One Year without You - How is that POSSIBLE??
Hi my Sweetie
Well, you’ve been up there for entire freakin’ year... How’s it goin up there??? Not so great here...well...u know, since you’re up THERE and I’m DOWN HERE - it’s bound to not be GREAT......
Yesterday, Sunday, was way worse for Stephen and I... cuz we ended up re-living each and every step of the day at 11:00 am we were goofing about your Freshman Picture and going through the Oval of School Pictures we have a looking for your “chubby faze”...12:00 pm, you were outside banging on the drums.... 2:00 stephen started cooking....2:30..... I found you...and Stephen started CPR non-stop..2:50 the EMTs arrived.... they wouldn’t look at me or really talk to me, mostly because I think they just knew, u know? 3:30ish driving behind the back of the ambulance watching them work on you.....4:00 sitting in the hospital room, as they took an xray of the breathing tube to see if it was in place...it was... you were pronounced dead...
4:15 so many phone calls, so many caring special people around... my sitting on a chair next to you’re lifeless body, they put a warming blanket on you so I could keep on holding you so you wouldn’t be cold to the touch..... the Sheriff’s & Ellensburg PD’s Chaplain said your last rites and sat with me for quite a while as I cried next to your body, hugged you, touched you... cuz I knew it would be the last time.....
Talking with the Coroner - and so many people... people from the church came, I had never met them, and they just stood by us and hugged us........ and then they had to take your body upstairs to get which organs and tissues that they could....a team of surgeons were flying in to do this......
And then.......i remember driving home with Stephen and I kept saying over and over... it’ll be ok, it’ll be ok, it’ll be ok.........and then coming back into the house.... I don’t remember much after that, but I know my mom arrived the next day and I think so did stef and les....
SO much of this is a blur - as I suppose is normal.... but underneath all the well-wishers, and caring souls and cards and flowers and so much food from so many unbelievably special people.... all I could think of was you, my baby, I was there when you were BORN and I was there when you DIED..... no more Jeffrey... no more Jeffrey....no more Jeffrey....
And here it is - One year later.... and still, deep down, under the masks that I sometimes have to put in place and the traveling and laughing and the day to day things, the thought that still goes around in my head, under everything is....no more Jeffrey, No More Jeffrey, NO MORE JEFFREY.....
Hopefully they’re having a HUGE party with some pretty good bands, with lots of your favorite foods and that you’re happier than you’ve EVER been and you’re happy and safe....
I love you my Sweetheart, my Jemimah Puddleduck, my Goofball, goober and num-nut...
And Miss you so much it physically hurts.....
Keep an eye on Stephen, ok? He keeps this all in... and he really needs you to hold him up, ok?....
LOVE, HUGS & KISSES
Mom