Fic: Better that we Break
Title: Better that We Break
Rating: NC-17… maybe… just…
Pairing: One-sided Chenzel and Idina/OFC
Disclaimer: All events taking place here are fictional (as far as I know), and this was written purely for entertainment purposes.
Summary: She doesn’t think she was ever Maureen as much as she was Elphaba.
It feels weird the first day that Idina walks onto the set for the movie of RENT. She’s been preparing herself for weeks, ever since she finished up with Wicked, but she hasn’t pretended, even to herself, that it will make things any easier.
You are not Elphaba Thropp, she has told herself. You are not a young girl, an outcast, courageous and alone. You are not idealistic, or misunderstood. You are not green.
You are Maureen Johnson, she tells herself instead, and tries to remember the quirks of the character, the way she had played her back when RENT was something to be seen on-stage. It’s hard, though, because she’s been Elphaba for years; she’s let the character crawl into her head and her heart, has let her consume her completely, has let herself blur the lines until she doesn’t know where Elphaba ends and Idina begins.
She doesn’t think she was ever Maureen as much as she was Elphaba.
She’s excited to see all the old crew, really; she squeals, and hugs Anthony and Adam, plants kisses soundly on each of Wilson’s cheeks. She gets lifted off her feet by Jesse in a bone crushing hug, and the memories come back to her in a rush of herself doing the same to Kristin so many, many times, the last being on-stage at the Gershwin at Kristin’s last performance in one of the last happy moments they had, before everything changed.
There are new people to meet too: Rosario Dawson, who’s playing Mimi, and Tracie Thoms who’s taking over the part of Joanne. Idina makes a special effort with Tracie, but only because she hates not getting on with whomever she’s supposed to be kissing on camera, not because she needs a new friend.
The exchange with Taye is polite, and awkward. They smile without meeting one another’s eyes, a quick press of cheeks together and then they each turn away to talk to someone else. Idina feels the others’ eyes on them and she’s not surprised; they haven’t let on to anyone yet that is hasn’t just been their schedules keeping them apart, that’s it really been the two of them, and their inability to work as a couple.
There’s a reading, and then Idina goes back to her trailer, begging off the night out with the others for welcome drinks. She’d forgotten how exhausting this all is, in such a different way even to doing eight shows a week. She’s got a trailer, she’s got a bed, she’s got friends around but it doesn’t feel right trying to be Maureen now. She misses Elphaba.
She does not miss Galinda. She will not.
She’s got The Wizard and I swirling around her brain and she closes her eyes in an attempt to block it out. She tries singing Take Me or Leave Me, but she can’t get the tune right in her mind, and she ends up switching on the radio instead. She climbs into bed with her laptop on her knees and tries not to let her eyes close. There’s an email from Julia in her inbox that makes her smile.
She types a quick reply and then shuts off the laptop. She barely has time to lie down before she’s asleep.
When she wakes, hours later, with tears on her cheeks and her pillow, and a ball of misery tight in her chest, she can’t help wishing once again that she could stop dreaming about Kristin.
The days pass and soon Idina’s too tired to dream about anything. In the time between filming she manages to become good friends with Tracie and Rosario, hangs out with Anthony and Jesse and Wilson. She spends as much time as she can with Adam, because they’ve been friends since before she can remember, and they need to catch up. She keeps busy. She avoids Taye. She avoids thinking about Kristin.
Filming isn’t easy, but then it never is. On the very first day, Wilson and Jesse are supposed to be shooting I’ll Cover You, but it rains, and Idina gets an emergency call to her trailer, asking her to go to hair and make-up so they can shoot a scene of Maureen’s protest in the dark, enclosed set. It’s hard trying to throw herself completely into the character so soon, and she keeps having flashes of Elphaba; Elphaba, she knows, wouldn’t draw attention to herself in this way, would be afraid of getting hurt. Idina does her best, but she can tell by the looks on the crews’ faces, that they’re not going to be using these takes.
She’s relieved when they switch to the line-up of Seasons of Love the next day.
