Can I look in the mirror and tell me that I love me?
Right now, the answer is no. But I'm working on it. I swear.
Last week, I started a journey down the long road to self-respect. Sad to say, but I really find it difficult to think terribly highly of myself in terms of anything - character, abilities, achievements, etc - and it dawned on me that maybe a huge portion of my anxiety troubles could be sorted out if I simply didn't constantly immerse myself in so much self-doubt.
It didn't help of course that I came home on Thursday, exhausted from work, fell asleep at 21:00 with my clothes on, woke up at 3:30 am and then didn't get properly to bed until an hour later (good thing I don't work Fridays). I woke up at 10:00 am the following morning (shamefully late for me, disturbed sleep pattern or no) to hear the sound of the doorbell going, stumbled out of bed, feeling quite groggy and woozy, opened the door and signed for a parcel for Natalie. I was feeling awkward enough the postman seeing me still in my pyjamas at 10:00 am, but it wasn't until after he'd gone that I realised, in my not-quite-with-it preparation a few hours before, I'd inadvertently slipped on a pyjama top which had prominent coffee stains on it, which I had meant to add to the laundry pile. Which didn't exactly boost my self-respect.
I think of myself as a pathetic failure with no real prospects ahead of me, but if I were to be truly objective, I know that isn't true. The future may be a bit wobbly and uncertain now, but when I look back, I can safely say that I have accomplished a lot within my first twenty six years of life. There may be a number of aspirations which go unfulfilled, but I know that, despite the enormous age-consciousness I feel right now, I've barely gotten started in life. My parents tell me that I'm a kind and intelligent person, I've had people say that I'm witty and interesting, and of course Hannibal and Murdock seem to like me fine, as did Scamp and Cleo before them. But I can still only see the faults. And they're niggling. It's difficult for me to have any kind of self-confidence, because whenever I try my mind always gets flooded with all these "what ifs" and critical thoughts, and I always end up feeling like I'm having to explain myself to myself, 24/7. Which is exhausting, to say the least.
I need to learn to love myself. I don't mean in a narcassistic sense, nor in a self-pitying sense. Rather, just seeing what's good in myself and allowing that knowledge to boost me forward in life, to achieve all the things I need and want to. Not feeling the need to put myself down all the time, or worrying what other people might think of/say to me. I need to feel confidence in who I am, to feel that I have the inner strength and qualities I need to get by in life. To show the world what I have to offer. There's so much I want to do and try, which I feel immobilised in, because I talk myself out of it before I've even gotten going.
It's hard. So hard. But I'll do it. As weak and vulnerable as I often coerce myself into feeling, I know that I'm strong at heart. And that I have a good heart too. I won't lose sight of that.