(no subject)
so this year is almost over..it'll be 2008...I don't know how I feel about that really...my uncle hasn't switched his calander off of October ..so I'm not sure hes ready for a new year either....what would have been danielle's 13th birthday is coming up ..it'll be on a wednesday this year which is the same day of the week that she died on....I know we'll do something for her that day...and I'm almost not up for that ...every time we light a candle or Taryn talks about her in present tense or ...I don't know anything ..I almost can't take it ..It doesn't seem to help me ...talking about it ...it seems to make it worse ...not talking about it is frustrating too though ...so I'm not sure exactly what I want to do.
I talked about it alot to nathan...I havn't seen or heard from him though in almost a month so I'm angry that I let him in so much...I had other people who would have listioned but he just seemed to know what to say ...although now I doubt he was actually caring or hearing me. I guess I'll think of him as a nice distraction ...having that distraction did help a little for awhile. I mean it goes both ways ...I could be phoning or talking to him over the break ..but I almost feel like if he really cared he'd check in first or something ...or you know...say happy birthday ...and also I don't want to talk to him ...I don't think I've ever lost feelings for someone so quickly ...I can't even seem to think of someone who would hurt me so needlessly and with such ease as a friend. I have real friends and I wish I'd talked to one of them these past months.
I've been thinking about zach ...and how maybe I didn't love him ..I don't think he was lying when he said it to me ...I thought I loved him ...alexis said that you don't think it though you know it ...and I know if I loved someone I would have fought harder for them ...tried harder to make it work...I havn't talked to him since danielle died...and now I wouldn't know what to say...
I like someone again...maybe not the best idea but I can't help it with the liking...we'll see...
so its snowing an insane amount here on thornhill and riley says its danielle's christmas present ...so thanks dani ...I won't be able to get out of the driveway tommorrow....I went for a run in the snow and told her I loved her...yeah I talk out loud to my dead cousin ..and run in the snow...
theres probably alot of people out there who think that when it snows or the power turns on and off or ..pictures fall that its someone they loved whos gone trying to say something ...and I wonder how many times thats actually true ...if at all ...I think people think what they need to think is true...I'm skeptical of alot of things lately ...things would probably be easier on me if I let myself believe all this stuff but I've never been sure what I believe about life and death and danielle's death hasn't changed that.
2008 is going to come...its like at least in 2007 you are still in a year that danielle existed in too ...2008 ...she never saw 2008 so it seems wrong that we are going to live in 2008 without her ever knowing it...the whole thing I think will always seem wrong.
drat. this entry was going to be short...
I talked about it alot to nathan...I havn't seen or heard from him though in almost a month so I'm angry that I let him in so much...I had other people who would have listioned but he just seemed to know what to say ...although now I doubt he was actually caring or hearing me. I guess I'll think of him as a nice distraction ...having that distraction did help a little for awhile. I mean it goes both ways ...I could be phoning or talking to him over the break ..but I almost feel like if he really cared he'd check in first or something ...or you know...say happy birthday ...and also I don't want to talk to him ...I don't think I've ever lost feelings for someone so quickly ...I can't even seem to think of someone who would hurt me so needlessly and with such ease as a friend. I have real friends and I wish I'd talked to one of them these past months.
I've been thinking about zach ...and how maybe I didn't love him ..I don't think he was lying when he said it to me ...I thought I loved him ...alexis said that you don't think it though you know it ...and I know if I loved someone I would have fought harder for them ...tried harder to make it work...I havn't talked to him since danielle died...and now I wouldn't know what to say...
I like someone again...maybe not the best idea but I can't help it with the liking...we'll see...
so its snowing an insane amount here on thornhill and riley says its danielle's christmas present ...so thanks dani ...I won't be able to get out of the driveway tommorrow....I went for a run in the snow and told her I loved her...yeah I talk out loud to my dead cousin ..and run in the snow...
theres probably alot of people out there who think that when it snows or the power turns on and off or ..pictures fall that its someone they loved whos gone trying to say something ...and I wonder how many times thats actually true ...if at all ...I think people think what they need to think is true...I'm skeptical of alot of things lately ...things would probably be easier on me if I let myself believe all this stuff but I've never been sure what I believe about life and death and danielle's death hasn't changed that.
2008 is going to come...its like at least in 2007 you are still in a year that danielle existed in too ...2008 ...she never saw 2008 so it seems wrong that we are going to live in 2008 without her ever knowing it...the whole thing I think will always seem wrong.
drat. this entry was going to be short...