Nicknames
We've had a relatively high turnover rate at work lately. Old friends were leaving, and new people (young punk kids with nothing but piss and vinegar in their hat- and not much to show for it... damn kids, why don't you go drink your seltzer water and leave me alone!) showing up to clock in every two weeks (or so it seemed, at least for awhile). This is how I found myself in the back room, sitting at my desk, talking to my co-workers reading over the names of the three new people who were scheduled to start working over the coarse of the coming weeks.
ME: Look at all these new people who are starting!
COWORKER 1: Three new people in two weeks.
COWORKER 2: The revolving door just keeps on turning.
ME: What do you think they're like?
COWORKER 1: I don't know anything about them. I never saw them come in for the interviews.
ME: Their names are Brenda, Jennifer, and James.
COWORKER 2: James?
ME: James.
COWORKER 2: James? Oh, he goes by "Shep."
ME: It says James.
COWOKER 1: Oh I know Shep! He's nice.
ME: His name is James. That's what it says on the schedule.
COWORKER 1: Yeah, but he goes by Shep. You should call him Shep.
ME: I don't know him though. It's a little weird if I just call him Shep right off the bat. I'm just going to call him James until he tells me otherwise.
COWORKER 2: His Name is Shep! You call him Shep right now!
Me: Shep! What is that? Is that some kind of nickname? I'm not going to call him Shep. His name is James!
COWORKER 1: His last name is Shepard, he goes by Shep, you call him Shep or you'll be sorry.
ME: I don't feel comfortable calling him by his nickname when I haven..t even met the guy. I'll call him James until...
COWORKER 2: Your mom..s name is James! You call him Shep or I'll cut you with my knife!
COWORKER 1: She'll cut you! And then I'll kick you in the face. Call him James, call him James one more time, then you..ll be sorry.
Me: I think you guys might be over reacting a bit. It's just a nickname. I don't even know the guy. I'm not going to call him Shep because I don't even know the guy, it's just not right. Maybe there's something about it in Emily Post, I don't know. Until he says otherwise I'm going to call him James.
COWORKER 2: Where's my fucking knife. I'm going to stab you! You hear me! I'm going to stab you! I told you not to call him James! And what did you do? What did you do? You went and called him James. Now I'm going to stab you!
COWORKER 1: I'll hold him down. You cut him. You cut his eyes out. He doesn't even deserve to look at Shep. Cut his damn tongue out for being so smart. Oh look at Jeff, thinks he so smart. Calling Shep, "James", let's see how smart you are without your eyes and your tongue! Smart-ass!
ME: What the fuck is wrong with you!?!? It's just a damn nickname! What the hell do you care what I call him anyway. What the fuck? Are you guys like his harbinger or something? Do you work for him? I don't know him! I've never heard of him. It says here his name is James, I'm going to call him James.
COWORKER 1: Why does he keep saying the name? Make him stop! Make him stop! Please!
COWORKER 2: Cut out your fucking spleen. That's what I'm going to take first. Your spleen, and I'll frame it in my kitchen.
COWORKER 1: Shep is the greatest person ever! He once saved thirty kittens form a burning building, adopted them all, and taught them all to do math. Now all those kittens work for NASA. What have you done with your life?
ME: Cats working for NASA? Is that why they have a hard time getting a shuttle into space nowadays?
COWORKER 2 takes a hammer and hits my in my left kneecap.
ME: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??!?!?
COWORKER 2: Don't make fun of the NASA cats! You take that back! You take that back and you don't ever, EVER fucking say the name James again! You hear me? Say his name. His name is Shep. You say the name Shep, or so help me God..
ME: His name is James!
COWORKER 2 once again hits my left kneecap with a hammer.
ME: OH MY GOD!! AAAAH. OH SHIT! OH MY GOD!!
COWORKER 2: Shep! You fucking say Shep right now! I will hit you again! You fucking say Shep!
ME: SHEP! SHEP!
COWORKER 1: What's his name?
ME: SHEP!
COWORKER 1: Are you sure it isn't James?
ME: It's Shep!
COWORKER 2: God damn right it's Shep.
ME: I think you shattered my kneecap!
COWORKER 2: Well, whose fault is that? Who kept saying James?
ME: I did. It's my fault.
I learned two valuable lessons that day. First, don't mess with my co-workers... especially when they have a strange obsession with tattooed guys from small college towns who have nicknames. Two, I needed a nickname. The nickname is the most powerful tool anyone can have at his or her disposal. Kim Jong Il is a 5'5 dork, but he calls himself "Peerless Leader" (Or something like that) and he's able to most of North Korea impoverished while he thumbs his nose at the world. I contend that most of America was feeling trepidatious at best, with the state of affairs in the world, but still choose to elect George W. Bush simply because all those "W" stickers looked so cool.. plus people like saying "Dubbaya."
I obviously needed a nickname. Something changed in me that day. I can..t just be Jeff any more. Jeff is a guy who can't seem to make ends meet. Jeff is a guy who sometimes falls asleep on the couch at two in the morning, lights still on, television still on. Jeff is a fine line away from being a crazy cat lady. It was time to emerge from that beating as something different. It was time to let the fires of life and torments forge me into something greater than myself. If James can go by "Shep", then dammit, I shall now be known as "Dez"
"The Dez" to be exact.
