Canada's New Immigration Problem
I wrote this in October 2012. I was writing for a now-defunct satire magazine called "The Global Edition." This was the second most popular story that I wrote but was clearly a better story than the one that was the most popular. (From Memory the title of that story was "Bob Dylan admits a 50-year hoax, he can't sing.")
From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop illegal immigration.
The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night.
'I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,' said Manitoba
farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The
producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry. He asked me if I could spare
a latte and some free-range chicken.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterrenko erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. 'Not real effective,' he
said. 'The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk.'
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. 'A lot
of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,' an Ontario
border patrolman said. 'I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water.' They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.'
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves
from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for
the Rapture.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on
bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to
prove they were alive in the '50s. 'If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about
their age,' an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. 'I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them,' an Ottawa resident said. 'How many
art history and English majors does one country need?'
--
From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop illegal immigration.
The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night.
'I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,' said Manitoba
farmer Red Nesterenko, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The
producer was cold, exhausted, and hungry. He asked me if I could spare
a latte and some free-range chicken.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Nesterrenko erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. 'Not real effective,' he
said. 'The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk.'
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. 'A lot
of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,' an Ontario
border patrolman said. 'I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water.' They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.'
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves
from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for
the Rapture.
In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on
bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to
prove they were alive in the '50s. 'If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about
their age,' an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. 'I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them,' an Ottawa resident said. 'How many
art history and English majors does one country need?'
--