It gets easier after that; easier to block out Elphaba, easier to let herself go to Maureen. She gets used to the hours; to the people; to kissing Tracie and pretending that she’s alright with Taye. They film the protest again and this time she can tell that they’re pleased with her work, and that in turn makes her pleased with herself. Still, she sometimes hears Elphaba’s voice in her head, experiences her feelings on what she’s doing. Elphaba, Idina thinks, would always be loyal to the person who loved her. Maureen wouldn’t.
Idina’s thirty-third birthday comes around in May, and when filming is finished for the day, the others storm her trailer, singing Happy Birthday with candles on a cake for her to blow out. Rosario insists that they should all go out. Idina tries to beg off tactfully, saying that she’s too old (and privately she thinks she is), but Rosario and Tracie protest, and throw the guys out so that they can put her in her silky green halter dress that Idina remembers wearing to some event or other in her Wicked days. The memory makes her feel hollow, but she lets them do her hair and her make-up and tries to smile.
The club Rosario takes them to is dark, and packed, with low lights and a grinding beat. Idina lets Wilson buy her a beer and then Adam drags her out onto the dance floor, so she loops her arms around him and dances, and talks with him about old memories. Anthony cuts in after a while, and pulls her against him, and they both laugh as they dance, and it makes Idina happy. The place where Anthony has his hands on her back is damp with sweat.
Taye has come along, but he’s spent the last hour sitting in a booth with whoever’s taking a break from dancing. He’d given her a kiss on the cheek back in her trailer, said happy birthday, but that was all, and Idina isn’t surprised; after all they filed for divorce just a week ago. She doesn’t fail to see the irony.
She accepts another beer from Jesse, and then one from Adam as she sits in the booth with the two of them and Taye, resting for a moment. Anthony and Tracie are still dancing; she can see the way they shout to one another over the music, the way they smile, and it makes her glad if only for a moment. Rosario is dancing with a guy she found at the bar, and Idina can see Taye’s eyes on her, watching her movements. A minute or two later he gets up and goes to the bathroom, and a couple of minutes after that he’s on the dance floor with a pretty girl with red hair. Idina bites her lip and looks away.
“You ok?” Adam shouts to her, and Idina makes herself smile at him.
“Sure!” she yells back, and Adam and Jesse look at one another. “Go and dance,” Idina orders them. “I’ll come in a minute.”
They hesitate, but they go and join Rosario, and Idina sits on her own for a moment, chugging the rest of her beer. She can feel the buzz starting to kick in and she can’t help observing how she changes from Elphaba to Maureen as it does; leaving behind the quieter, melancholy girl and becoming the loud, gutsy, sexy Maureen. She wonders what Elphaba would be like drunk.
She’s starting to feel happy, and she pushes her way through the crowd to the others, joining into the circle and throwing herself into the music. She puts her arms around Wilson and Rosario, who are closest, and sways against them, and they both laugh, Rosario taking her hand and twirling her. The music is good and the lights are dark, and she’s drinking enough to keep herself happy and soon enough she’s getting tired, and excuses herself to go to the ladies.
She leans against the sink for a moment, checking her hair in the mirror. The only other woman in the bathroom is next to Idina, reapplying lipgloss, and she’s blonde and small, and for a moment Idina sees Kristin. The woman is also sexy and alluring in a way that coaxes Idina’s gaze, without her brain’s permission, to look the woman over, and blonde looks back and raises her eyebrows, then lets her eyes rake over Idina’s body, lingering on the curves, a small smile on her lips that Idina’s recognizes instantly.
There are two choices here, and she knows which one Elphaba would take. Elphaba would blush and look away, and go back to the security of her friends outside. But Maureen would flirt and seduce, and she’d get her way in the end, and dammit she is Maureen now, she has to be, and she’s going to put herself in the mindset and go for it.
So she leans casually back against the wall, putting on her best Maureen smile.
“Nice lipgloss,” she says, eying it without hesitation, and the woman’s smile grows.
“Thanks,” she says. “Nice dress.”