The Dez wears leather jackets, and is in a biker gang. He reads Soren Kierkegaard, and Spiderman comics. He has never cried, but he is not without empathy. He still visits his grandmother every other week. He's been in 17 knife fights, and won them all. He'll punch you if you look at him with cross eyes.
He is the Dez. The Dez is I.
ME: Look at all these new people who are starting!
COWORKER 1: Three new people in two weeks.
COWORKER 2: The revolving door just keeps on turning.
ME: What do you think they're like?
COWORKER 1: I don't know anything about them. I never saw them come in for the interviews.
ME: Their names are Brenda, Jennifer, and James.
COWORKER 2: James?
ME: James.
COWORKER 2: James? Oh, he goes by "Shep."
ME: It says James.
COWOKER 1: Oh I know Shep! He's nice.
ME: His name is James. That's what it says on the schedule.
COWORKER 1: Yeah, but he goes by Shep. You should call him Shep.
ME: I don't know him though. It's a little weird if I just call him Shep right off the bat. I'm just going to call him James until he tells me otherwise.
COWORKER 2: His Name is Shep! You call him Shep right now!
Me: Shep! What is that? Is that some kind of nickname? I'm not going to call him Shep. His name is James!
COWORKER 1: His last name is Shepard, he goes by Shep, you call him Shep or you'll be sorry.
ME: I don't feel comfortable calling him by his nickname when I haven..t even met the guy. I'll call him James until...
COWORKER 2: Your mom..s name is James! You call him Shep or I'll cut you with my knife!
COWORKER 1: She'll cut you! And then I'll kick you in the face. Call him James, call him James one more time, then you..ll be sorry.
Me: I think you guys might be over reacting a bit. It's just a nickname. I don't even know the guy. I'm not going to call him Shep because I don't even know the guy, it's just not right. Maybe there's something about it in Emily Post, I don't know. Until he says otherwise I'm going to call him James.
COWORKER 2: Where's my fucking knife. I'm going to stab you! You hear me! I'm going to stab you! I told you not to call him James! And what did you do? What did you do? You went and called him James. Now I'm going to stab you!
COWORKER 1: I'll hold him down. You cut him. You cut his eyes out. He doesn't even deserve to look at Shep. Cut his damn tongue out for being so smart. Oh look at Jeff, thinks he so smart. Calling Shep, "James", let's see how smart you are without your eyes and your tongue! Smart-ass!
ME: What the fuck is wrong with you!?!? It's just a damn nickname! What the hell do you care what I call him anyway. What the fuck? Are you guys like his harbinger or something? Do you work for him? I don't know him! I've never heard of him. It says here his name is James, I'm going to call him James.
COWORKER 1: Why does he keep saying the name? Make him stop! Make him stop! Please!
COWORKER 2: Cut out your fucking spleen. That's what I'm going to take first. Your spleen, and I'll frame it in my kitchen.
COWORKER 1: Shep is the greatest person ever! He once saved thirty kittens form a burning building, adopted them all, and taught them all to do math. Now all those kittens work for NASA. What have you done with your life?
ME: Cats working for NASA? Is that why they have a hard time getting a shuttle into space nowadays?
COWORKER 2 takes a hammer and hits my in my left kneecap.
ME: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??!?!?
COWORKER 2: Don't make fun of the NASA cats! You take that back! You take that back and you don't ever, EVER fucking say the name James again! You hear me? Say his name. His name is Shep. You say the name Shep, or so help me God..
ME: His name is James!
COWORKER 2 once again hits my left kneecap with a hammer.
ME: OH MY GOD!! AAAAH. OH SHIT! OH MY GOD!!
COWORKER 2: Shep! You fucking say Shep right now! I will hit you again! You fucking say Shep!
ME: SHEP! SHEP!
COWORKER 1: What's his name?
ME: SHEP!
COWORKER 1: Are you sure it isn't James?
ME: It's Shep!
COWORKER 2: God damn right it's Shep.
ME: I think you shattered my kneecap!
COWORKER 2: Well, whose fault is that? Who kept saying James?
ME: I did. It's my fault.
I learned two valuable lessons that day. First, don't mess with my co-workers... especially when they have a strange obsession with tattooed guys from small college towns who have nicknames. Two, I needed a nickname. The nickname is the most powerful tool anyone can have at his or her disposal. Kim Jong Il is a 5'5 dork, but he calls himself "Peerless Leader" (Or something like that) and he's able to most of North Korea impoverished while he thumbs his nose at the world. I contend that most of America was feeling trepidatious at best, with the state of affairs in the world, but still choose to elect George W. Bush simply because all those "W" stickers looked so cool.. plus people like saying "Dubbaya."
I obviously needed a nickname. Something changed in me that day. I can..t just be Jeff any more. Jeff is a guy who can't seem to make ends meet. Jeff is a guy who sometimes falls asleep on the couch at two in the morning, lights still on, television still on. Jeff is a fine line away from being a crazy cat lady. It was time to emerge from that beating as something different. It was time to let the fires of life and torments forge me into something greater than myself. If James can go by "Shep", then dammit, I shall now be known as "Dez"
"The Dez" to be exact.
The Dez wears leather jackets, and is in a biker gang. He reads Soren Kierkegaard, and Spiderman comics. He has never cried, but he is not without empathy. He still visits his grandmother every other week. He's been in 17 knife fights, and won them all. He'll punch you if you look at him with cross eyes.
He is the Dez. The Dez is I.