(no subject)
Hey Kiddo,
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written to you... but.... hey, what can I say.. I just haven’t felt like writing much... I’ve become to despise the beginning of each MONTH!...
It’s just so heartbreaking that as each month goes by, another monthly anniversary goes by, that you’re still gone...not here with me... not hugging me, not NOTHING.....
I try to stay busy with the website or cleaning (!) or whatever and I’m going to try to volunteer at the nursing home, because apparently everyone thinks is such a brilliant idea and that I should JUST DO IT because it will get me out of the house and it will help me feel a little bit better and a little distracted and feel needed... but... it’s crap... it SOUNDS like a great idea, especially if you’re not the mommy who lost her only child, but it’s just crap!
As I’ve said before, it’s just going through the motions of living, you know?
I Know I should be a productive member of society, I Know I probably shouldn’t spend so much time alone and in the house... believe me, I know because I feel SO GUILTY about not being a productive member of society and I feel like I should NOT spend so much time alone and in the house.... but, guess what?!
It really just doesn’t matter where I am, or what I’m doing, my mind ALWAYS drifts to the fact that you’re DEAD and that my only child, my special little boy who I loved with every fiber of my being and who I loved being around and who I loved joking with and laughing with and sometimes even crying with... My Baby...is just gone forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.....
Why don’t people understand that this physically hurts ALL THE TIME... Sh*t, you haven’t even been dead a whole 5 months and I’m supposed to be HEALING?? No freakin’ way -
How do you HEAL after finding your child, that child who you taught how to walk and talk and read and watch grow up to be a special teenager, hanging dead in his closet?! Seeing you lying on the gurney in the Emergency Room and holding you and saying Goodbye and Why God, Why??... Or seeing you lying in your casket looking like you were sleeping and then the next day, holding what remained of you in a box...
People will just have to understand, and if they don’t, then FU*K them, that I will NEVER Heal, I will NEVER be OVER IT, I will never be DISTRACTED enough to forget for one minute that you’re dead... forever.....
How do people expect me to act?? Should I always walk around SAD or always crying or walking with my head down..? Oh yeah, that would get me far... so sometimes I smile and I might even laugh, but in the middle of each thought, is you shining through... because that’s all I have left of you... some stuff and memories... that’s it... and that’s all I’ll ever have.. tomorrow and next week and next month and next year and so on and so on....
So, yeah, I can FEEL me Healing... I can see myself HEALING in the future - NO FUC*in’ WAY!... How is that even possible???
Oh yeah, that’s right, I forgot......Time Heals.....and keeping busy helps.... and being distracted helps...... because being distracted and having time pass by will DEFINITELY make my life easier to live...oh yeah, That’s right.... even with the distractions, and the time... You’ll still be DEAD!
See you later baby......
I really really hate this.......
XO Mom XO