Idina’s suddenly conscious of the dress’s ability to gape, and she fixes Maureen resolutely in her mind as she leans forward to show off her cleavage. “Thanks,” she repeats back. Then, because she figures Maureen would just go for it, “You wanna dance?”
The woman cocks her head to the side. “Sure,” she says, shrugging, and Idina feels like celebrating because she hasn’t done this in a very long time.
“I’m Emily,” says the blonde, holding out a hand, and Idina kisses it flirtatiously, her eyes never leaving the other woman’s.
“Idina.”
They avoid the others for a time, but Idina’s still drinking and by the time they’re found, she doesn’t care. She grins at Adam while she presses herself against Emily, and she sees the look on Jesse’s face that makes her smile. Anthony just raises his eyebrows, smiles a little, and turns away, and Tracie winks at her, and leads the others over to the bar.
“Your friends?” Emily murmurs into her ear, her breath hot against her skin.
“Mm hmm,” Idina replies, her hands on Emily’s hips, and Emily looks up at her and smiles in a way that Idina can’t resist. She dimly hears Elphaba’s voice in the back of her mind, but she doesn’t want to listen. She kisses the blonde instead.
Idina’s not quite sure how they get from there to Emily’s apartment, but it happens quickly. The apartment is dark, and they don’t bother to switch on the light as they stumble in. Idina’s still got her small bag over her shoulder, and she feels her phone vibrating against her with a text, but she’s got her lips on Emily’s neck, Emily’s hands in her hair, and she ignores it. She tosses the bag away onto the floor and she doesn’t bother to stop when it flips open, spilling out her wallet and her phone.
She slides her hands underneath Emily’s top and Emily arches against her, and she feels Maureen smile inside of her. She brushes a thumb over one nipple and then there’s a voice, Elphaba’s voice again, and Idina doesn’t want to listen, so she moves faster, freeing Emily of the top.
But she can’t block out the sound in her mind, and she hears Elphaba say, I don’t want it anymore, and she curses Broadway. Somewhere, through the haze of alcohol and the dizzying feeling of Emily’s fingers on her skin, she thinks she hears Glinda singing, I hope you’re happy, and the sound stops her in her tracks.
“What’s wrong?” Emily asks, her voice breathy and low, and Idina makes herself keep moving.
“Nothing, she murmurs against the other woman’s skin, unhooking Emily’s bra and pulling the straps down her arms, turning to fling it off to one side.
And then she sees her phone. It’s on the floor, lit up from the text, and she can see that it’s from Kristin. Idina snatches it up, and reads it quickly. It’s short, just a birthday message that could have been from anyone, but she’s breathless when she finishes it.
Emily is still and quiet, watching as Idina picks up her things.
“I have to go,” Idina says, without looking at her, and she winces as she hurries out the door because it seems she’ll never get away from Elphaba.
It doesn’t matter so much right now, though. It only matters that she got away from this.
She never replies to Kristin’s message, but she doesn’t think Kristin would have expected her to. They haven’t even spoken since Idina’s decision, just a few days after her final show, that she couldn’t keep doing this to Taye. After the initial fight, Kristin hadn’t tried to contact her again, and Idina was too scared to make the first move. She didn’t think she could fall apart without someone there to pick up the pieces.
She puts the event out of her mind as the time passes. Filming goes well; they’re ahead of schedule and everyone is pleased with their progress. She has fun hanging out with the other members of cast and crew, sings in her trailer, manages to have a few polite, pleasant conversations with Taye. She starts to enjoy herself.
When the day comes to film Goodbye Love, she’s not expecting anything out of the ordinary. She’s sung the song a million times, has practiced the lines and the actions with Tracie; she’s ready.
But then it’s late afternoon and the cameras are rolling and they’re walking up the hill, listening to Rosario and Adam’s first lines in the song and it’s time for her cut in. She gets through her first two lines, and she knows the camera’s not going to be focusing on her anyway, but then Tracie starts to sing her lines, and suddenly it isn’t Joanne talking about Maureen, it’s Kristin talking about Idina. Idina’s practiced angry movements with Tracie, but she doesn’t go through with them, just turns away and listens, and all she can think about is Kristin. Her emotions are getting the better of her, and she’ll recognize later that, though they took several takes of this scene, this shot was the one used in the final cut, because Idina’s emotions become Maureen’s, and it looks real because it is.
