(no subject)
Hi Sweetie-Pie,
I started really packing for my trip...it's so much harder than I even imagine!...I mean, since November, this place has been my only "comfort zone", even though I have a hard time being here, you know? and now I’m packing up my clothes and computer and stuff and driving from this comfort zone, to my mom's...which I'm having a hard time believing that will EVER be a "comfort zone"...
I'm so afraid that it's going to be so uptight and organized and a "have to" type place (have to squeegee down the shower walls, have to make sure things are just so, have to make sure everything stays in it's place, etc, etc...)...and honestly I just don't believe that my mom even really "likes" me at all...ugh...
Grandma has been so unreal lately - I can’t figure out WHY!? She’s been asking my Auntie Steph and Uncle Jim and Alex and God know who else... things like ‘do you think Meredith has a time scale on how long she’s staying? Is it temporary? Does she know? Well, I wanted to unload this house and now I won’t be able to....’ and so on.... ONE OF THE REASONS I’M EVEN GIVING THIS A TRY IS BECAUSE I WAS RIGHT THERE ON THE EDGE OF ENDING IT ALL, AND HAD TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING ELSE...OR I WOULDN’T BE HERE!!!!!
I’m like HEY... it’s a freakin’ HUGE step for me in my road to possibly finding peace somewhere, anywhere, maybe NOWHERE... but I didn’t realize I had to do it in a specific TIME SCALE!! I’m thinking of Plan B - to stay somewhere else... or not even LEAVING at this point... I had a hard enough time even considering this Plan A (driving to MA) and I can’t fit anything else into my head!
I realize that Grandma hasn’t ever lost a child, and for that I’m grateful to God, but... honestly Jeff, it just feels like she believes I should be acting a certain way, or not crying so hysterically or whatever....
For the LOVE OF GOD, I was spilling out my heart to her yesterday on the phone - I was CRYING so HARD...... and she listened for a very short while, and then.... which completely HURT me and ASTONISHED me and CRUSHED me, she just HANDED me OFF to Auntie Leslie! She didn’t want to hear me CRYING???? She didn’t want to try to COMFORT ME???? Not that I’m not so grateful that Auntie Leslie listened and cried with me...believe me... it means more than anyone knows......
WHY CAN’T MY MOMMY EVEN TRY?!?! OR WANT TO TRY?? I was telling her that I was completely SUICIDAL a few weeks ago, that’s why I’m trying to figure something else out... and she HANDS ME OFF to Auntie Les...... it’s beyond my understanding or comprehension... it really is...
I mean, you know that I love my mom... we’ve had quite a few conversations, you and I, about family, etc... and you know where I stand....... but..... I don’t understand the lack of compassion, the lack of support (I MEAN, JEFF!!, I was talking to Grandma on the day that you died... I was standing a few feet from your lifeless body, and Grandma was saying how TIRED she was from traveling and how she was going to stay in Seattle that night and should she rent a car or can I have someone pick her up.... I’m LIKE MOM, I HAVE NO IDEA about anything, my Jeffrey is DEAD!!! And I think I then handed the phone to Brenda because....come on?!... ugh)
I’m not trying to bash Grandma... but it goes beyond being HURT and it goes so beyond Pain...... I just wonder why she doesn’t like me at all... and why she can’t understand that I’ve lost my only child, I will never, ever see you again, never hold you or joke with you... how can she not understand that and HELP ME?! I was ASKING FOR HELP ON THE PHONE YESTERDAY, and SHE PASSED ME OFF!!! Wow.....unreal......
So that’s where I’m going to end up at the end of this trip?? A place where basically I’m an intrusion and an interference..?? oh God, I’m praying for guidance on this one.... I’m so lost and confused!
Ok, I love you Jeffie... thanks for listening....... I love you and if you could fit me into your busy Angel schedule, could you just come down and guide me in a direction, that would be great... xoxoxoxoxo
Love you so much babe, xo MomMoms