Week Three September Entry

[jellybeanchichi]

Pregnant pause
by JellybeanChiChi

The following is the  September week three entry for Brigits_Flame. The prompt was pregnant. Thanks for Ruth and Margaret for the beta and suggestions.

Comments

Editor

[attentionhoard]

Hi there! I'm going to be one of your editors this round. Instead of correcting your grammar or structure (which may happen), I'm just going to read through your entry a few times and comment on anything that may stick out to me. This is the way I go about my edits. Everything I offer is a suggestion. Take it as lightly or serious as you'd like :)

1. Honestly, this was a strange piece to me. I wasn't quite sure of your intentions and it seemed very, very clunky. What I mean by that is that there seems to be bursts of little moments, without a strong firm spine. The story seemed unbalanced somehow. It's quite difficult to put my finger on it, but reading it through the few times that I have, it just doesn't flow to me. A lot of it, the dialogue, the jokes, Lily's violence, the overall story; it seems somehow forced. I'm just can't help but feel I'm missing something.

2.Some of your jokes seemed forced. ", trying to ground himself, but all he could think of was, “God, I have never see so many huge tits in one place that didn’t have a stripper pole.” I guess comedy is all about personal preference, but your jokes don't seem to have a place in your story; they should enhance the narrative for your readers, not impede them.

3. Getting those things out of the way, I do have to say that I really enjoyed parts of this. It started off very promising and you had me hooked until he met with Lily.

My suggestions would be to revisit this piece and try to really think about making your comedy fit into the story a bit more smoothly as well as tightening it up.

Hope this helps. Good luck this week!

Re: Editor

[jellybeanchichi]

Hi,
Sorry you didn't like the piece. I did laugh when you mentioned "Lily's violence." Violence? Really? Sounds like you didn't like Lily.
I do appreciate you taking the time to read. I do wish you would offer concrete examples of how you think the piece would be improved. Make a concrete suggestion; change some sentences; add something; talk about specific character development. If you don't think there is a spine, offer a suggestion of how to create a better spine.
Even if you don't like a piece, you shouldn't offer vague criticism because it doesn't help me as a writer.
Best regards,
Jean

Re: Editor

[attentionhoard]

Today is a very busy day for me, but sometime this evening I'll go read through again and make specific references.

Re: Editor

[jellybeanchichi]

Hi,
Don't feel obligated. Just as this is a forum to become better writers, I offered advice to make you a better editor.
If you would like to offer edits, do so on your own time. No worries. If you are completed with your edit, think about some of the stuff I mentioned for future edits.
Thanks so much. Please know I am not hassling you for an edit. I will take some of your suggestions in consideration. If you would like to add more, it would be more than welcome.
Thanks, Jean