Hmmahh renovations on Ceile again?
The weather has shifted.
Haru wa soko ni kite'ta!
Why is it that I think the most when the weather is changing? Maybe that goes along with the same unwritten law that says that more stuff can get done when one is already busy or that during periods of conflict, theories float around everywhere!
Anyway
It gets me thinking. And the only thing I can resolve/conclude is that I need to do more thinking about things!
Such as, maybe it is time that I shifted my character a bit again and maybe I need to redefine my faith and such things, as they may not be up to speed.
Wheee off I go rambling about my life! :D yay! --Sorries to be incessantly talking again!
(Don't take me wrong, I am not depressed - lol! I am just trying to figure out what I can do to make my life a better one...)
I have always been aware of the fact that life changes, but even so, I used to fight that when I was young^^ I tried to freeze time but that didn't work, obviously. In general, I went through a few stages and in each I sought something new:
--When I was in middle school I sought the beauty of ideals (which is according to Plato, the middle of the ladder O.o) So, to find beauty, I read books, wrote stories, daydreamed.... I was pretty naive^^
--Then, moving into later high school and early high school it was wisdom! To find wisdom I figured I had to suffer (seeing as I had done little of that during my life) so I went abroad..and I learned that suffering is bad but at least it led to appriciation.
--At that point, all I cared about was appriciation and respect and since the world didnt seem to understand those concepts as much as I wished, I grew terribly cynical and angery. It didn't help that I was forced to grow up and choose a future....
--I figured I would pick the hardest thing possible and proove my Irish stubbornness and excell in it...but a double Biology-Japanese Major was a bit much for someone who hated labs.....so...
---I finally came to the conclusion that all that mattered was trying to find the beauty in life and live it as I would an art and just be as appriciative, pure-minded, genki, and patient with people as possible.
That sounded good...but..I feel like I am hitting another fork in the road. I feel like I am stuck in between - let me explain:
When I was younger I felt as though I wanted to retain my purity at all costs and sacrifice myself for some idea and therefore be beautiful. That was what I told myself. But, because I was so close to my family, I couldn't just die because I would make them very sad so I decided to leave them and suffer where they wouldn't be able to see me so I could grow in wisdom (which I did and could kick myself for!! lol! silly me :p) So, in conclusion, whatever I did I kept my family in mind. (I was never really told to do stuff for myself and be a fighter when I was young, especially with the church to conform to)
Later...At some point between this and last year I began to wonder if it was possible that I could fall in love. I had always considered that as impossible! I was a bookworm and my own kind of philosopher - I didnt have time for silly things like dating (like HIWATARI!)..That was the attitude that I got when I was young: "romance is blah - do something more holy and upright and God-like with your time!" But at some point I realized how nice it must be for a person to have someone that they could share their innermost thoughts, dreams, and interests with. I figured that maybe, in some insane twist of fate, maybe one day I could fall in love. It has yet to happen
So now, I am in between because I have left my family behind to gain my education but I have no single soul to call my new family and therefore I sometimes feel rather alone - but, as I have said before, it doesn't get to me often. usually the anime obsessions fill in that gap ^_^ But, other than anime to think about, I don't have a family to please anymore. Sometimes I wish I had a person I could do stuff for :3 I like that sense of accomplishment from hard work and from doing things for others but the only people I can do stuff for these days are in my head O.o I wish my time could be wasted on something more significant! ^_^
So, I don't know whether I need to do another "renovation" of character and set a new goal? I don't know what goal to set, but I do know that my attitudes are slowly and reluctantly changing. I guess I can't set any naive goals of ideals (like wisdom or purity or beauty) since I know now that they are rather unobtainable - good to have in mind but not good to base one's life on them alone cause they will be disappointed a lot (I know how that goes ><). Hmmm I dunno. Guess I will stick to my old fashioned mental wanderings and vague goals till I find something else, ne? :D
I guess I have in the past lived my life like a Hikari, except intentionally -
Spent my time growing too intellectual for a young age (though, no I didnt graduate from college at the age of 14 ;p) but also wanted to live and yet that other side inside of me forced me to suffer because in some way that was connect to beauty and now that that Krad is gone I have been left wondering how to enjoy life
^_^
Haru wa soko ni kite'ta!
