Aftter an Epic Fucking Nosebleed
Unhealthy thought has come to haunt me for the beginning of the semester-- how fucking nice. I don't know what I need; I keep thinking about anti-anxiety meds. Because even when I know better than to think negatively, or look for something that isn't there, these thoughts come back around. They're not completely dead, and it seems like fighting them off has been really hard these past couple of days.
Point is, I'm sick of this and I know I'm stronger than I think, and I want to get rid of the stress that makes me think otherwise. I'm going back to counseling, and I think some time each week to talk to myself and actually have to listen will be good. There is no fucking reason to be on the verge of tears all the time.
Some goals/positive affirmations (just to start the morning off well):
-I am not alone, and having company does not strip independence.
(Or, in other words, just because I'm being accompanied to a doctor's appointment doesn't mean I couldn't have gone on my own-- company is a good thing! Jess likes company! Remember, Jess? Oh ok.)(Or even in other words, friends are company, not crutches. You know that!)
-I'm the only one who knows what I want, or what I am thinking, or what will make me happiest. Every time I dismiss my own desires I make sure I find unhappiness.
("A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." - Emerson, in Self-Reliance)
-I am not an alcoholic.
-I love myself, therefore I treat myself well.
I'm going back to complimenting myself everyday. I need to be reminded that I can handle this semester.
Also, I worked out yesterday and still haven't showered. Went on an epic booze run instead. 3 sketchy mini-marts later, we drove to Berkeley and bought a handle off of someone who was going to give it to us for free.
Point is, I'm sick of this and I know I'm stronger than I think, and I want to get rid of the stress that makes me think otherwise. I'm going back to counseling, and I think some time each week to talk to myself and actually have to listen will be good. There is no fucking reason to be on the verge of tears all the time.
Some goals/positive affirmations (just to start the morning off well):
-I am not alone, and having company does not strip independence.
(Or, in other words, just because I'm being accompanied to a doctor's appointment doesn't mean I couldn't have gone on my own-- company is a good thing! Jess likes company! Remember, Jess? Oh ok.)(Or even in other words, friends are company, not crutches. You know that!)
-I'm the only one who knows what I want, or what I am thinking, or what will make me happiest. Every time I dismiss my own desires I make sure I find unhappiness.
("A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which flashes across his mind from within, more than the lustre of the firmament of bards and sages. Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his. In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." - Emerson, in Self-Reliance)
-I am not an alcoholic.
-I love myself, therefore I treat myself well.
I'm going back to complimenting myself everyday. I need to be reminded that I can handle this semester.
Also, I worked out yesterday and still haven't showered. Went on an epic booze run instead. 3 sketchy mini-marts later, we drove to Berkeley and bought a handle off of someone who was going to give it to us for free.