and i don't know where to look;my words just break and melt. please just save me from this darkness.
[mood| 
]
[music| Placebo, TAI, Snow Patrol, etc...]
It's probably way too late for me to be writing. So this might not make much sense.
I'm just...I don't know. I'm really starting to feel it. It's ridiculous, too, because I know what will fix it, I just don't make the proper moves toward anything. Maybe it's laziness, maybe it's fear of change, maybe it's fear of failure. Something, though, is keeping me locked in my room, not going out and finding work, not going to my grandma's even though she's 85 and looking more and more frail, not...everything.
I don't like going many places anymore because I'm always asked where I work. If I have a job. "Nowhere." "Nope." "Not yet." "Waiting to hear from so and so." I'm so tired of being left hanging. I have all these back-up plans in my head and they just keep failing, and I'm not sure why. And it's funny. All I want is fucking part-time work, something easy and brainless, something that should be easy for me to get considering I have a ton of customer service experience. So what the fuck is wrong with me?
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the economy. Maybe it's the wrong places at the wrong times. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe maybe maybe.
I'm so lonely it's become a dull ache.
And there are people I can call. But I don't. Mostly because I don't like talking on the phone.
I can talk to my parents, if I really wanted. But I don't want to.
I have to keep them at a safe distance now that we're living together. Or so that's what my brain's conclusion is. They might get a peek into what's really going on, and then invade, and I don't know why I resist them so much, but I do. I figure I know myself better, I know what all my options are, and what will work. Even if I know it's not true, I still bury my problems as deeply inside myself and away from them as I possibly can, so they won't be able to see, and I assume I'll get around to helping myself. And every time I end up telling them something, I feel better, but it's that anticipation. They're just going to tell me exactly what I already know, what I've been telling myself. They'll see that I'm weak and not really this person who has it all together.
I've been told a lot of times that I'm strong, but I don't feel it right now. I feel so low it's beginning to feel scary. I feel as though I have nothing, nothing to offer.
And my body's starting to act out worse than it ever has before.
I have migraine-like headaches that only time can cure. Hours and hours. And my stomach has been reacting like it can't take anything but what's already in it, and it feels empty. And for a little while I feel relief, but otherwise I have these ulcer-ish and acidic pains. And god, I had caffeine today by default, just habit really. I wasn't even thinking. And I felt so sick for hours.
I go out once in a while, but it feels like I've been trapped within these four walls for a lot longer. Trapped, and of my own volition, and I really don't know how to get out anymore.
I'm even distancing myself from people online. And fuck, isn't it supposed to be easiest to talk online? Without the restriction of seeing a reaction? With the comfort of having a moment to process what you're going to say before you say it? Before you say too much?
Things...aren't that bad for me, either. That's the whole thing. I feel fucking pathetic. My parents are spoiling me. Maybe not like, to a huge extent, but there's no way I could be at want for anything right now, and I'm not working. I'm not going to school. God knows how irritated they're becoming with me because I haven't been trying, but they also don't know I'm in here crying.
I've also been realizing some feelings that I've been having that I used to find ridiculous in others. I don't want to elaborate on that just yet because I'm not fully comfortable with it, but it's one of those things where you feel like you hit a huge brick wall, and there's just...nothing to do but forget about it. It's not really a possibility. A distant one maybe, but not a realistic one.
I feel like I've said enough.
I'd like to end this by saying I think I'll be okay, but this time I'm just not completely sure, as melodramatic as that sounds.
Maybe I need meds or something. Maybe I just need a job. Maybe I just needed to write this all out so I can stop moping.
I don't know, I feel kinda like I'm going crazy, though. Nothing makes sense anymore.
]
[music| Placebo, TAI, Snow Patrol, etc...]
It's probably way too late for me to be writing. So this might not make much sense.
I'm just...I don't know. I'm really starting to feel it. It's ridiculous, too, because I know what will fix it, I just don't make the proper moves toward anything. Maybe it's laziness, maybe it's fear of change, maybe it's fear of failure. Something, though, is keeping me locked in my room, not going out and finding work, not going to my grandma's even though she's 85 and looking more and more frail, not...everything.
I don't like going many places anymore because I'm always asked where I work. If I have a job. "Nowhere." "Nope." "Not yet." "Waiting to hear from so and so." I'm so tired of being left hanging. I have all these back-up plans in my head and they just keep failing, and I'm not sure why. And it's funny. All I want is fucking part-time work, something easy and brainless, something that should be easy for me to get considering I have a ton of customer service experience. So what the fuck is wrong with me?
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the economy. Maybe it's the wrong places at the wrong times. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe maybe maybe.
I'm so lonely it's become a dull ache.
And there are people I can call. But I don't. Mostly because I don't like talking on the phone.
I can talk to my parents, if I really wanted. But I don't want to.
I have to keep them at a safe distance now that we're living together. Or so that's what my brain's conclusion is. They might get a peek into what's really going on, and then invade, and I don't know why I resist them so much, but I do. I figure I know myself better, I know what all my options are, and what will work. Even if I know it's not true, I still bury my problems as deeply inside myself and away from them as I possibly can, so they won't be able to see, and I assume I'll get around to helping myself. And every time I end up telling them something, I feel better, but it's that anticipation. They're just going to tell me exactly what I already know, what I've been telling myself. They'll see that I'm weak and not really this person who has it all together.
I've been told a lot of times that I'm strong, but I don't feel it right now. I feel so low it's beginning to feel scary. I feel as though I have nothing, nothing to offer.
And my body's starting to act out worse than it ever has before.
I have migraine-like headaches that only time can cure. Hours and hours. And my stomach has been reacting like it can't take anything but what's already in it, and it feels empty. And for a little while I feel relief, but otherwise I have these ulcer-ish and acidic pains. And god, I had caffeine today by default, just habit really. I wasn't even thinking. And I felt so sick for hours.
I go out once in a while, but it feels like I've been trapped within these four walls for a lot longer. Trapped, and of my own volition, and I really don't know how to get out anymore.
I'm even distancing myself from people online. And fuck, isn't it supposed to be easiest to talk online? Without the restriction of seeing a reaction? With the comfort of having a moment to process what you're going to say before you say it? Before you say too much?
Things...aren't that bad for me, either. That's the whole thing. I feel fucking pathetic. My parents are spoiling me. Maybe not like, to a huge extent, but there's no way I could be at want for anything right now, and I'm not working. I'm not going to school. God knows how irritated they're becoming with me because I haven't been trying, but they also don't know I'm in here crying.
I've also been realizing some feelings that I've been having that I used to find ridiculous in others. I don't want to elaborate on that just yet because I'm not fully comfortable with it, but it's one of those things where you feel like you hit a huge brick wall, and there's just...nothing to do but forget about it. It's not really a possibility. A distant one maybe, but not a realistic one.
I feel like I've said enough.
I'd like to end this by saying I think I'll be okay, but this time I'm just not completely sure, as melodramatic as that sounds.
Maybe I need meds or something. Maybe I just need a job. Maybe I just needed to write this all out so I can stop moping.
I don't know, I feel kinda like I'm going crazy, though. Nothing makes sense anymore.