(no subject)
so.. i did the craziest mind exersize.. completely sober too. about 3, 4 nights ago..
sometimes, when im feeling really down when i go to bed, ill just lay there and say.. 'dont wake up.. don't wake up' over and over again. each time someones face, or something i've done wrong will flash and i'll say 'dont wake up'. never have to hesitate, i have no shortage of people's lives i've made worse, people's lives that would be better if i were dead. and i was doing that.. then i thought, i need to cheer up. i think im gonna take a walk through my life..
so i layed on my stomach and buried my head in my pillows (the entire time, awake and semi-conscious. this was entirely self induced) and i let my imagination take me to the beginning.
i woke up in my bunk bed, in the trailer i grew up in. it was morning, summer, and the sun was shining. everyone in my house was asleep. i climbed down and mikey was there, maybe 8 years old. with his hair still his natural blonde, just sleeping peacefully. i didn't wake him up. i just smiled, and i kept this same smile throughout the entire trip. i walked down the long hallway and touched the curtains. i remember the color and texture of the curtains, i never did before. i turned to my sisters room and picked up a tiny mirror. that's when i remembered how one day, when i was about 5, i split my lip open. then next morning i woke up and my lips were sealed shut with blood. i stopped at her room and looked in her mirror and saw it. that day my mother gave me icecream for breakfast but i couldn't get the spoon through the blood. it was sealed like elmers glue. so she took me to town especially just to get me a twisty straw. but now when i looked in the mirror, i just smiled and said 'nah, my lips are fine now.' and walked through the hallway, and then i remember the paneling. it was a rough wood luan panel. it had little staples from where i had to stand with my face to the wall when i would act up. but now the staples were bent in, i touched em and sayed, 'the staples aren't gonna cut me now..' i went through the living room and saw my parents, they were laying in their little homemade bedroom.. thing, sleeping. they were spooning and i thought, 'wow, they're still together, they're really in love.' it never once crossed my mind (though completely conscious and only 10 minutes in) that they dont love eachother. i believed it.
i went outside and remembered i wasnt allowed to play out there if the grass was still wet from the dew. so i touched it and it was dry, and i said 'should be okay to walk in' i went over to my grandparents house and looked down the patio. then i remembered one day, when my little cousin angel was up from ohio, that a humming bird flew into my window and broke its neck. i was going to 'take care' of it, when she through a fit about me killing it. so i dropped it on the cement and stomped on it right in front of her. so she had a little funeral and buried him next to this giant popple tree in the back. so i walked out to the tree, and there was a humming bird flyin through the branches, and i said 'see, that humming bird is doing just fine. it's just chilling up in this tree.' angel was there, flying a kite in the back yard, just around in circles, and brandy was out there, though she's (i think) 3 years older than angel, she was only 2, in this little red velvet dress i remember she would wear on holidays. then i thought, i think i want to visit florida.
now i dont remember a whole lot of florida, so i figured i'd go. i was at the trailer park i lived at, at the marina, walking the sea wall. the neighbor kid, his name was jason, who i used to play with was fishing on the wall, and asked me if i wanted to fish. i said 'nah man, im just here to visit, you can have all these fish to yourself.' then my mother went floating by, with brandy, in a raft. when i lived in florida, my mother bought her and brandy a 2 man raft, at the same time i bought myself a 3 man, i was rollin.. 12 years old with a boat all my own. 6 feet long, could hold like 500 lbs. i was a pimp.. they were in THIS raft. she smiled and waved at me hysterically.. she said 'i love it down here, it's warm all the time! thanks for letting me use your raft, brandy and i have done this everyday this week. it's so beautiful.' and it was.. even though it's a shit hole, what i saw was beautiful, and i could smell the ocean. so i waved back, said 'dont mention it' and decided to go to school.
i remember i had this big jamaican woman teacher. i think it was for english but i may be wrong. my first day of school there, i told her my name 'jeffrey mousseau' and she replied, 'oh, parlez-vous francais?' i said no.. because i dont. but now she was teaching this entire english class in nothing but french. and i had a conversation with her.. in nothing but french. and i thought, 'i dont have a clue what we're talking about, but everythings going to be alright. everythings ok.' i said my goodbyes and left my mindscape.
i just layed there, with the same smile i had on my face the entire time, and felt so much better, so good i almost cried tears of joy. said to myself 'that was nice' and went to sleep.......