The song ends, and Idina turns and performs the actions she’s practiced, but in her mind she’s going not to Tracie - not Maureen to Joanne - but Idina to Kristin, and she can’t help feeling that it’s the right thing for her to do. She gets a shock when she hears ‘cut!’, and she lets out a half-laugh, half-sob as she looks around to see the crew grinning at a good take.
“You alright?” Tracie asks softly, squeezing Idina’s hand, and Idina nods, and wipes at a tear that’s threatening to spill. She’s relieved when they finish up for the day straight after that.
She goes back to her trailer immediately and the others let her, having learnt to work with her quirks, and her occasional need for privacy. She sits on her bed and tries to read over the script for tomorrow’s shoot, but Kristin keeps invading her thoughts, and it’s then that she notices her phone next to her.
She could call her.
Elphaba’s there in the back of her mind, and she doesn’t have a definite opinion, but Idina can feel her hesitation. Maureen would do it, Idina thinks, she would go after what she wanted, and she’d get it. Somewhere, slowly, she thinks she feels Elphaba start to agree, (she thinks maybe it stems from Elphaba’s want for Glinda), cautiously encouraging her to go for it.
It’s the first time Elphaba and Maureen have ever agreed.
It’s a sign, Idina decides, that the two characters within her both want the same thing that Idina does, and she picks up her phone and brings up the number, hesitating with her finger hovering over the call button. Elphaba would be wary. Maureen would be full-on. Idina is going to be perfect.
She presses the button and listens as she hears it ringing at the other end. Her heart is pounding and her hands are shaking, but she pulls herself together when she hears the phone picked up.
“Hello?” And it’s Kristin’s voice, her sweet, beautiful voice that Idina misses so much.
“Hi Kris. It’s Idina. How are you?”
And as she listens to the answer, she starts to smile.
Rating: NC-17… maybe… just…
Pairing: One-sided Chenzel and Idina/OFC
Disclaimer: All events taking place here are fictional (as far as I know), and this was written purely for entertainment purposes.
Summary: She doesn’t think she was ever Maureen as much as she was Elphaba.
It feels weird the first day that Idina walks onto the set for the movie of RENT. She’s been preparing herself for weeks, ever since she finished up with Wicked, but she hasn’t pretended, even to herself, that it will make things any easier.
You are not Elphaba Thropp, she has told herself. You are not a young girl, an outcast, courageous and alone. You are not idealistic, or misunderstood. You are not green.
You are Maureen Johnson, she tells herself instead, and tries to remember the quirks of the character, the way she had played her back when RENT was something to be seen on-stage. It’s hard, though, because she’s been Elphaba for years; she’s let the character crawl into her head and her heart, has let her consume her completely, has let herself blur the lines until she doesn’t know where Elphaba ends and Idina begins.
She doesn’t think she was ever Maureen as much as she was Elphaba.
She’s excited to see all the old crew, really; she squeals, and hugs Anthony and Adam, plants kisses soundly on each of Wilson’s cheeks. She gets lifted off her feet by Jesse in a bone crushing hug, and the memories come back to her in a rush of herself doing the same to Kristin so many, many times, the last being on-stage at the Gershwin at Kristin’s last performance in one of the last happy moments they had, before everything changed.
There are new people to meet too: Rosario Dawson, who’s playing Mimi, and Tracie Thoms who’s taking over the part of Joanne. Idina makes a special effort with Tracie, but only because she hates not getting on with whomever she’s supposed to be kissing on camera, not because she needs a new friend.
The exchange with Taye is polite, and awkward. They smile without meeting one another’s eyes, a quick press of cheeks together and then they each turn away to talk to someone else. Idina feels the others’ eyes on them and she’s not surprised; they haven’t let on to anyone yet that is hasn’t just been their schedules keeping them apart, that’s it really been the two of them, and their inability to work as a couple.