Why is it that I think the most when the weather is changing? Maybe that goes along with the same unwritten law that says that more stuff can get done when one is already busy or that during periods of conflict, theories float around everywhere!
Anyway
It gets me thinking. And the only thing I can resolve/conclude is that I need to do more thinking about things!
Such as, maybe it is time that I shifted my character a bit again and maybe I need to redefine my faith and such things, as they may not be up to speed.
Wheee off I go rambling about my life! :D yay! --Sorries to be incessantly talking again!
(Don't take me wrong, I am not depressed - lol! I am just trying to figure out what I can do to make my life a better one...)
I have always been aware of the fact that life changes, but even so, I used to fight that when I was young^^ I tried to freeze time but that didn't work, obviously. In general, I went through a few stages and in each I sought something new:
--When I was in middle school I sought the beauty of ideals (which is according to Plato, the middle of the ladder O.o) So, to find beauty, I read books, wrote stories, daydreamed.... I was pretty naive^^
--Then, moving into later high school and early high school it was wisdom! To find wisdom I figured I had to suffer (seeing as I had done little of that during my life) so I went abroad..and I learned that suffering is bad but at least it led to appriciation.
--At that point, all I cared about was appriciation and respect and since the world didnt seem to understand those concepts as much as I wished, I grew terribly cynical and angery. It didn't help that I was forced to grow up and choose a future....
--I figured I would pick the hardest thing possible and proove my Irish stubbornness and excell in it...but a double Biology-Japanese Major was a bit much for someone who hated labs.....so...
---I finally came to the conclusion that all that mattered was trying to find the beauty in life and live it as I would an art and just be as appriciative, pure-minded, genki, and patient with people as possible.
That sounded good...but..I feel like I am hitting another fork in the road. I feel like I am stuck in between - let me explain:
When I was younger I felt as though I wanted to retain my purity at all costs and sacrifice myself for some idea and therefore be beautiful. That was what I told myself. But, because I was so close to my family, I couldn't just die because I would make them very sad so I decided to leave them and suffer where they wouldn't be able to see me so I could grow in wisdom (which I did and could kick myself for!! lol! silly me :p) So, in conclusion, whatever I did I kept my family in mind. (I was never really told to do stuff for myself and be a fighter when I was young, especially with the church to conform to)
Later...At some point between this and last year I began to wonder if it was possible that I could fall in love. I had always considered that as impossible! I was a bookworm and my own kind of philosopher - I didnt have time for silly things like dating (like HIWATARI!)..That was the attitude that I got when I was young: "romance is blah - do something more holy and upright and God-like with your time!" But at some point I realized how nice it must be for a person to have someone that they could share their innermost thoughts, dreams, and interests with. I figured that maybe, in some insane twist of fate, maybe one day I could fall in love. It has yet to happen
So now, I am in between because I have left my family behind to gain my education but I have no single soul to call my new family and therefore I sometimes feel rather alone - but, as I have said before, it doesn't get to me often. usually the anime obsessions fill in that gap ^_^ But, other than anime to think about, I don't have a family to please anymore. Sometimes I wish I had a person I could do stuff for :3 I like that sense of accomplishment from hard work and from doing things for others but the only people I can do stuff for these days are in my head O.o I wish my time could be wasted on something more significant! ^_^
So, I don't know whether I need to do another "renovation" of character and set a new goal? I don't know what goal to set, but I do know that my attitudes are slowly and reluctantly changing. I guess I can't set any naive goals of ideals (like wisdom or purity or beauty) since I know now that they are rather unobtainable - good to have in mind but not good to base one's life on them alone cause they will be disappointed a lot (I know how that goes ><). Hmmm I dunno. Guess I will stick to my old fashioned mental wanderings and vague goals till I find something else, ne? :D
I guess I have in the past lived my life like a Hikari, except intentionally -
Spent my time growing too intellectual for a young age (though, no I didnt graduate from college at the age of 14 ;p) but also wanted to live and yet that other side inside of me forced me to suffer because in some way that was connect to beauty and now that that Krad is gone I have been left wondering how to enjoy life
^_^