sometimes, when im feeling really down when i go to bed, ill just lay there and say.. 'dont wake up.. don't wake up' over and over again. each time someones face, or something i've done wrong will flash and i'll say 'dont wake up'. never have to hesitate, i have no shortage of people's lives i've made worse, people's lives that would be better if i were dead. and i was doing that.. then i thought, i need to cheer up. i think im gonna take a walk through my life..
so i layed on my stomach and buried my head in my pillows (the entire time, awake and semi-conscious. this was entirely self induced) and i let my imagination take me to the beginning.
i woke up in my bunk bed, in the trailer i grew up in. it was morning, summer, and the sun was shining. everyone in my house was asleep. i climbed down and mikey was there, maybe 8 years old. with his hair still his natural blonde, just sleeping peacefully. i didn't wake him up. i just smiled, and i kept this same smile throughout the entire trip. i walked down the long hallway and touched the curtains. i remember the color and texture of the curtains, i never did before. i turned to my sisters room and picked up a tiny mirror. that's when i remembered how one day, when i was about 5, i split my lip open. then next morning i woke up and my lips were sealed shut with blood. i stopped at her room and looked in her mirror and saw it. that day my mother gave me icecream for breakfast but i couldn't get the spoon through the blood. it was sealed like elmers glue. so she took me to town especially just to get me a twisty straw. but now when i looked in the mirror, i just smiled and said 'nah, my lips are fine now.' and walked through the hallway, and then i remember the paneling. it was a rough wood luan panel. it had little staples from where i had to stand with my face to the wall when i would act up. but now the staples were bent in, i touched em and sayed, 'the staples aren't gonna cut me now..' i went through the living room and saw my parents, they were laying in their little homemade bedroom.. thing, sleeping. they were spooning and i thought, 'wow, they're still together, they're really in love.' it never once crossed my mind (though completely conscious and only 10 minutes in) that they dont love eachother. i believed it.
i went outside and remembered i wasnt allowed to play out there if the grass was still wet from the dew. so i touched it and it was dry, and i said 'should be okay to walk in' i went over to my grandparents house and looked down the patio. then i remembered one day, when my little cousin angel was up from ohio, that a humming bird flew into my window and broke its neck. i was going to 'take care' of it, when she through a fit about me killing it. so i dropped it on the cement and stomped on it right in front of her. so she had a little funeral and buried him next to this giant popple tree in the back. so i walked out to the tree, and there was a humming bird flyin through the branches, and i said 'see, that humming bird is doing just fine. it's just chilling up in this tree.' angel was there, flying a kite in the back yard, just around in circles, and brandy was out there, though she's (i think) 3 years older than angel, she was only 2, in this little red velvet dress i remember she would wear on holidays. then i thought, i think i want to visit florida.
now i dont remember a whole lot of florida, so i figured i'd go. i was at the trailer park i lived at, at the marina, walking the sea wall. the neighbor kid, his name was jason, who i used to play with was fishing on the wall, and asked me if i wanted to fish. i said 'nah man, im just here to visit, you can have all these fish to yourself.' then my mother went floating by, with brandy, in a raft. when i lived in florida, my mother bought her and brandy a 2 man raft, at the same time i bought myself a 3 man, i was rollin.. 12 years old with a boat all my own. 6 feet long, could hold like 500 lbs. i was a pimp.. they were in THIS raft. she smiled and waved at me hysterically.. she said 'i love it down here, it's warm all the time! thanks for letting me use your raft, brandy and i have done this everyday this week. it's so beautiful.' and it was.. even though it's a shit hole, what i saw was beautiful, and i could smell the ocean. so i waved back, said 'dont mention it' and decided to go to school.
i remember i had this big jamaican woman teacher. i think it was for english but i may be wrong. my first day of school there, i told her my name 'jeffrey mousseau' and she replied, 'oh, parlez-vous francais?' i said no.. because i dont. but now she was teaching this entire english class in nothing but french. and i had a conversation with her.. in nothing but french. and i thought, 'i dont have a clue what we're talking about, but everythings going to be alright. everythings ok.' i said my goodbyes and left my mindscape.
i just layed there, with the same smile i had on my face the entire time, and felt so much better, so good i almost cried tears of joy. said to myself 'that was nice' and went to sleep.......