Happy Easter
Hi Love,
I'm going to try to write to you in this journal of mine without breaking down and crying, ok? Maybe that way I can UPDATE and WRITE to you more.... You know that you're on my mind 24/7... but I'd just like to write stuff down so i can remember.... cuz you know how my MEMORY is... or lack thereof!!
Today, well yesterday now, was Easter... I cried cuz i was thinking of all of the past Easters with you... the egg hunts, the baskets, the dress-up clothes.....
....and lately i'm feeling GUILTY..... like how can i call myself a good mom or think of myself as being a good mom... when maybe there was something i could have said, or not said... or did.... that would have changed the stupid-ass outcome.... and then I say to myself, NO, how could i have done anything?...
and then i spend so much time going back and forth..... i'm thinking that here I am... giving some advice to other moms... and who the hell am I to give advice on child-rearing... when I couldn't even get my BABY past the age of 14!!!! eh.....
Not a lot has been going on down here... it's like a game of just survival... i'm told this changes, but.... i don't see how?!
oh and that i get so angry sometimes when i think about you being gone... the whole deal...the day you died and all of the subsequent days later...... like mostly - what the fuck?! and then i calm down..... or the drugs start to work and then i can function...
but, i friggan miss you so much - how do people do THIS?? i know i've been saying this since i started the journal, but WHY? and What's the POINT?!.....
my future does NOT include you Jeff... maybe in the HEAVENLY realm it will, who knows....but i'm just not OKAY with this....
i didn't want to get into all that, since it's been a while since I've chatted via this journal... but when i start typing, i close my eyes and don't look at the screen and just start typing.....and it just comes out... mostly all jumbled...
I have to believe that you're down here every once in a while maybe giving me a hug... well, at least that what i "have" to believe right now...... who knows how i'll feel in an hour... these swings in emotions are unreal....
But really, i gotta get back to work.... to help Stephen (well, US!)... and cuz it feels like i should be... and i know everyone in the WORLD thinks the same thing probably..... but it's a vicious circle... i need to go to my doc in Yakima to have him do something different with the meds, cuz i think i either need MORE or different ones.... but then i have such a hard time leaving the house that when it's time to leave for the appointment, i'm a freakin' idiotic basket case of nerves and panic and anxiety, that i call and cancel.....
wow - am I whining or what? ... so if your intention when you decided to, well, let's just say PLAY THAT GAME, was to drive your mother slowly insane (ok, so that's a little selfish - like your whole world revolved around me!! but....), it worked BRILLIANTLY.....
I laugh, i smile, i eat and clean and eventually get to the store and function and chat with people,... well those not avoiding me.... i LOOK like i'm somewhat normal...... but, OH MAN, if people only knew...
OK - well this isn't what i wanted to write at all in the beginning - i wanted to focus on the positive and i wanted to get through this without sending myself into a turmoil..... sheeeeeeeeeesh
I LOVE YOU JEFFREY - I MISS YOU SO MUCH - EVERY DAY IS AWFUL WITHOUT YOU.....and that sucks.....
But, i'll survive - cuz well, what else is there to do..... But you better stay with Stephen like you have been.... ok? deal?????
Thanks for the snow today.... right now I believe it was You!!! let's just leave it at that...
I want you to come back now, ok? This has been fun and all, but enuf.... come on back, ok? sheesh...
Please be happy and safe and secure and loved...wherever you are - and know that if you need to feel some love, just pop on in and say Hi - i could use the hug, ok??
Hugs & kisses... MomMoms (aka EB)