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[jeffyhasspasms]

This is just going to like spill out of me. I don't even know. I'm really dealing with some stuff right now. I'm just so confused by everything. How can God love me? It's like... I know, I talked about it earlier, that God sees me as holy and blameless and he sent his son to die for me. But why? I've done nothing to deserve his love. In fact I've

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my perspective

[katalaya]

As I read this I thought "how much of this is really based on how Jeff sees himself?" I think as people we so often get into thinking things like this man did all of these bad things so he deserves to have bad things happen to him and be unhappy, what can I do to not be like him? He must be unhappy because of what he has done. Or how could this terrible person still have good things happen to them? So much of our world seems to work that way, and so many people seem to think that way. With God though it is not about deserving. His perspective is a little different, unconditional love. I know you know that but it doesn't sound like you are experiencing it right now. It sounds like you have not really forgiven yourself for the things you did and the way you were. Maybe you did at some point, but you've gone back to dwell on it. Forgiving and accepting yourself is so essential.

Faith is not always about feeling exhalted grand religious emotions, although that is a nice part of it. Feelings like this can sometimes be deceiving too. If you measure and experience your faith based on feelings alone... that is kind of like only eating frosting. It isn't going to sustain you for long and you are going to be very upset when it's gone. That's what I say at least.

I think you know more than you believe you do. You know that doing that old stuff will not make you happy, why? Because you stopped doing it. You saw that lifestyle for what it really was, and you have reservation about starting it again. You made that decision and that is something solid you can hold on to. Part of faith is about sticking it out in times of uncertainty, even when you don't feel comforted. You can do this, it is the simplest thing to do, although not always the easiest.

My suggestion is... when you start thinking things like "it would be so easy to go get drunk" etc. It's simple but if you are only trying to not do things, you create something like a black hole. You are just setting yourself up for weakness and a situation where you might end up doing something you tried to avoid. Instead, think of some positive things that have meaning (or at least are not destructive) that you can do. It might be a good idea to think of those things so you already have some ideas for when you are in the midst of self-doubt and feeling bad. And then do the things! Then you are striving to do something postive, rather than trying to avoid something bad. It is very simple and it will help if you have just enough hope to do it. And pray. I wish I could give you a nice big hug Jeff! The end.