There’s a reading, and then Idina goes back to her trailer, begging off the night out with the others for welcome drinks. She’d forgotten how exhausting this all is, in such a different way even to doing eight shows a week. She’s got a trailer, she’s got a bed, she’s got friends around but it doesn’t feel right trying to be Maureen now. She misses Elphaba.
She does not miss Galinda. She will not.
She’s got The Wizard and I swirling around her brain and she closes her eyes in an attempt to block it out. She tries singing Take Me or Leave Me, but she can’t get the tune right in her mind, and she ends up switching on the radio instead. She climbs into bed with her laptop on her knees and tries not to let her eyes close. There’s an email from Julia in her inbox that makes her smile.
She types a quick reply and then shuts off the laptop. She barely has time to lie down before she’s asleep.
When she wakes, hours later, with tears on her cheeks and her pillow, and a ball of misery tight in her chest, she can’t help wishing once again that she could stop dreaming about Kristin.
The days pass and soon Idina’s too tired to dream about anything. In the time between filming she manages to become good friends with Tracie and Rosario, hangs out with Anthony and Jesse and Wilson. She spends as much time as she can with Adam, because they’ve been friends since before she can remember, and they need to catch up. She keeps busy. She avoids Taye. She avoids thinking about Kristin.
Filming isn’t easy, but then it never is. On the very first day, Wilson and Jesse are supposed to be shooting I’ll Cover You, but it rains, and Idina gets an emergency call to her trailer, asking her to go to hair and make-up so they can shoot a scene of Maureen’s protest in the dark, enclosed set. It’s hard trying to throw herself completely into the character so soon, and she keeps having flashes of Elphaba; Elphaba, she knows, wouldn’t draw attention to herself in this way, would be afraid of getting hurt. Idina does her best, but she can tell by the looks on the crews’ faces, that they’re not going to be using these takes.
She’s relieved when they switch to the line-up of Seasons of Love the next day.
It gets easier after that; easier to block out Elphaba, easier to let herself go to Maureen. She gets used to the hours; to the people; to kissing Tracie and pretending that she’s alright with Taye. They film the protest again and this time she can tell that they’re pleased with her work, and that in turn makes her pleased with herself. Still, she sometimes hears Elphaba’s voice in her head, experiences her feelings on what she’s doing. Elphaba, Idina thinks, would always be loyal to the person who loved her. Maureen wouldn’t.
Idina’s thirty-third birthday comes around in May, and when filming is finished for the day, the others storm her trailer, singing Happy Birthday with candles on a cake for her to blow out. Rosario insists that they should all go out. Idina tries to beg off tactfully, saying that she’s too old (and privately she thinks she is), but Rosario and Tracie protest, and throw the guys out so that they can put her in her silky green halter dress that Idina remembers wearing to some event or other in her Wicked days. The memory makes her feel hollow, but she lets them do her hair and her make-up and tries to smile.
The club Rosario takes them to is dark, and packed, with low lights and a grinding beat. Idina lets Wilson buy her a beer and then Adam drags her out onto the dance floor, so she loops her arms around him and dances, and talks with him about old memories. Anthony cuts in after a while, and pulls her against him, and they both laugh as they dance, and it makes Idina happy. The place where Anthony has his hands on her back is damp with sweat.
Taye has come along, but he’s spent the last hour sitting in a booth with whoever’s taking a break from dancing. He’d given her a kiss on the cheek back in her trailer, said happy birthday, but that was all, and Idina isn’t surprised; after all they filed for divorce just a week ago. She doesn’t fail to see the irony.
She accepts another beer from Jesse, and then one from Adam as she sits in the booth with the two of them and Taye, resting for a moment. Anthony and Tracie are still dancing; she can see the way they shout to one another over the music, the way they smile, and it makes her glad if only for a moment. Rosario is dancing with a guy she found at the bar, and Idina can see Taye’s eyes on her, watching her movements. A minute or two later he gets up and goes to the bathroom, and a couple of minutes after that he’s on the dance floor with a pretty girl with red hair. Idina bites her lip and looks away.
