Happy Easter Jeff.
Tomorrow is Easter... my first without you. I know I’ve said this before in this journal, but... really, how the hell am I supposed to survive after you died? How do I get through yet another “first”....the first Easter w/out you? All I can think of is how I’ll never get to do an Easter Egg Hunt for you again. I remember just about each and every Easter Egg hunt that I did for you... you running around the house searching for the next egg and the next clue... and then finally finding your Easter basket... and then you managing to consume just about ½ of the candy in about a half hour!... and then, of course, you bouncing off the walls for hours and driving me NUTS!
It used to take me some time getting the eggs ready, making sure I put the right clue to the next egg in the right egg... and quietly putting the first Easter egg on the floor right by your door so it was the first thing you’d see....
I bought you one plastic egg this year, filled with Reeces Peanut Butter cups... I think I’ll put a little message in it and put it near your ashes... I’m actually not sure why I’m doing this, but then again, not much makes sense about me....
Oh Jeff.... I sit here and just weep and weep while I’m typing this thinking about life, the rest of my life, without you in it and it completely breaks me down..... it’s supposed to be “possible” to live through the death of a child, or so I’m told, but I just don’t see how?
I see all the Easter stuff in the stores and see people getting white eggs to dye and all the Easter baskets... and I just have to look away cuz each and every thing is like an assault, you know?
I was just talking to Hilary and she was shopping for white eggs and sweet bread for Easter morning......and it just completely breaks my heart into tiny little pieces when I think that although tomorrow is Easter... it’s really just another day I have to live through...Stephen and I have no plans... I’m thinking of taking a few extra tranquilizers and just sleeping through the day... it’s better to sleep through it than to feel the unbelievable pain in my heart, that just seems to be getting more painful every day.
I remember thinking of couples that didn’t have any children and how much they missed out on because Easter is such a great holiday... For the religious part of it and the family part of it... not really any stress like xmas... just chillin’ with the family and maybe getting dressed up......i used to feel bad for those people.... Now... I’m one of those people...no children to shower my love on... no child to hug me or goof with me... no child AT ALL.....
Wow, it’s beyond my comprehension how I can even think I can live through this...... and my mom, your grandma, actually told me in a phone call the other day to “BUCK UP”... I don’t think she meant it to be mean or anything, but does she think I should be OVER THIS???? I don’t know how that’s even possible....
Ok, I’m done for now..... Happy Easter Jeff.... I hope someone up there manages to make you an Easter egg hunt.... and that you get all the candy that you love.... I love you baby.... I miss you so much it hurts...
Love, xoxoxoxox Mom
