i should feel something.... right?

[jeffypika]

i dont feel, i dont feel anyting. shes dead and its like she never even existed. that cant be normal, can it? its like the instant i heard how badly crystal had been hurt, i just acted as though she had been dead all along... i just wrote her out of my life. in that instant i accepted a life without that person in it, and that made it work.

but this was my grandmother. someone ive known my entire life. and within a week of diagnosis, shes gone. i didnt even know it was going to happen, hadnt heard about the cancer in her stomach lungs and spine. but somehow i knew i wouldnt ever see her again after the last time.... so i just assumed it didnt matter.... and now shes gone.

and

i

feel.......

nothing. not even an emptiness... just a lack of feeling. like someone told me "hey, the sky sure is up there" or somehting along those lines...... there is just no reaction, and that bothers me. my god... this is partially a conscious decision, that i realize that death is only another part of life and nothing to be worried or upset about, but even given that outlook, it seems as though i should be upset that shes dead. that shes gone and i wont ever see her again.

i dont know what i feel, but most of all i dont know why i dont know what i feel.

and thats what bothers me.