“You ok?” Adam shouts to her, and Idina makes herself smile at him.
“Sure!” she yells back, and Adam and Jesse look at one another. “Go and dance,” Idina orders them. “I’ll come in a minute.”
They hesitate, but they go and join Rosario, and Idina sits on her own for a moment, chugging the rest of her beer. She can feel the buzz starting to kick in and she can’t help observing how she changes from Elphaba to Maureen as it does; leaving behind the quieter, melancholy girl and becoming the loud, gutsy, sexy Maureen. She wonders what Elphaba would be like drunk.
She’s starting to feel happy, and she pushes her way through the crowd to the others, joining into the circle and throwing herself into the music. She puts her arms around Wilson and Rosario, who are closest, and sways against them, and they both laugh, Rosario taking her hand and twirling her. The music is good and the lights are dark, and she’s drinking enough to keep herself happy and soon enough she’s getting tired, and excuses herself to go to the ladies.
She leans against the sink for a moment, checking her hair in the mirror. The only other woman in the bathroom is next to Idina, reapplying lipgloss, and she’s blonde and small, and for a moment Idina sees Kristin. The woman is also sexy and alluring in a way that coaxes Idina’s gaze, without her brain’s permission, to look the woman over, and blonde looks back and raises her eyebrows, then lets her eyes rake over Idina’s body, lingering on the curves, a small smile on her lips that Idina’s recognizes instantly.
There are two choices here, and she knows which one Elphaba would take. Elphaba would blush and look away, and go back to the security of her friends outside. But Maureen would flirt and seduce, and she’d get her way in the end, and dammit she is Maureen now, she has to be, and she’s going to put herself in the mindset and go for it.
So she leans casually back against the wall, putting on her best Maureen smile.
“Nice lipgloss,” she says, eying it without hesitation, and the woman’s smile grows.
“Thanks,” she says. “Nice dress.”
Idina’s suddenly conscious of the dress’s ability to gape, and she fixes Maureen resolutely in her mind as she leans forward to show off her cleavage. “Thanks,” she repeats back. Then, because she figures Maureen would just go for it, “You wanna dance?”
The woman cocks her head to the side. “Sure,” she says, shrugging, and Idina feels like celebrating because she hasn’t done this in a very long time.
“I’m Emily,” says the blonde, holding out a hand, and Idina kisses it flirtatiously, her eyes never leaving the other woman’s.
“Idina.”
They avoid the others for a time, but Idina’s still drinking and by the time they’re found, she doesn’t care. She grins at Adam while she presses herself against Emily, and she sees the look on Jesse’s face that makes her smile. Anthony just raises his eyebrows, smiles a little, and turns away, and Tracie winks at her, and leads the others over to the bar.
“Your friends?” Emily murmurs into her ear, her breath hot against her skin.
“Mm hmm,” Idina replies, her hands on Emily’s hips, and Emily looks up at her and smiles in a way that Idina can’t resist. She dimly hears Elphaba’s voice in the back of her mind, but she doesn’t want to listen. She kisses the blonde instead.
Idina’s not quite sure how they get from there to Emily’s apartment, but it happens quickly. The apartment is dark, and they don’t bother to switch on the light as they stumble in. Idina’s still got her small bag over her shoulder, and she feels her phone vibrating against her with a text, but she’s got her lips on Emily’s neck, Emily’s hands in her hair, and she ignores it. She tosses the bag away onto the floor and she doesn’t bother to stop when it flips open, spilling out her wallet and her phone.
She slides her hands underneath Emily’s top and Emily arches against her, and she feels Maureen smile inside of her. She brushes a thumb over one nipple and then there’s a voice, Elphaba’s voice again, and Idina doesn’t want to listen, so she moves faster, freeing Emily of the top.
But she can’t block out the sound in her mind, and she hears Elphaba say, I don’t want it anymore, and she curses Broadway. Somewhere, through the haze of alcohol and the dizzying feeling of Emily’s fingers on her skin, she thinks she hears Glinda singing, I hope you’re happy, and the sound stops her in her tracks.
