First Love
(Another repost.)
Jessian.
How different would my life be now if I had never loved you?
And I did. Which you knew, of course. Clumsy child, blushing each time you would catch me staring, shivering every time your hand brushed mine as you adjusted my grip on the bow shaft. Sometimes I would hold it wrong on purpose, just to have that closeness. Your strength pressed against me, your breath on my cheek, the smell of you, the wonder of your smile when that small correction made the next bolt fly true.
Did I chose this path because it was your path and my pitiful heart just tripped along behind you? Or did my heart cling to you so tightly because it knew that you would put it on the path for which it was meant? Which came first, the love or the choice? The strider or the egg? I do not think I will ever know.
I never thought to have you. You were not mine to have. You were hers. You are stil hers, ever hers, no matter what you might say now. Torian is right. I am not Liirian. And you are not mine. You have already proven that.
I was thrilled when you came home again. So selfishly happy to have you to myself. Big empty house that had become a cell, a tomb, echoing with the ghost of the woman I would never be. I think you sensed it too and wanted no part in it. A ride, you said, and I agreed. Picnic by the lake. Wine and endless talking. SO good to lie under the stars and talk with someone who had no favor to curry, no orders to give, who wanted nothing at all from me but a moment of peace and remembering.
Did we mention her at all? I don't think we did. But she was there the whole time. In every word, in every pause between words. Always there. There when we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the lake for a swim. There when our lips touched. There as we rolled onto the bank. There in your breath and your touch and the heartstopping wonder of your eyes looking down on me with love and desire like every selfish wish come true. And there at the end as you fell against my shoulder and whispered her name.
Should I have been joyous when you asked for my hand? Grateful to have what I had always thought I wanted?
But I could never have you Jessian. Not in truth. Someday I hope you'll understand.
I had no choice but to run.
Jessian.
How different would my life be now if I had never loved you?
And I did. Which you knew, of course. Clumsy child, blushing each time you would catch me staring, shivering every time your hand brushed mine as you adjusted my grip on the bow shaft. Sometimes I would hold it wrong on purpose, just to have that closeness. Your strength pressed against me, your breath on my cheek, the smell of you, the wonder of your smile when that small correction made the next bolt fly true.
Did I chose this path because it was your path and my pitiful heart just tripped along behind you? Or did my heart cling to you so tightly because it knew that you would put it on the path for which it was meant? Which came first, the love or the choice? The strider or the egg? I do not think I will ever know.
I never thought to have you. You were not mine to have. You were hers. You are stil hers, ever hers, no matter what you might say now. Torian is right. I am not Liirian. And you are not mine. You have already proven that.
I was thrilled when you came home again. So selfishly happy to have you to myself. Big empty house that had become a cell, a tomb, echoing with the ghost of the woman I would never be. I think you sensed it too and wanted no part in it. A ride, you said, and I agreed. Picnic by the lake. Wine and endless talking. SO good to lie under the stars and talk with someone who had no favor to curry, no orders to give, who wanted nothing at all from me but a moment of peace and remembering.
Did we mention her at all? I don't think we did. But she was there the whole time. In every word, in every pause between words. Always there. There when we slipped out of our clothes and slid into the lake for a swim. There when our lips touched. There as we rolled onto the bank. There in your breath and your touch and the heartstopping wonder of your eyes looking down on me with love and desire like every selfish wish come true. And there at the end as you fell against my shoulder and whispered her name.
Should I have been joyous when you asked for my hand? Grateful to have what I had always thought I wanted?
But I could never have you Jessian. Not in truth. Someday I hope you'll understand.
I had no choice but to run.