication was prescribed but he knew, and Watson knew, that the amount that he was taking was far beyond the prescribed dosage. It was his friend's own addiction, but one far more understandable than the willy-nilly use of recreational drugs on his own part.
Resigned, Holmes chugged the water and waited for the call of nature.
A half-hour later, Holmes slipped out of the laboratory with Mary Morstan. He checked to make sure no one else was in the hall before following her into the women's restroom and locking the door behind himself. Fortunately there were no other women in the bathroom when Mary whipped around and shouted at him.
"What are you doing, Holmes?" she demanded.
"You are too formal, Miss Morstan," he said in as polite a manner as possible. "After all these years, surely you could call me Sherlock by now."
"What do you want?" Mary asked in a flat voice, folding her arms over her chest and tilting her head in a classic Irene Adler move. Clearly, those two women needed to stop associating with each other.
"Just a half-cup of urine," he smiled, holding the cup out to her with both hands.
Mary performed Irene Adler move #12, the I-can't-believe-you-just-asked-me-to-do-that, in combination with #6, if-you-grovel-and-promise-many-shiny-things-then-I-shall-consider-your-request.
"...Twenty dollars."
Mary shook her head. "Irene's my lab partner and we share everything fifty-fifty." She pointedly began tapping her foot. At the same moment someone tried the door handle and, finding it unyielding, knocked on the door. Holmes almost pulled his hair out.
"I'll do your calculus homework and Irene's geology reports," he offered desperately.
"For a month," she inserted slyly, not wasting precious bargaining time by asking how he knew their homework assignments.
"Fine! Here, go, urinate!" he said, shoving the cup into her hands. She laughed victoriously and went into one of the bathroom stalls. Holmes pressed himself against the wall behind the door and unlocked it, waiting for the now irritated women to rush in and discreetly slipping out of the bathroom.
Ten minutes later, Mary came out with two cups of pale yellow urine and a look of suppressed embarrassment as she handed one to Holmes, who had been anxiously loitering in the hallway waiting for her. He insisted that she return ahead of him so that it would not be conspicuous (to Moriarty.)
He climbed back onto his stool next to Watson, who shot him an amused look. "Have a little difficulty getting it going, did you?" he asked. Holmes said something off-hand and vague and concentrated on looking as at-ease as possible, even when he noticed Mary sliding a note across to Irene, who muffled the sound of crumpling it up with her spontaneous chortling.
He and Watson filled out the lab report in their manual, followed the instructions for performing the drug test with the chemicals and equipment which they had been given, then waited with the other students for Moriarty to distribute the printed results.
"Normal results," he said with skepticism to a twitchy art student. The next pair he approached looked at him curiously as he handed them the results paper, saying, "You may wish to see a doctor about that."
He glanced through the papers spread in his hands and blinked, looking up to catch Holmes' eye. "Mr. Holmes, you volunteered your urine for the experiment, did you not?" asked Moriarty.
"There was no reason I shouldn't have," said Holmes evenly, confident that there was no trace of drugs shown in the test results. Mary Morstan was not that kind of girl.
Moriarty held the results sheet out to him. "You're pregnant, Mr. Holmes."
Holmes froze with the paper in his hand. "I beg your pardon?" Watson, and the whole class, stared at him in shocked surprise. Except for Mary Morstan, who apparently was that kind of girl, who hid her face with her hands.
Moriarty clapped his hand on Watson's shoulder. "Congratulations, Mr. Watson."
@ shkinkmeme
Professor Moriarty waved the empty cup in his hand around as he spoke. "I'm sure none of you have anything to worry about," he said, sending a pointed look at Sherlock Holmes.
"He has planned this experiment specifically to target me," muttered Holmes, glaring at the professor's back as he turned away to answer another student's question. Watson pressed his finger against his temple and pushed his face back around to look at the lab instructions sheet.
"Focus, old boy. Moriarty's attempts to have you expelled notwithstanding, it doesn't prevent you from receiving high marks on every assignment," said Watson. "Here, drink the bottle of water and in half an hour to forty-five minutes take the cup to the bathroom and fill it halfway with urine."