“What’s wrong?” Emily asks, her voice breathy and low, and Idina makes herself keep moving.
“Nothing, she murmurs against the other woman’s skin, unhooking Emily’s bra and pulling the straps down her arms, turning to fling it off to one side.
And then she sees her phone. It’s on the floor, lit up from the text, and she can see that it’s from Kristin. Idina snatches it up, and reads it quickly. It’s short, just a birthday message that could have been from anyone, but she’s breathless when she finishes it.
Emily is still and quiet, watching as Idina picks up her things.
“I have to go,” Idina says, without looking at her, and she winces as she hurries out the door because it seems she’ll never get away from Elphaba.
It doesn’t matter so much right now, though. It only matters that she got away from this.
She never replies to Kristin’s message, but she doesn’t think Kristin would have expected her to. They haven’t even spoken since Idina’s decision, just a few days after her final show, that she couldn’t keep doing this to Taye. After the initial fight, Kristin hadn’t tried to contact her again, and Idina was too scared to make the first move. She didn’t think she could fall apart without someone there to pick up the pieces.
She puts the event out of her mind as the time passes. Filming goes well; they’re ahead of schedule and everyone is pleased with their progress. She has fun hanging out with the other members of cast and crew, sings in her trailer, manages to have a few polite, pleasant conversations with Taye. She starts to enjoy herself.
When the day comes to film Goodbye Love, she’s not expecting anything out of the ordinary. She’s sung the song a million times, has practiced the lines and the actions with Tracie; she’s ready.
But then it’s late afternoon and the cameras are rolling and they’re walking up the hill, listening to Rosario and Adam’s first lines in the song and it’s time for her cut in. She gets through her first two lines, and she knows the camera’s not going to be focusing on her anyway, but then Tracie starts to sing her lines, and suddenly it isn’t Joanne talking about Maureen, it’s Kristin talking about Idina. Idina’s practiced angry movements with Tracie, but she doesn’t go through with them, just turns away and listens, and all she can think about is Kristin. Her emotions are getting the better of her, and she’ll recognize later that, though they took several takes of this scene, this shot was the one used in the final cut, because Idina’s emotions become Maureen’s, and it looks real because it is.
The song ends, and Idina turns and performs the actions she’s practiced, but in her mind she’s going not to Tracie - not Maureen to Joanne - but Idina to Kristin, and she can’t help feeling that it’s the right thing for her to do. She gets a shock when she hears ‘cut!’, and she lets out a half-laugh, half-sob as she looks around to see the crew grinning at a good take.
“You alright?” Tracie asks softly, squeezing Idina’s hand, and Idina nods, and wipes at a tear that’s threatening to spill. She’s relieved when they finish up for the day straight after that.
She goes back to her trailer immediately and the others let her, having learnt to work with her quirks, and her occasional need for privacy. She sits on her bed and tries to read over the script for tomorrow’s shoot, but Kristin keeps invading her thoughts, and it’s then that she notices her phone next to her.
She could call her.
Elphaba’s there in the back of her mind, and she doesn’t have a definite opinion, but Idina can feel her hesitation. Maureen would do it, Idina thinks, she would go after what she wanted, and she’d get it. Somewhere, slowly, she thinks she feels Elphaba start to agree, (she thinks maybe it stems from Elphaba’s want for Glinda), cautiously encouraging her to go for it.
It’s the first time Elphaba and Maureen have ever agreed.
It’s a sign, Idina decides, that the two characters within her both want the same thing that Idina does, and she picks up her phone and brings up the number, hesitating with her finger hovering over the call button. Elphaba would be wary. Maureen would be full-on. Idina is going to be perfect.
She presses the button and listens as she hears it ringing at the other end. Her heart is pounding and her hands are shaking, but she pulls herself together when she hears the phone picked up.
“Hello?” And it’s Kristin’s voice, her sweet, beautiful voice that Idina misses so much.
“Hi Kris. It’s Idina. How are you?”
And as she listens to the answer, she starts to smile.