Once again...
Well things have been pretty good. James and I haven't been fighting that much. There is just something wrong with me right now. I really feel weird about things. I am pregnant so maybe I am just being over emotional. All I know is that I am once again questioning whether I should be in this marriage. I can't talk to James about anything and if i do i have to walk on egg shells. I know he loves me. It speaks highly of him that he is still around even though I cheated on him but I am starting to re-understand why i cheated in the first place. James is one of the most unemotional person I have ever met. Even when he is super excited he is still marginally emotionally (barely enough for a 3 on a 1 to 10 scale). Call me weird but I would love for him to call me one day just to hear my voice. I would love to have him say "I have missed you so much and it makes me feel so much better to hear your voice". It would make me feel great if he could once in a while just really tell me how he is feeling but after almost 5 years of marriage I don't know what I expect. I love him so much but I feel empty. I feel like I am alone. I want some passion. He is deployed but he can still try. My heart is constantly aching as i struggle through each day. I mean is it really that much to ask to have someone love you. I don't mean that "i am getting off the phone so i am gonna let you know i love you" kind of love, is it so much to ask for someone to love me dammit. I am so sick and tired of trying so damn hard. I know marriage is work but come on, i deserve for him to love me for god's sake i am carrying his third child. I should feel guilty about cheating on him but i don't anymore. While I was deployed he was "seeing" this stupid girl Noel but he swears up and down nothing happend. I don't even care if it did i just hate being lied to. I am so scared. I don't wanna waste anymore time on an empty love.