(no subject)
so a people sometimes regard me as a bit of a player. i wouldn't say it's entirely true. why am i such a dog? i wasn't always. for the longest time, i was the most horrible person alive, and i loved it. i didnt care about anyone but myself, and i wasnt out to impress anyone, only to leave my impression. and i did. i was a monster. but then, i actually gave in to a girl. i met ashlee in august. i made it a point to control myself and eventually change just not to give the wrong impression. not particularly to her at the time, but thats how it worked out. we got close, and ended up in a love triangle between her, myself and her bf who's a pussy and an asshole. oh people just loved the new me. everyone but the person i wanted to anyway. even heather was into it, someone who i made cry on numerous occasions, just for the fun of it. eventually ashlee and i had a falling out. after some shit talking and arguments, i found out that she had cheated on her bf while we were even still talking. thats when i really started to hate her. because if idda gotten what i wanted, what i thought could actually make me happy, thata been me she was cheatin on. and idda only been more hurt in the long run. since she's done nothing but talk shit about me and instigate fights. till now.
lately she's been trying to be my friend. talk about things, like she never could before. i woudlnt talk, no matter what, but made it clear to her how much i hated her and even threatened to burn her house down. on friday i made the mistake, while drunk to call her just to let her know just why i hated her. luckily she wasnt home and when she called back i was too drunk to talk. but then last night she got on msn. after a while of talking she finally got me to tell her why i was so upset. about this time, linda called me and told me something ashlee told her that made her jaw drop. then 10 minutes later ashlee told me herself.. turns out she had liked me all along. then had the gall to tell me that she wouldn't have cheated on me. but would her bf that she couldn't get away from for me? she said she was scared. she still had feelings for him, that she still cant explain, but thought i was the nicest guy she had ever met... i didnt think much about it last night, and had no love loss for her today. but now i've been thinking about it. and i spent far to much time of sheer anxiety over this bitch before. im willing to believe that she wasnt playing games with me, that she is just that stupid to get herself into that situation and not know what the right thing to do is. but it doesnt mean that im about to get involved in that again, not that she even wants to. it makes me think though, why even while we were fighting she wanted to know why i 'gave up'. she said it like she didnt want me to. and i never understood it till now.
see, there's a fine line between love and hate. that's because only someone you love has the power to hurt you so bad that you can turn right around and hate their guts. well i crossed that line. and i never looked back till last night. what i saw was faint and blurry and not nearly as beautiful as i saw it from the other side. but it made me at least try and remember. more than i wanted to do. and i have more important directions to face my attention.
lately she's been trying to be my friend. talk about things, like she never could before. i woudlnt talk, no matter what, but made it clear to her how much i hated her and even threatened to burn her house down. on friday i made the mistake, while drunk to call her just to let her know just why i hated her. luckily she wasnt home and when she called back i was too drunk to talk. but then last night she got on msn. after a while of talking she finally got me to tell her why i was so upset. about this time, linda called me and told me something ashlee told her that made her jaw drop. then 10 minutes later ashlee told me herself.. turns out she had liked me all along. then had the gall to tell me that she wouldn't have cheated on me. but would her bf that she couldn't get away from for me? she said she was scared. she still had feelings for him, that she still cant explain, but thought i was the nicest guy she had ever met... i didnt think much about it last night, and had no love loss for her today. but now i've been thinking about it. and i spent far to much time of sheer anxiety over this bitch before. im willing to believe that she wasnt playing games with me, that she is just that stupid to get herself into that situation and not know what the right thing to do is. but it doesnt mean that im about to get involved in that again, not that she even wants to. it makes me think though, why even while we were fighting she wanted to know why i 'gave up'. she said it like she didnt want me to. and i never understood it till now.
see, there's a fine line between love and hate. that's because only someone you love has the power to hurt you so bad that you can turn right around and hate their guts. well i crossed that line. and i never looked back till last night. what i saw was faint and blurry and not nearly as beautiful as i saw it from the other side. but it made me at least try and remember. more than i wanted to do. and i have more important directions to face my attention.