"What, you mean that I should do it? Watson," exclaimed Holmes, quickly lowering his voice when he saw Moriarty raise an eyebrow at him, "did you not hear me when I said that this is a dastardly plan of Moriarty's set against me? If I fail the drug test--"
"Which you would not because you most certainly have not been using any drugs recently," said Watson pointedly, staring hard at him. Holmes wilted.
"Er, of course not, as we agreed..."
Watson's stare eased at his contriteness. He shifted in his seat and said, in a soft tone that only Holmes could hear: "The painkillers will show on the results if I take the drug test myself."
Holmes hid the small flash of grief that shot through him. The pain medication was prescribed but he knew, and Watson knew, that the amount that he was taking was far beyond the prescribed dosage. It was his friend's own addiction, but one far more understandable than the willy-nilly use of recreational drugs on his own part.
Resigned, Holmes chugged the water and waited for the call of nature.
A half-hour later, Holmes slipped out of the laboratory with Mary Morstan. He checked to make sure no one else was in the hall before following her into the women's restroom and locking the door behind himself. Fortunately there were no other women in the bathroom when Mary whipped around and shouted at him.
"What are you doing, Holmes?" she demanded.
"You are too formal, Miss Morstan," he said in as polite a manner as possible. "After all these years, surely you could call me Sherlock by now."
"What do you want?" Mary asked in a flat voice, folding her arms over her chest and tilting her head in a classic Irene Adler move. Clearly, those two women needed to stop associating with each other.
"Just a half-cup of urine," he smiled, holding the cup out to her with both hands.
Mary performed Irene Adler move #12, the I-can't-believe-you-just-asked-me-to-do-that, in combination with #6, if-you-grovel-and-promise-many-shiny-things-then-I-shall-consider-your-request.
"...Twenty dollars."
Mary shook her head. "Irene's my lab partner and we share everything fifty-fifty." She pointedly began tapping her foot. At the same moment someone tried the door handle and, finding it unyielding, knocked on the door. Holmes almost pulled his hair out.
"I'll do your calculus homework and Irene's geology reports," he offered desperately.
"For a month," she inserted slyly, not wasting precious bargaining time by asking how he knew their homework assignments.
"Fine! Here, go, urinate!" he said, shoving the cup into her hands. She laughed victoriously and went into one of the bathroom stalls. Holmes pressed himself against the wall behind the door and unlocked it, waiting for the now irritated women to rush in and discreetly slipping out of the bathroom.
Ten minutes later, Mary came out with two cups of pale yellow urine and a look of suppressed embarrassment as she handed one to Holmes, who had been anxiously loitering in the hallway waiting for her. He insisted that she return ahead of him so that it would not be conspicuous (to Moriarty.)
He climbed back onto his stool next to Watson, who shot him an amused look. "Have a little difficulty getting it going, did you?" he asked. Holmes said something off-hand and vague and concentrated on looking as at-ease as possible, even when he noticed Mary sliding a note across to Irene, who muffled the sound of crumpling it up with her spontaneous chortling.
He and Watson filled out the lab report in their manual, followed the instructions for performing the drug test with the chemicals and equipment which they had been given, then waited with the other students for Moriarty to distribute the printed results.
"Normal results," he said with skepticism to a twitchy art student. The next pair he approached looked at him curiously as he handed them the results paper, saying, "You may wish to see a doctor about that."
He glanced through the papers spread in his hands and blinked, looking up to catch Holmes' eye. "Mr. Holmes, you volunteered your urine for the experiment, did you not?" asked Moriarty.
"There was no reason I shouldn't have," said Holmes evenly, confident that there was no trace of drugs shown in the test results. Mary Morstan was not that kind of girl.
Moriarty held the results sheet out to him. "You're pregnant, Mr. Holmes."
Holmes froze with the paper in his hand. "I beg your pardon?" Watson, and the whole class, stared at him in shocked surprise. Except for Mary Morstan, who apparently was that kind of girl, who hid her face with her hands.
Moriarty clapped his hand on Watson's shoulder. "Congratulations, Mr. Watson."
@ shkinkmeme