More Love.
I guess I should start off by saying, it has been a long time for me to write here. Since my last entry I have had two beautiful girls that are 10mos apart. My brother Jim is living with us, and James and I are doing fine. Marriage is definitely hard. It is hard to need so much from a person who seems to only give 50%. I want a man who is there for me when I need him. Not to make me feel as though I am a burden and just around as a convenience of taking care of his children. I have thought a lot recently about what it is I need instead of focusing on what others need. I want someone to love me as much as I love them. I need someone to do things for me without me telling them to. I don't mean to sound selfish but if I am not happy then how can this marriage continue. Every night I sleep downstairs, not because of him but because we have a newborn daughter, and it is easier to stay in one place than run up and down the stairs all night. I just wish for one night I could be the one to sleep in the bed and sleep all night long without having to worry about getting up in the middle of the night. James doesn't understand the amount of stress I am under. I can't talk to him about it, he takes it as bitching! I miss the way I was when I was single. Even though the relationships were meaningless it still gave me the attention that I feel i deserve. I am not an ugly person and for having two kids back to back I would say I look damn good. James has become comfortable. He has never really gone out of his way to make me happy. If I were to tell any of this to him he would deny it and it would start a fight. So this is where I am confused. Do I maintain what is going on or do I leave and start a new life with someone who will worship me as I do them. I love James with every inch of my soul and would hate to lose him. It just seems unfair that he makes no attempt to tell me he loves me unless he is going somewhere (i.e. to work, to bed). I want someone to just look at me in the eyes and tell me that I am the best thing that has ever happened to them. It hurts my heart and soul to know that all my love is just being wasted on someone who doesn't appreciate it. He would rather have his dogs lick on him than me. I feel so unloved. I wanted to write a really nice journal entry about how my life is really great, comparatively it is, yet there is something missing in my life. How much more can I take? How much longer can I miss someone who is right there? How much longer can I endure a life of no love? I need more, more than I think he is willing to give. There should be more romance. There should be more love. More Love.